Saturday, May 28, 2016
Life: “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”...
Life: “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”...: "A day without sunshine is like, you know, night"... So how is it that a chronically ill person seems to be miserable the most a...
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night"...
So how is it that a chronically ill person seems to be miserable the most at night? Is it because we lay and notice the pain more, or that we talk to God and it just seems like he ever seems to answer our prayers (but of course all in God's time not ours) I don't know about you, my med's seem to let me sleep for about 4-5 hours and then my bladder and Maggie's bladder wakes us both up. Then I lay back down and I am in pain, but I hate to take my pain med's because I really need these when I am up and at work.
So the day gives us sunshine, we strive to look at the sunshine and look up and let the rays beam down on our face and just wish. Wish for what? We all have so many different wishes. But a chronically ill person looks for different wishes? I am always drinking my coffee and I sit on my patio on my days off from work and look to the skies and just stare at the sky and I feel befuddled. I don't know why, but I do. I think befuddled is a good way to describe my feelings.
My husband said that "I think way too much". Well if I don't who will. I need to think about so many different things because if I don't my mind would go nuts. I think about the things I can no longer do or the things I had wished for. So I had to rewrite my bucket list to easier things.
A day without sunshine is a day that a chronically ill person lives with.When all they can do is look out their hospital window and watch the world continue to pass by even tho they can no longer be a part of the big world God has created for us. (Or if you think the Big Ban Theory brought us all about). No matter what the shades will eventually be lowered and after family and friends that come to visit and cry and try to make you smile with gifts and loves and kisses. "no one can take your pain away"...So Why me?
Sometimes we lay in the dark of our beds whether at home or at a hospital or nursing home and realize that most likely sometime we may fly high about it all. And instead of the nights being hard on us chronically ill, the nights will be hard for our family & friends. Our once beds will be made and our items will become a shrine for our loved ones.
And then their sunshine will turn to nights and they will cry themselves to sleep as we touch their cheeks as their guardian Angels. And it gives them comfort. Comfort to know we are still alive within them.
It all takes time for our loved ones to learn to sleep at night again and it takes time for our loved one to move on. Will they ever forget? Nope, we will become a memory in their minds and they will struggle to live on and each year they will visit our grave side , even though that is just our shells. Our souls have descended into heaven to be in Gods army.
Not all chronically ill people suffer from cancer, lupus, loss of eyesight; limbs, etc. There so many of us who look good on the outside (we can do our hair, put on makeup and dress good) but we never show the pain our insides our screaming out that we are in such pain that we just don't even want to get up. I know each day I place my feet on the floor, I thank God (sometimes I wish God would have taken me) but I have a purpose and I place my hands on my heart and feel the heart beat and realize that we do have a purpose. Some people never know what their purpose is. Maybe we all need to look for our purpose in our lives no matter if we are sick.
It is so sad to me that families choose to hate and not love because all we have to share in our lives is our childhoods. I am always telling my 3 kids, "no one else will ever share the things that they did together as they grew up"? And since they have grown up they have came to that realization.
But some people are so bull headed, but "The sunshine turns into night" and you could be taken some night to join God's army.
"Do you have so many things left unsaid?
We all have a past and that is it; our past is just that a past. It does define us but "if the sunshine never comes out then can we look forward to the stars that come out at night?" because each star is our loved ones looking down on us. Some believe some don't. That is fine, we all have our own free will.
"So a day without sunshine is like, you know night"
So what kind of sunshine do you want so your nights are easier?
A chronically ill person; just like me, show doesn't look so sick on the outside (well except my feeding tube, my power port and the fact that I vomit a lot), I look ok on the outside. But my insides are all jacked up. I have gone from hell and back dealing with this horrific illness that no one seems to want to recognize or they look "befuddled" when you explain it to them.
For now I am able to get up each day, go to work and I just try. I come home exhausted but I keep trying because I know someday I won't be able to. Each time I do to the hospital and get my tube changed out, I swear it takes a month off of my life. Laying open in the OR given cocktails so they can change out your tube so you having some way to eat, is so extremely hard, but we do it each and every day for our family.
There will come a day that we all will have to make choices about our health and whatever our own choices are it is something that our friends and family need to understand because until you walk in our foot steps you will never ever know our daily struggles.
We all look for "A day with Sunshine, so our nights are full of stars" and not just sleepless nights in pain.
Keep Smiling
Carla
So how is it that a chronically ill person seems to be miserable the most at night? Is it because we lay and notice the pain more, or that we talk to God and it just seems like he ever seems to answer our prayers (but of course all in God's time not ours) I don't know about you, my med's seem to let me sleep for about 4-5 hours and then my bladder and Maggie's bladder wakes us both up. Then I lay back down and I am in pain, but I hate to take my pain med's because I really need these when I am up and at work.
So the day gives us sunshine, we strive to look at the sunshine and look up and let the rays beam down on our face and just wish. Wish for what? We all have so many different wishes. But a chronically ill person looks for different wishes? I am always drinking my coffee and I sit on my patio on my days off from work and look to the skies and just stare at the sky and I feel befuddled. I don't know why, but I do. I think befuddled is a good way to describe my feelings.
My husband said that "I think way too much". Well if I don't who will. I need to think about so many different things because if I don't my mind would go nuts. I think about the things I can no longer do or the things I had wished for. So I had to rewrite my bucket list to easier things.
A day without sunshine is a day that a chronically ill person lives with.When all they can do is look out their hospital window and watch the world continue to pass by even tho they can no longer be a part of the big world God has created for us. (Or if you think the Big Ban Theory brought us all about). No matter what the shades will eventually be lowered and after family and friends that come to visit and cry and try to make you smile with gifts and loves and kisses. "no one can take your pain away"...So Why me?
Sometimes we lay in the dark of our beds whether at home or at a hospital or nursing home and realize that most likely sometime we may fly high about it all. And instead of the nights being hard on us chronically ill, the nights will be hard for our family & friends. Our once beds will be made and our items will become a shrine for our loved ones.
And then their sunshine will turn to nights and they will cry themselves to sleep as we touch their cheeks as their guardian Angels. And it gives them comfort. Comfort to know we are still alive within them.
It all takes time for our loved ones to learn to sleep at night again and it takes time for our loved one to move on. Will they ever forget? Nope, we will become a memory in their minds and they will struggle to live on and each year they will visit our grave side , even though that is just our shells. Our souls have descended into heaven to be in Gods army.
Not all chronically ill people suffer from cancer, lupus, loss of eyesight; limbs, etc. There so many of us who look good on the outside (we can do our hair, put on makeup and dress good) but we never show the pain our insides our screaming out that we are in such pain that we just don't even want to get up. I know each day I place my feet on the floor, I thank God (sometimes I wish God would have taken me) but I have a purpose and I place my hands on my heart and feel the heart beat and realize that we do have a purpose. Some people never know what their purpose is. Maybe we all need to look for our purpose in our lives no matter if we are sick.
It is so sad to me that families choose to hate and not love because all we have to share in our lives is our childhoods. I am always telling my 3 kids, "no one else will ever share the things that they did together as they grew up"? And since they have grown up they have came to that realization.
But some people are so bull headed, but "The sunshine turns into night" and you could be taken some night to join God's army.
"Do you have so many things left unsaid?
We all have a past and that is it; our past is just that a past. It does define us but "if the sunshine never comes out then can we look forward to the stars that come out at night?" because each star is our loved ones looking down on us. Some believe some don't. That is fine, we all have our own free will.
"So a day without sunshine is like, you know night"
So what kind of sunshine do you want so your nights are easier?
A chronically ill person; just like me, show doesn't look so sick on the outside (well except my feeding tube, my power port and the fact that I vomit a lot), I look ok on the outside. But my insides are all jacked up. I have gone from hell and back dealing with this horrific illness that no one seems to want to recognize or they look "befuddled" when you explain it to them.
For now I am able to get up each day, go to work and I just try. I come home exhausted but I keep trying because I know someday I won't be able to. Each time I do to the hospital and get my tube changed out, I swear it takes a month off of my life. Laying open in the OR given cocktails so they can change out your tube so you having some way to eat, is so extremely hard, but we do it each and every day for our family.
There will come a day that we all will have to make choices about our health and whatever our own choices are it is something that our friends and family need to understand because until you walk in our foot steps you will never ever know our daily struggles.
We all look for "A day with Sunshine, so our nights are full of stars" and not just sleepless nights in pain.
Keep Smiling
Carla
Friday, April 22, 2016
Life: Nobody said it is easy...
Life: Nobody said it is easy...: "Nobody ever said it was going to be so easy" Ok, so what does everybody mean when it is stated that nothing was ever going to b...
Nobody said it is easy...
"Nobody ever said it was going to be so easy"
Ok, so what does everybody mean when it is stated that nothing was ever going to be easy?
Does that mean life?
I hate to think that life is always hard. I don't think anyone would want life to be so hard all the time. I do believe that most of us would like to at least be able to enjoy the things that we want. No matter what we consider is our favorite things, we at least wish to be able to do some of our wishes.
I know when you are young and healthy you look at life so differently. But once you get to be older and more wiser you look at like differently also.
But what is you become chronically ill? So what kind of life are you going to be living? No one ever wishes to be a burden, or to be handicapped, mentally ill, physically ill or what ever the chronic illness we are dealt in life. But just as stated about nothing in life is every easy. No matter what anyone's circumstances are life is never easy in different stages of our own individual lives.
But one thing is for sure, we never want to become chronically ill. That is when our mind set becomes different. A chronically ill person spends a lot of their time wishing they were healthy again. But instead we spend most of our times in the ER, in the hospitals, going to doctors, having surgeries, seeing counselors, finding ourselves fighting to survive whatever hand we are dealt. Nobody ever said it was going to be easy.
Our lives are turned up side down. We either have to learn to accept our lives being torn by a serious chronic illness, or we fight it off, or we just keep telling ourselves that we are going to get better if we just do this, or that or ask for a better healthier life. Then the reality starts to set in. We suddenly look in the mirror and what we see back is a chronically ill person. Sometimes we don't even recognize who it is that is looking back yourself. You begin to question "who am I"? "what did I go to deserve this"? Maybe if I had done things differently when I was young and then I wouldn't be sick. However we know that no matter what we did in our younger years of life it doesn't always impact us as to how our lives will be when we get older and we are diagnosed with a illness that makes your heart beat faster, you break out in a sweat and you just simply become numb.
When I was told that I had become chronically ill with a terminal outlook, I was in such shock that I had became numb. My life had came to an end in my own mind. And yes I looked in the mirror and saw a differently face looking back at me. I just couldn't understand yep that question once again "why me"?
So I have started to look for a purpose in my life. Even tho my life now consists of medicines, doctor and after doctor, hospital stays after another hospital stay, nausea and vomiting, and more vomiting and not being able to eat. Living with a feeding tube day in and day out. Feeding myself thru this feeding tube for what ever the rest of my life going to be. Surgery after surgery to replace my tube and put in a port because I had been stuck a kazillion times all of my life. I start to hate myself. And life had become a hard pill to swallow and had left a bitter taste in your mouth.
So now I have had to change my way of life. My families way of life and just wondering when the day will come that my family will be sitting with me as I take my last breath and knowing to myself that I caused all of their pain, and there is nothing I can do to make this pain in their lives go away.
Yes "nobody ever said it was going to be easy", we just never stop to think what in our lives was ever going to be easy. I look at myself in the mirror and now a different set of eyes look back at me and those eyes have pain, sorrow, hurt, denial, anger and yet will. The will to keep living for our spouses, significant others, our children our families and we keep fighting. Not always our will but their will. Yep we fight and someday's we fight to just tell our families each day that we hit our feet on the floor every morning that we love them. Because yep, one day we won't be able to.
"Nobody ever said it was going to be easy"
Keep Smiling
Carla
Ok, so what does everybody mean when it is stated that nothing was ever going to be easy?
Does that mean life?
I hate to think that life is always hard. I don't think anyone would want life to be so hard all the time. I do believe that most of us would like to at least be able to enjoy the things that we want. No matter what we consider is our favorite things, we at least wish to be able to do some of our wishes.
I know when you are young and healthy you look at life so differently. But once you get to be older and more wiser you look at like differently also.
But what is you become chronically ill? So what kind of life are you going to be living? No one ever wishes to be a burden, or to be handicapped, mentally ill, physically ill or what ever the chronic illness we are dealt in life. But just as stated about nothing in life is every easy. No matter what anyone's circumstances are life is never easy in different stages of our own individual lives.
But one thing is for sure, we never want to become chronically ill. That is when our mind set becomes different. A chronically ill person spends a lot of their time wishing they were healthy again. But instead we spend most of our times in the ER, in the hospitals, going to doctors, having surgeries, seeing counselors, finding ourselves fighting to survive whatever hand we are dealt. Nobody ever said it was going to be easy.
Our lives are turned up side down. We either have to learn to accept our lives being torn by a serious chronic illness, or we fight it off, or we just keep telling ourselves that we are going to get better if we just do this, or that or ask for a better healthier life. Then the reality starts to set in. We suddenly look in the mirror and what we see back is a chronically ill person. Sometimes we don't even recognize who it is that is looking back yourself. You begin to question "who am I"? "what did I go to deserve this"? Maybe if I had done things differently when I was young and then I wouldn't be sick. However we know that no matter what we did in our younger years of life it doesn't always impact us as to how our lives will be when we get older and we are diagnosed with a illness that makes your heart beat faster, you break out in a sweat and you just simply become numb.
When I was told that I had become chronically ill with a terminal outlook, I was in such shock that I had became numb. My life had came to an end in my own mind. And yes I looked in the mirror and saw a differently face looking back at me. I just couldn't understand yep that question once again "why me"?
So I have started to look for a purpose in my life. Even tho my life now consists of medicines, doctor and after doctor, hospital stays after another hospital stay, nausea and vomiting, and more vomiting and not being able to eat. Living with a feeding tube day in and day out. Feeding myself thru this feeding tube for what ever the rest of my life going to be. Surgery after surgery to replace my tube and put in a port because I had been stuck a kazillion times all of my life. I start to hate myself. And life had become a hard pill to swallow and had left a bitter taste in your mouth.
So now I have had to change my way of life. My families way of life and just wondering when the day will come that my family will be sitting with me as I take my last breath and knowing to myself that I caused all of their pain, and there is nothing I can do to make this pain in their lives go away.
Yes "nobody ever said it was going to be easy", we just never stop to think what in our lives was ever going to be easy. I look at myself in the mirror and now a different set of eyes look back at me and those eyes have pain, sorrow, hurt, denial, anger and yet will. The will to keep living for our spouses, significant others, our children our families and we keep fighting. Not always our will but their will. Yep we fight and someday's we fight to just tell our families each day that we hit our feet on the floor every morning that we love them. Because yep, one day we won't be able to.
"Nobody ever said it was going to be easy"
Keep Smiling
Carla
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
Life: Fine...
Life: Fine...: Something I learned awhile back: "Fine" stands for: "F" is for frustrated "I" is for insecure "N&quo...
Fine...
Something I learned awhile back:
"Fine" stands for:
"F" is for frustrated
"I" is for insecure
"N" is for neurotic
"E" is for exhausted
So I have learned that I don't answer people with the word "Fine" anymore when they ask me how I am. For the most part people don't really care how you feel so the polite customary way is to tell people you are fine.
After much thought I had heard someone say that when you are a person who lives with multiple health issues and if your feet hit the floor each morning and you thanked God for another day, is to say to people when they great you, that my response now is "I'm giving it a good ole try" and that is exactly what I am doing. Giving each day a good ole try.
Now for me to stay strong and positive is another question. I am just like any other people on this earth, that we all let stress take over our lives. But stress is not healthy for anyone. So what are we supposed to do? We can't always eliminate stress, but we can choose how to handle it. (Okay, I know I am being positive or optimistic) It truly is our choice as to how we handle stress and even our own lives.
I have a strong faith in God, and he gives me direction and hope. So what is the higher power that you truly believe in? Does it give you hope? So being a true Christian it's not always about attending church on Sunday's, it's about being a committed person of faith. I am not saying that I am always committed to my faith and yep, I am human so I do sin (probably most of the time), but I do repent and ask for forgiveness. But I am certainly not "Fine"... I am broken in so many ways.
I always question "why" do I have Gastroparesis, and Bipolar, and a severe digestive system disorder, an autoimmune disease, COPD, Fibromyalgia and so one? I guess because God thinks I am a bad ass and that I can handle it all. And for the most part I do, and yes there are days I don't. So does that make me just "fine"?
Nope, I am not just fine, but I do feel that my purpose since I have been diagnosed with a chronic debilitation terminal illness, is to be a good person, a good friend, a good neighbor, a good listener, a good motivator, and just simply be what I should be and that is giving each day a "good ole try".
So I have learned to smell the flowers, fresh cut grass, look at the sunrises, look at the sunsets, appreciate all that I have and just ride that roller coaster with my health and bipolar. Trust me that roller coaster has been busy here lately. As I am sure many people are the same way. So sit down, buckle up, and just give it a try.
Now I wish I could conjure up a cure for Gastroparesis, Bipolar or any other disorder/disease people have so that we could all live a harmonious life. But I am not God. So why does he allow people (like me and you) suffer physical, mental and emotional pain? I sure wish I knew why. So I have been taking a different look at it. God wants us to be compelled to understand that our physical being is fragile and yep, we do come to an expiration date. It's how we handle our lives as to when that expiration date comes. (mine will be sooner than later - and so many good people have expired sooner than what I have wanted them to)...So I do understand how we all can be numb, upset, angry and eventually accept what we are dealt. I think the cards for me are all stacked the wrong way.
I guess I am scared as to what will happen to me. I have worked all my life from the age of 14 on. I have been a dedicated, reliable employee. Now with my disabilities I am facing a early medical retirement. I think I will still develop a sense of purpose. I will need that purpose to continue to want to live on and fight. And so I have 3 purposes (my kids) and my husband, my step kids, my step grandson, and all of my many friends.
So I kind of thought, I give 2 ladies a ride to work almost every day, (it's on my way and they walk all the time)... I have made 2 new friends and I find that exciting. So what if after my retirement I start up a Uber service. That could give me a purpose still, make a little bit of cash and meet new people.
Are you really just "Fine"...? I know I am not. I am just giving each day a good ole try. Because my feet seem to keep hitting the floor every day after I wake up and so I guess even thru my pain I have to keep going because people rely on me in so many different ways.
So please keep giving your life a "good ole try" and just remember "Fine" is kind of a mind numbing answer to all of the passing question. So mix things up and startle a stranger, worker, friend or whomever with the words, giving it a good ole try.
Keep Smiling
Carla
"Fine" stands for:
"F" is for frustrated
"I" is for insecure
"N" is for neurotic
"E" is for exhausted
So I have learned that I don't answer people with the word "Fine" anymore when they ask me how I am. For the most part people don't really care how you feel so the polite customary way is to tell people you are fine.
After much thought I had heard someone say that when you are a person who lives with multiple health issues and if your feet hit the floor each morning and you thanked God for another day, is to say to people when they great you, that my response now is "I'm giving it a good ole try" and that is exactly what I am doing. Giving each day a good ole try.
Now for me to stay strong and positive is another question. I am just like any other people on this earth, that we all let stress take over our lives. But stress is not healthy for anyone. So what are we supposed to do? We can't always eliminate stress, but we can choose how to handle it. (Okay, I know I am being positive or optimistic) It truly is our choice as to how we handle stress and even our own lives.
I have a strong faith in God, and he gives me direction and hope. So what is the higher power that you truly believe in? Does it give you hope? So being a true Christian it's not always about attending church on Sunday's, it's about being a committed person of faith. I am not saying that I am always committed to my faith and yep, I am human so I do sin (probably most of the time), but I do repent and ask for forgiveness. But I am certainly not "Fine"... I am broken in so many ways.
I always question "why" do I have Gastroparesis, and Bipolar, and a severe digestive system disorder, an autoimmune disease, COPD, Fibromyalgia and so one? I guess because God thinks I am a bad ass and that I can handle it all. And for the most part I do, and yes there are days I don't. So does that make me just "fine"?
Nope, I am not just fine, but I do feel that my purpose since I have been diagnosed with a chronic debilitation terminal illness, is to be a good person, a good friend, a good neighbor, a good listener, a good motivator, and just simply be what I should be and that is giving each day a "good ole try".
So I have learned to smell the flowers, fresh cut grass, look at the sunrises, look at the sunsets, appreciate all that I have and just ride that roller coaster with my health and bipolar. Trust me that roller coaster has been busy here lately. As I am sure many people are the same way. So sit down, buckle up, and just give it a try.
Now I wish I could conjure up a cure for Gastroparesis, Bipolar or any other disorder/disease people have so that we could all live a harmonious life. But I am not God. So why does he allow people (like me and you) suffer physical, mental and emotional pain? I sure wish I knew why. So I have been taking a different look at it. God wants us to be compelled to understand that our physical being is fragile and yep, we do come to an expiration date. It's how we handle our lives as to when that expiration date comes. (mine will be sooner than later - and so many good people have expired sooner than what I have wanted them to)...So I do understand how we all can be numb, upset, angry and eventually accept what we are dealt. I think the cards for me are all stacked the wrong way.
I guess I am scared as to what will happen to me. I have worked all my life from the age of 14 on. I have been a dedicated, reliable employee. Now with my disabilities I am facing a early medical retirement. I think I will still develop a sense of purpose. I will need that purpose to continue to want to live on and fight. And so I have 3 purposes (my kids) and my husband, my step kids, my step grandson, and all of my many friends.
So I kind of thought, I give 2 ladies a ride to work almost every day, (it's on my way and they walk all the time)... I have made 2 new friends and I find that exciting. So what if after my retirement I start up a Uber service. That could give me a purpose still, make a little bit of cash and meet new people.
Are you really just "Fine"...? I know I am not. I am just giving each day a good ole try. Because my feet seem to keep hitting the floor every day after I wake up and so I guess even thru my pain I have to keep going because people rely on me in so many different ways.
So please keep giving your life a "good ole try" and just remember "Fine" is kind of a mind numbing answer to all of the passing question. So mix things up and startle a stranger, worker, friend or whomever with the words, giving it a good ole try.
Keep Smiling
Carla
No wrong turnings...
“There are no wrong turnings. Only paths we had not known we were meant to walk.”
Have you ever caught yourself going down the wrong turn and yet not know how to turn back?
I know I have done this so many different times. And I guess as this quote states there are no wrong turns. These are paths that we didn't know we were meant to walk down. We may not like the walk and we may be scared of what is at this end of the walk, but do we turn around and go back?
But what if you go back and face your past once again? I know I really don't want to face my past and relive it again, as long as I know how my future is all going to turn out (not so pleasant). But what if we could all turn around, go back and correct all of the regrets we have made in our lives? This is something I have been pondering each and every day, simply because my health has really gotten worse from some choices that I made, yep in my past, but if I could go back and make new choices, would my life today be any different?
Just as the "Doc" in "Back to the future" we can't cross paths with our former selves because it would change the time of our future. But let me tell you I really want to go back and make changes because I do really feel like if I could make some different choices in my past life then I wouldn't be sitting here now today with all of these regrets. I will never ever regret my 3 children, they are the absolute
best thing that God ever gave me, was to blessed to be their Momma. I don't know where I'd be without them. So I really don't want to go back so far as to not have my kiddos. I guess I don't really know where I'd want to go back to?
I know God has control of our former, present and future selves (that is if you believe). And I do know that I would not be where I am today without my ultimate faith in God. He is the reason I am still here today. Simply because I lost all sense of my life and I just wanted all of the mental and physical pain to stop and so God saved me from my suicide attempt. So I wonder to myself is this what God saved me for? To live my life in a miserable state and go forward down a different path and no turning back? So of course my human desire is to NOT live such a miserable existence. And trust me there are so many times I really wish God would just take me to heaven. But I know my kids and family would be so hurt and really miss me.
So I guess this path that I am supposed to walk down is way different than the path I would have chosen for myself. I struggle and fight myself constantly and I truly hate this point in my life as it is.
So why as human's do we hate our current state of life if this is truly what God chose for us? Because just that, we are human and that is what we do, fight the current path that we are supposed to walk down. So I guess their are no wrong turns, just a path we didn't know we were supposed to walk down.
Do you have any regrets? Then if so don't look back and take the wrong turn, try to take a path we didn't know we were supposed to follow. Because maybe, just maybe, this path just may be the right turn.
Keep Smiling
Carla
Have you ever caught yourself going down the wrong turn and yet not know how to turn back?
I know I have done this so many different times. And I guess as this quote states there are no wrong turns. These are paths that we didn't know we were meant to walk down. We may not like the walk and we may be scared of what is at this end of the walk, but do we turn around and go back?
But what if you go back and face your past once again? I know I really don't want to face my past and relive it again, as long as I know how my future is all going to turn out (not so pleasant). But what if we could all turn around, go back and correct all of the regrets we have made in our lives? This is something I have been pondering each and every day, simply because my health has really gotten worse from some choices that I made, yep in my past, but if I could go back and make new choices, would my life today be any different?
Just as the "Doc" in "Back to the future" we can't cross paths with our former selves because it would change the time of our future. But let me tell you I really want to go back and make changes because I do really feel like if I could make some different choices in my past life then I wouldn't be sitting here now today with all of these regrets. I will never ever regret my 3 children, they are the absolute
best thing that God ever gave me, was to blessed to be their Momma. I don't know where I'd be without them. So I really don't want to go back so far as to not have my kiddos. I guess I don't really know where I'd want to go back to?
I know God has control of our former, present and future selves (that is if you believe). And I do know that I would not be where I am today without my ultimate faith in God. He is the reason I am still here today. Simply because I lost all sense of my life and I just wanted all of the mental and physical pain to stop and so God saved me from my suicide attempt. So I wonder to myself is this what God saved me for? To live my life in a miserable state and go forward down a different path and no turning back? So of course my human desire is to NOT live such a miserable existence. And trust me there are so many times I really wish God would just take me to heaven. But I know my kids and family would be so hurt and really miss me.
So I guess this path that I am supposed to walk down is way different than the path I would have chosen for myself. I struggle and fight myself constantly and I truly hate this point in my life as it is.
So why as human's do we hate our current state of life if this is truly what God chose for us? Because just that, we are human and that is what we do, fight the current path that we are supposed to walk down. So I guess their are no wrong turns, just a path we didn't know we were supposed to walk down.
Do you have any regrets? Then if so don't look back and take the wrong turn, try to take a path we didn't know we were supposed to follow. Because maybe, just maybe, this path just may be the right turn.
Keep Smiling
Carla
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