I have always been a very Independent person, have had to since I was a very young age. We all have to protect ourselves in some ways and then we all need to let others help us in some ways also. But I grew up learning at an early age that I had to learn to cover my own ass or it was going to be beat or yelled at or whatever. So no my child hood was not good, to say the least.
Being Defiant is boldly resisting or challenging others, and I do believe last night I showed that kind of defiancy. Was I proud of myself for being that way, NO.... but I think it comes from my lack of trust, my past keeping me in a protective mode.
I have had to become very protective of myself because I learned early on NO ONE else was going to do it... and I know I passed that onto my 3 kids. So we all need to be independent but not necessarily defiant.
I do have to say, I have never ever liked anybody telling me what to do. I've always been the kind of person where I want to do what I want to do...but I am someone who will never ever HURT anyone unless they mess with me, my kids, my family etc. My Daddy did teach me to be "kind" to everyone because some day you may never know when you might need help.
I guess I am to that point of where I need help. But I have a hard time doing that, letting someone else help me. I don't like the health issues I have been dealt, and I guess no one ever does like to have bad health. So therefore it makes me protective of myself. I am sorry if I seem a little defiant at times or to independent at times. But that does not mean that I don't care what others think or feel. We are all allowed our own feelings and thinking, thats what makes us all independent.
But I may be independent but that doesn't mean I don't want to be with someone to help care for me and love me. So I may be disappointing at times, but I do love my family and my husband very much.
I will keep fighting as long as I have the fight left in me and I will stive to stay on this earth with my family and husband until God calls me home. Its just that I know what my body is all about, I have become very in tune to my body and I know it very well and all the signals it sends to me. So let me take care of me.
I HATE having Gastroparesis, Firbromyalgia, COPD, Synethisia, and Trichotillomania along with allergies... I have a love/hate relationship with my J/G feeding tube but I have it for nutritional value to help sustain me. How long it will sustain me? I really don't know. All I want to do here on earth now is enjoy the gifts given to all of us from God. These gifts are little things, big things, miracles and so just open your eyes up and take notice. The senses will guide you along the way.
I am sorry if I am somewhat defiant at times or way to independent at times, but this is me and I am not changing for anyone. I am 48 and I know what I want and when I want it.
I am not scared to die, God is offering his final destination to be a great homecoming and I know my Daddy and grandparents are up there waiting for me. I have had a great life with so many fun times, emotional times, trying times, loving times, fun times and yes some very many wild times. So I know I have lived a good life thus far. I pray that I can continue to love and live a little longer so I can still enjoy many times ahead of me.
So to wrap it up, try not to be to defiant (because you can't change the world, but you can be the change) and being a little independent is ok. Just don't give up on kindness and love. That is what will make the world a better place, Peace, Kindess and Love.
Keep Smiling
Carla
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