2016 Reflection to a new dawn of 2017...
As I sit and reflect on this past year, I have come to learn that life can give you the ups and downs, the ins and outs, the squeezes of lemons to lemonade, to love and to giving up, to learning to crying and so forth. I know all of us can completely relate to these different and many more reflections. Everyone has personal issues and life statuses as to how we look at the outgoing 2016 and the incoming 2017.
Most people make new years resolutions, most of which are never achieved. Oh we all try to make them work out, we go to the gym more, we try to eat better, for me I try to eat less, try to just do whatever it means to make our own lives in this big world a better place.
I am not like everyone else, I don't make any new years resolutions simply because I most likely won't promise to do any of them, and my list would be short. I would just love to wake up some day and be healthier. Wouldn't that be what most of us want? Healthy? For myself and many other chronically ill people we wish for so many resolutions to come true. I look at these things as an unreachable feat. That doesn't mean I give up. Nope, never give up, just keep fighting.
What is your biggest resolution or do you even make one like me?
If you believe in God or the divine power I do think God looks to each of us to take our new years resolution and apply it to our daily lives in small doses. We can't just dive in and give it our all because by a month of so we throw the towel in. So small doses. Kind of like baby steps. Think of one good resolution that has meaning to it and go forth. Don't try to make yourself push for your own dreams and hopes and not spread these wishes to others in need. Why? Because we need to make this a better world to live in. Oh I know, I sound like some kind of Woodstock lover of all the world and wish to make peace in the world. Well wouldn't that be nice, World Peace.
We will be facing a new 2017 in so many ways. Some could be good and of course some could be not so good. I like to sit back and drink a hot tea and reflect on my past and what was good and what has been bad. And of course the bad things seem so large. I know however that God has carried myself thru these rough times or I wouldn't be sitting her reflecting at this moment. My 2015 was hard on me since I lost so many people in my life that meant so much to me and I attempted suicide and then 2016 has brought so many rough patches and each 4th Friday I lay on a cold slab in the OR and have my tube changed out. These are not times that I relish, but I keep doing so for everyone who loves me, not for myself, but for them. If I had one wish, I'd pull it out and just let God sustain me. But...
I know my problems seem little compared to so many others and but they all are big to ourselves. Everyone of us have problems. Some people like to harp about them and can never see the glass half full. Mine hasn't been half full for a while. I just keep holding it up waiting to get it filled up with a margarita.
My 2016 brought me many good things, one of my babies got married, my other 2 babies have great significant others in their lives and this warms my heart. Gives me hope, hope in life that God is being the one who is carrying them thru even my darkest days. So that is why I don't attempt suicide again. I want to see much more. Like the sunsets and sunrises on a beach, sand in my toes and a margarita in my hand, not much for dreams. And then when I gain my Angel Wings I just want to soar over all of the earth and see the good in each and everyone, because there is no one dictator there is just people, people whom have hopes and dreams.
So don't stop dreaming and reaching for your hopes in 2017.
Keep Smiling
Carla
Saturday, December 31, 2016
Thursday, December 15, 2016
Life: Make ourselves miserable or happy...
Life: Make ourselves miserable or happy...: "We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The same amount of work is the same!" The amount of work is tak...
Make ourselves miserable or happy...
"We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The same amount of work is the same!"
The amount of work is takes to be miserable doesn't always come by choice. Sometimes we are miserable no matter what our health throws at us. We can however choose to be happy. Being happy is choosing to making the most out of our lives even though we live a miserable existence. (That is for chronically ill individuals)
Some days it is so hard for people to even get out of bed, I have pushed myself each day to allow my feet to hit the floor and I thank God that he is giving me another day. Of course my day could swing either way. But I do know I live a miserable existence, and I go through out the day living a miserable life. Being constantly nauseated, vomiting and dealing with a feeding tube and all of the doctor, ER and hospitals visits can really play hard on our moods. I know I have been nothing but nice at times, but for most of the time I am a giving, caring, loving lady. (or so I have been told)...
I just wonder though when will I ever smile again. Yes I know it takes the same amount of muscles to smile as it does to frown. I do realize that I am blessed. I am also challenged each day. So do we make ourselves miserable or happy? I know I am still working on being a happy person. I go through the cycles that people with chronic illness do and it seems like I keep falling into the "numb" phase most of the time.
I do ask God very frequently as to what his purpose is for me. I am pretty sure I know what it is.
Being happy, is that really a choice, or does it just come easy to people. People certainly are not happy this time of season, with all the crazy shoppers (they become evil when they want some item that a loved one feels they desperately need), the feeling of not being able to give, the unhappiness, feeling sorry for the people who seem to forget what Christmas is about. Why do you think "Christ" is part of the name.
People sit around a table of great food and wine and enjoy each others family time and they open presents. But what about the less fortunate. People feel like they are doing good by putting money in the red kettles this time of year (and don't get me wrong that is a wonderful thing to do) but what about helping the less fortunate? Really and honestly giving to those who have either nothing or life has been hard for them. Does this make one happy? To help those who are miserable. But homeless or people at the basement of their lives are not always miserable they have became happy with what little they have. Possessions isn't always our purpose, you can't take it with you.
We all can't make the miserable existence individuals happy but we can reach out to those at the times when they need it most, simply because you could find yourself in their shoes. So be humble.
Of course this isn't just about making ourselves miserable or happy. You can be miserable and yet be happy. It just takes someone who is strong enough to choose to be happy during their times of misery. The amount of work is the same. Being happy isn't always work.
Step into the shoes of a chronically ill individual and walk in those shoes for a week. Swapping shoes would be great also. Maybe just maybe some people would understand what kind of life a chronically ill person's life is all about and the chronically ill actually gets a week of little to no misery from their illness.
What does this quote mean to you:
"We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same".
Giving your best, living in awe of life, appreciate the things you do have, appreciate the people in your life, love unconditionally and just live your life as it was given to you by Christ. Is that too much to ask for. I know I'd like to go back and start my life all over again. (of course knowing everything I know now) and I know we all say the same thing. So I guess since we can't do that, I will just await for my homecoming to heaven and strive to be happy even through my miserable existence. Now to get that "numb" feeling to go away and accept what is.
And by the way, I don't put up a tree anymore, simply because that is not what Christmas is all about. Family is what it's all about and the birth of our Savior.
Much Love,
Carla
The amount of work is takes to be miserable doesn't always come by choice. Sometimes we are miserable no matter what our health throws at us. We can however choose to be happy. Being happy is choosing to making the most out of our lives even though we live a miserable existence. (That is for chronically ill individuals)
Some days it is so hard for people to even get out of bed, I have pushed myself each day to allow my feet to hit the floor and I thank God that he is giving me another day. Of course my day could swing either way. But I do know I live a miserable existence, and I go through out the day living a miserable life. Being constantly nauseated, vomiting and dealing with a feeding tube and all of the doctor, ER and hospitals visits can really play hard on our moods. I know I have been nothing but nice at times, but for most of the time I am a giving, caring, loving lady. (or so I have been told)...
I just wonder though when will I ever smile again. Yes I know it takes the same amount of muscles to smile as it does to frown. I do realize that I am blessed. I am also challenged each day. So do we make ourselves miserable or happy? I know I am still working on being a happy person. I go through the cycles that people with chronic illness do and it seems like I keep falling into the "numb" phase most of the time.
I do ask God very frequently as to what his purpose is for me. I am pretty sure I know what it is.
Being happy, is that really a choice, or does it just come easy to people. People certainly are not happy this time of season, with all the crazy shoppers (they become evil when they want some item that a loved one feels they desperately need), the feeling of not being able to give, the unhappiness, feeling sorry for the people who seem to forget what Christmas is about. Why do you think "Christ" is part of the name.
People sit around a table of great food and wine and enjoy each others family time and they open presents. But what about the less fortunate. People feel like they are doing good by putting money in the red kettles this time of year (and don't get me wrong that is a wonderful thing to do) but what about helping the less fortunate? Really and honestly giving to those who have either nothing or life has been hard for them. Does this make one happy? To help those who are miserable. But homeless or people at the basement of their lives are not always miserable they have became happy with what little they have. Possessions isn't always our purpose, you can't take it with you.
We all can't make the miserable existence individuals happy but we can reach out to those at the times when they need it most, simply because you could find yourself in their shoes. So be humble.
Of course this isn't just about making ourselves miserable or happy. You can be miserable and yet be happy. It just takes someone who is strong enough to choose to be happy during their times of misery. The amount of work is the same. Being happy isn't always work.
Step into the shoes of a chronically ill individual and walk in those shoes for a week. Swapping shoes would be great also. Maybe just maybe some people would understand what kind of life a chronically ill person's life is all about and the chronically ill actually gets a week of little to no misery from their illness.
What does this quote mean to you:
"We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same".
Giving your best, living in awe of life, appreciate the things you do have, appreciate the people in your life, love unconditionally and just live your life as it was given to you by Christ. Is that too much to ask for. I know I'd like to go back and start my life all over again. (of course knowing everything I know now) and I know we all say the same thing. So I guess since we can't do that, I will just await for my homecoming to heaven and strive to be happy even through my miserable existence. Now to get that "numb" feeling to go away and accept what is.
And by the way, I don't put up a tree anymore, simply because that is not what Christmas is all about. Family is what it's all about and the birth of our Savior.
Much Love,
Carla
Sunday, November 20, 2016
Life: Three words...
Life: Three words...: "In three words I can sum up everything I have learned about life... I c (ould sum up this statement by using Colleen, Aiden & Ke...
Three words...
"In three words I can sum up everything I have learned about life...
I c (ould sum up this statement by using Colleen, Aiden & Kelsey (my three children). Yes I learned a lot about life from being blessed as their mother. I believe we all can say that.
I can also use another three words in my life "The love given". I feel I love unconditionally. Most people feel that I have made a difference in life by loving unconditionally; however it can be a curse. God compels me to love.
Another three words I have learned in life is to: enjoy every moment. As in most people walk in their shoes never stopping to really look at life. They are on the go constantly and always have their faces and fingers on some kind of electronic device. (trust me I am a electronic junkie). Looking for the ways to live a better life. How about looking up from your electronic life and see all that our earth offers. You would be survived.
Another three words I have learned is: tasting, eating, enjoy. How about tasting and enjoying everything God has blessed you with. Fruit of God.
Another three words I have learned is: my prayer journal. I intentionally write in my memory book so when I am gone sitting on the right hand of Jesus my three children will still be able to ready my memories and remind them of their memories. Do you?
Another three words I have learned is: appreciate our family. Now family can be more than just blood related, we all have friends that we feel are our family and love them no less. We all have some kind of blood family and their is love and sometimes their is no love. It is their loss.
Another three words I have learned is: beauty on inside. I know I love to look into the eyes of others and look deep into their souls and see the beautify inside. You will be surprised what you see.
Another three words I have learned is: we are human. We learn everyday as long as we are open to learn. I learn that I cannot remember things anymore. I have learned that I have to appreciate all that I have since I won't always be here.
Another three words I have learned is: Gastroparesis does suck. However us warriors never give up. We have learned to hold our gastroparesis family together and to give words of encouragement. Have this illness is so very hard for any of us with this horrible disease. There is no cure, only death.
Another three words I have learned is: chronically debilitating illness. This changes one. We look down inside our own souls and always ask "why me". I know we have all asked those two words no matter whether you are sick. Life sometimes just places us all into life of choices that we don't want to make. Stick to your guns and you gut instincts. It has always worked for me.
Another three words I have learned is: don't lie ever. Is a little white lie ok? I think we all question this. But one little white lie turns into one and into another and so on... Eventually you start to believe it as the truth when all you did was start a little white lie.
Another three words I have learned is: People are complicated. I certainly hope that we all are not alike it would be boring.
Another three words I have learned is: Don't wait to. Don't sit back and think "I will do it tomorrow" of course we all procrastinate when it comes to chores. That is different. Do what your dreams are because someday those dreams can be stripped away from your hands. So enjoy what you can do.
Another three words I have learned is: Acceptance is must. I know we all have some reason in our life to accept what has happened to us. Some people accept quickly, others attempt to accept whatever and other people strive to accept, however they just can't bring themselves to do it. Having a silent chronically illness make those of us a reason to strive to accept. I however have not gotten to that point. Just when I think I have learned to accept it all the bottom falls out and I become numb to find out there is a basement. So then I use my family and friends to help pull me back up and push me to accept. Because they are trying their hardest to accept my illness just as I am learned to accept it. Maybe some time.
So what are your three words?
Keep Smiling
Carla
I c (ould sum up this statement by using Colleen, Aiden & Kelsey (my three children). Yes I learned a lot about life from being blessed as their mother. I believe we all can say that.
I can also use another three words in my life "The love given". I feel I love unconditionally. Most people feel that I have made a difference in life by loving unconditionally; however it can be a curse. God compels me to love.
Another three words I have learned in life is to: enjoy every moment. As in most people walk in their shoes never stopping to really look at life. They are on the go constantly and always have their faces and fingers on some kind of electronic device. (trust me I am a electronic junkie). Looking for the ways to live a better life. How about looking up from your electronic life and see all that our earth offers. You would be survived.
Another three words I have learned is: tasting, eating, enjoy. How about tasting and enjoying everything God has blessed you with. Fruit of God.
Another three words I have learned is: my prayer journal. I intentionally write in my memory book so when I am gone sitting on the right hand of Jesus my three children will still be able to ready my memories and remind them of their memories. Do you?
Another three words I have learned is: appreciate our family. Now family can be more than just blood related, we all have friends that we feel are our family and love them no less. We all have some kind of blood family and their is love and sometimes their is no love. It is their loss.
Another three words I have learned is: beauty on inside. I know I love to look into the eyes of others and look deep into their souls and see the beautify inside. You will be surprised what you see.
Another three words I have learned is: we are human. We learn everyday as long as we are open to learn. I learn that I cannot remember things anymore. I have learned that I have to appreciate all that I have since I won't always be here.
Another three words I have learned is: Gastroparesis does suck. However us warriors never give up. We have learned to hold our gastroparesis family together and to give words of encouragement. Have this illness is so very hard for any of us with this horrible disease. There is no cure, only death.
Another three words I have learned is: chronically debilitating illness. This changes one. We look down inside our own souls and always ask "why me". I know we have all asked those two words no matter whether you are sick. Life sometimes just places us all into life of choices that we don't want to make. Stick to your guns and you gut instincts. It has always worked for me.
Another three words I have learned is: don't lie ever. Is a little white lie ok? I think we all question this. But one little white lie turns into one and into another and so on... Eventually you start to believe it as the truth when all you did was start a little white lie.
Another three words I have learned is: People are complicated. I certainly hope that we all are not alike it would be boring.
Another three words I have learned is: Don't wait to. Don't sit back and think "I will do it tomorrow" of course we all procrastinate when it comes to chores. That is different. Do what your dreams are because someday those dreams can be stripped away from your hands. So enjoy what you can do.
Another three words I have learned is: Acceptance is must. I know we all have some reason in our life to accept what has happened to us. Some people accept quickly, others attempt to accept whatever and other people strive to accept, however they just can't bring themselves to do it. Having a silent chronically illness make those of us a reason to strive to accept. I however have not gotten to that point. Just when I think I have learned to accept it all the bottom falls out and I become numb to find out there is a basement. So then I use my family and friends to help pull me back up and push me to accept. Because they are trying their hardest to accept my illness just as I am learned to accept it. Maybe some time.
So what are your three words?
Keep Smiling
Carla
Friday, October 21, 2016
Life: Pay it Forward...
Life: Pay it Forward...: "Pay it forward..." Have you honestly ever really helped others out in a time of their desperation? Such as at the grocery store...
Pay it Forward...
"Pay it forward..."
Have you honestly ever really helped others out in a time of their desperation? Such as at the grocery store, the gas station, the restaurant? I have been given moments from people I don't even know that have helped me, such as paid for my gas when I couldn't get my card to work, or paid for portion of my groceries when I have been in the time of need, and I even had someone (I didn't know) pay for a smoothy I got at church last weekend.
There we go these individuals still show what humanity is all about by helping others. Therefore are we nudged to "pay it forward". Some people may not think so, but I do truly believe as humans that God has placed on this earth that we should "pay it forward" when we can. And I don't always mean financially. It can be little gifts.
I have let people get in front of me in line at the grocery store because they may only have a couple of items and I have a cart full. Or I have given the go ahead for a vehicle even though I am on the time clock to get somewhere (don't we all seem to be). I have given to others in small tokens of kindness.
This is really what the real world needs. "Paying it forward" does not always mean financially.
A mother with several kids who is struggling at the store, all she wants is a smile or a kind comment. It's not like we want to steal her kids, lord knows I already raised mine. But showing kindness has become something no one seems to do anymore. We all just muddle our way through life waiting for whatever it is we are doing.
I have often wondered where all the vehicles on the road are going? Do they not work, do they not stay home, but I guess they must wonder why I am on the road also. Some show road rage and yet, it is a kind hearted individual who lets you in front of them, lets be honest we will still get to our destination just as soon as we anticipated. "Pay it forward"
But its not just strangers that you can "pay it forward" to. When was the last time, you complimented a friend or family member for anything. When was the last time you made a phone call instead of a text? When was the last time you actually mailed out a card or letter instead of an email. Trust me I am guilty of it all. Until recently the Gastroparesis group I am part of on Facebook decided to help build up others and "pay it forward" we now have pen pals and mail out cards, letters, stickers, post it notes, glitter cards. I can be the first to say it feels great getting these in the mail (other than hate mail - i.e. bills) and it also feels good to write to our pen pals. Have you written a short note to a family member just to lift them up. I can honestly say I have now started to do so. Not just to my Gastroparesis pen pals but to family etc. It shows the person receiving the card/note that you care enough to write them. There we go "pay if forward"
Isn't life generally hard enough that we all just can't seem to get along? The media seems to talk so much about the bad things that happen in our world. But what about the humanity of good people? Why can't their be more good stories from the media? Sometimes watching the news either makes you sad or it makes your own life seem like a piece of cake. (chocolate cake for me - there is no other flavor).
I have really learned to try to uplift others simply because I believe God has kept me here on earth defying all of my health issues is to be kind and show love to thy neighbor. No matter whom they may be.
Don't get me wrong, some people are just completely unhappy and don't want or willing to accept or pay forward anything to anyone. I feel sorry for them, for they don't know what true humility is all about.
So "Pay it forward" what does that mean to you?
Keep Smiling
Carla
Have you honestly ever really helped others out in a time of their desperation? Such as at the grocery store, the gas station, the restaurant? I have been given moments from people I don't even know that have helped me, such as paid for my gas when I couldn't get my card to work, or paid for portion of my groceries when I have been in the time of need, and I even had someone (I didn't know) pay for a smoothy I got at church last weekend.
There we go these individuals still show what humanity is all about by helping others. Therefore are we nudged to "pay it forward". Some people may not think so, but I do truly believe as humans that God has placed on this earth that we should "pay it forward" when we can. And I don't always mean financially. It can be little gifts.
I have let people get in front of me in line at the grocery store because they may only have a couple of items and I have a cart full. Or I have given the go ahead for a vehicle even though I am on the time clock to get somewhere (don't we all seem to be). I have given to others in small tokens of kindness.
This is really what the real world needs. "Paying it forward" does not always mean financially.
A mother with several kids who is struggling at the store, all she wants is a smile or a kind comment. It's not like we want to steal her kids, lord knows I already raised mine. But showing kindness has become something no one seems to do anymore. We all just muddle our way through life waiting for whatever it is we are doing.
I have often wondered where all the vehicles on the road are going? Do they not work, do they not stay home, but I guess they must wonder why I am on the road also. Some show road rage and yet, it is a kind hearted individual who lets you in front of them, lets be honest we will still get to our destination just as soon as we anticipated. "Pay it forward"
But its not just strangers that you can "pay it forward" to. When was the last time, you complimented a friend or family member for anything. When was the last time you made a phone call instead of a text? When was the last time you actually mailed out a card or letter instead of an email. Trust me I am guilty of it all. Until recently the Gastroparesis group I am part of on Facebook decided to help build up others and "pay it forward" we now have pen pals and mail out cards, letters, stickers, post it notes, glitter cards. I can be the first to say it feels great getting these in the mail (other than hate mail - i.e. bills) and it also feels good to write to our pen pals. Have you written a short note to a family member just to lift them up. I can honestly say I have now started to do so. Not just to my Gastroparesis pen pals but to family etc. It shows the person receiving the card/note that you care enough to write them. There we go "pay if forward"
Isn't life generally hard enough that we all just can't seem to get along? The media seems to talk so much about the bad things that happen in our world. But what about the humanity of good people? Why can't their be more good stories from the media? Sometimes watching the news either makes you sad or it makes your own life seem like a piece of cake. (chocolate cake for me - there is no other flavor).
I have really learned to try to uplift others simply because I believe God has kept me here on earth defying all of my health issues is to be kind and show love to thy neighbor. No matter whom they may be.
Don't get me wrong, some people are just completely unhappy and don't want or willing to accept or pay forward anything to anyone. I feel sorry for them, for they don't know what true humility is all about.
So "Pay it forward" what does that mean to you?
Keep Smiling
Carla
"Pay it forward..."
"Pay it forward..."
Have you honestly ever really helped others out in a time of their desperation? Such as at the grocery store, the gas station, the restaurant? I have been given moments from people I don't even know that have helped me, such as paid for my gas when I couldn't get my card to work, or paid for portion of my groceries when I have been in the time of need, and I even had someone (I didn't know) pay for a smoothy I got at church last weekend.
There we go these individuals still show what humanity is all about by helping others. Therefore are we nudged to "pay it forward". Some people may not think so, but I do truly believe as humans that God has placed on this earth that we should "pay it forward" when we can. And I don't always mean financially. It can be little gifts.
I have let people get in front of me in line at the grocery store because they may only have a couple of items and I have a cart full. Or I have given the go ahead for a vehicle even though I am on the time clock to get somewhere (don't we all seem to be). I have given to others in small tokens of kindness.
This is really what the real world needs. "Paying it forward" does not always mean financially.
A mother with several kids who is struggling at the store, all she wants is a smile or a kind comment. It's not like we want to steal her kids, lord knows I already raised mine. But showing kindness has become something no one seems to do anymore. We all just muddle our way thru life waiting for whatever it is we are doing.
I have often wondered where all the vehicles on the road are going? Do they not work, do they not stay home, but I guess they must wonder why I am on the road also. Some show road rage and yet, it is a kind hearted individual who lets you in front of them, lets be honest we will still get to our destination just as soon as we anticipated. "Pay it forward"
But its not just strangers that you can "pay it forward" to. When was the last time, you complimented a friend or family member for anything. When was the last time you made a phone call instead of a text? When was the last time you actually mailed out a card or letter instead of an email.
Have you honestly ever really helped others out in a time of their desperation? Such as at the grocery store, the gas station, the restaurant? I have been given moments from people I don't even know that have helped me, such as paid for my gas when I couldn't get my card to work, or paid for portion of my groceries when I have been in the time of need, and I even had someone (I didn't know) pay for a smoothy I got at church last weekend.
There we go these individuals still show what humanity is all about by helping others. Therefore are we nudged to "pay it forward". Some people may not think so, but I do truly believe as humans that God has placed on this earth that we should "pay it forward" when we can. And I don't always mean financially. It can be little gifts.
I have let people get in front of me in line at the grocery store because they may only have a couple of items and I have a cart full. Or I have given the go ahead for a vehicle even though I am on the time clock to get somewhere (don't we all seem to be). I have given to others in small tokens of kindness.
This is really what the real world needs. "Paying it forward" does not always mean financially.
A mother with several kids who is struggling at the store, all she wants is a smile or a kind comment. It's not like we want to steal her kids, lord knows I already raised mine. But showing kindness has become something no one seems to do anymore. We all just muddle our way thru life waiting for whatever it is we are doing.
I have often wondered where all the vehicles on the road are going? Do they not work, do they not stay home, but I guess they must wonder why I am on the road also. Some show road rage and yet, it is a kind hearted individual who lets you in front of them, lets be honest we will still get to our destination just as soon as we anticipated. "Pay it forward"
But its not just strangers that you can "pay it forward" to. When was the last time, you complimented a friend or family member for anything. When was the last time you made a phone call instead of a text? When was the last time you actually mailed out a card or letter instead of an email.
Tuesday, September 27, 2016
Life: Accept what is...
Life: Accept what is...: "Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be..." I know I have a lot of problems with this statement. I ...
Accept what is...
"Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be..."
I know I have a lot of problems with this statement. I just can't seem to let go of what I used to have. I don't know why, I guess I feel like it was the happy times in my life. My first husband and I living the American dream, raising our three kids and being with friends and of course God in the middle.
I guess God wasn't enough, just as all men and women do you have a mid life crisis and instead of buying a sports car, my first husband thought he should cheat. Well lets just say after 2 years of holding onto what I thought was going to be a good marriage if he dropped his mistress that we could continue on. Guess what I got divorced. My three kids and I had to start all over in life. I worked my butt off to give them all a good home, they finished high school and faced a lot of diversity but yet have conquered it and have become great kids. Don't get me wrong life is such a challenge. For us to accept what is now, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be. Is so very hard for me.
I have always had to be the bad ass in my family from the moment I was born up until now. Boy am I tired of being the bad ass. I'm not saying I am mean, I am just like my Daddy was, a soft hearted, warm, caring, loving, loyal yet independent woman. So why do I keep going on? My faith in what will be... Acceptance is not easy either. Who of us can raise our hands and honestly say they are able accept what is? I know I can't. I don't want to accept the way my life is right now. Even though I try to keep God revolving around me and in my world, he keeps throwing curve balls at me. I realize that I am most certainly NOT perfect and even though I keep revolving I have turned into a depressed pile of "what if". What if I done this or that right? Would I be here right now? What if I had done this or that right? Would I be facing my health and finances in bad shape right now? Let go and Let God.
But man my shoulders are tired of carrying these heavy burdens.
"Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be"
A profound statement. A statement many of us can relate to in so many different ways. All I ask is to be given a break. I am more than certain I have passed all the tests God has thrown at me or that the devil keeps dragging me down what ever path and I have to keep clawing and raising my hand up to God to survive. Survival? That used to be my theme song by Donna Summer, "I will survive"!!!
Yes, I will survive. Not the way I want to though. I guess we can't choose our survival, then their would be no faith in what will be.
I do question, why does God make our bodies fail us? Is it to give us even more strength to fight for or is it to tear us down by the devil. I like to think that God only gives us one body and we should respect it and 'accept what is'. There is that word again Accept.
Do we have to just sit and accept what is? No we can work hard to change the acceptance and then let go of what is so we can face the new what will be. I'd like to think my new what will be is not living a miserable existence for ever. I really hate this miserable existence that my life has me living now. That is the evil of being chronically ill. Do we have to sit and just accept? I don't like to think so. I would love to let it all go, so faith will let lead me to what will be. Human nature doesn't like to let go or even accept because it scares us all. What will faith do for us in what will be?
We can't go "back to the future" like Doc and Marty. If so I know we would all change something in our lives but then their comes the what will be for our future. If we alter our past then our future may not be what our faith intends it to be. But boy I would love to go back and change so much stuff and then maybe, maybe my life now I could accept. I just refuse to accept that I am chronically sick and I can't seem to let it go as to what is my life now. I want to be healthy again. I want to be able to fight for my life, I want to be able to do so many things now that I could never do before. As little as eat and not get sick.
"Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be"
hmmmmm, what will be?
Keep Smiling
Carla
I know I have a lot of problems with this statement. I just can't seem to let go of what I used to have. I don't know why, I guess I feel like it was the happy times in my life. My first husband and I living the American dream, raising our three kids and being with friends and of course God in the middle.
I guess God wasn't enough, just as all men and women do you have a mid life crisis and instead of buying a sports car, my first husband thought he should cheat. Well lets just say after 2 years of holding onto what I thought was going to be a good marriage if he dropped his mistress that we could continue on. Guess what I got divorced. My three kids and I had to start all over in life. I worked my butt off to give them all a good home, they finished high school and faced a lot of diversity but yet have conquered it and have become great kids. Don't get me wrong life is such a challenge. For us to accept what is now, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be. Is so very hard for me.
I have always had to be the bad ass in my family from the moment I was born up until now. Boy am I tired of being the bad ass. I'm not saying I am mean, I am just like my Daddy was, a soft hearted, warm, caring, loving, loyal yet independent woman. So why do I keep going on? My faith in what will be... Acceptance is not easy either. Who of us can raise our hands and honestly say they are able accept what is? I know I can't. I don't want to accept the way my life is right now. Even though I try to keep God revolving around me and in my world, he keeps throwing curve balls at me. I realize that I am most certainly NOT perfect and even though I keep revolving I have turned into a depressed pile of "what if". What if I done this or that right? Would I be here right now? What if I had done this or that right? Would I be facing my health and finances in bad shape right now? Let go and Let God.
But man my shoulders are tired of carrying these heavy burdens.
"Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be"
A profound statement. A statement many of us can relate to in so many different ways. All I ask is to be given a break. I am more than certain I have passed all the tests God has thrown at me or that the devil keeps dragging me down what ever path and I have to keep clawing and raising my hand up to God to survive. Survival? That used to be my theme song by Donna Summer, "I will survive"!!!
Yes, I will survive. Not the way I want to though. I guess we can't choose our survival, then their would be no faith in what will be.
I do question, why does God make our bodies fail us? Is it to give us even more strength to fight for or is it to tear us down by the devil. I like to think that God only gives us one body and we should respect it and 'accept what is'. There is that word again Accept.
Do we have to just sit and accept what is? No we can work hard to change the acceptance and then let go of what is so we can face the new what will be. I'd like to think my new what will be is not living a miserable existence for ever. I really hate this miserable existence that my life has me living now. That is the evil of being chronically ill. Do we have to sit and just accept? I don't like to think so. I would love to let it all go, so faith will let lead me to what will be. Human nature doesn't like to let go or even accept because it scares us all. What will faith do for us in what will be?
We can't go "back to the future" like Doc and Marty. If so I know we would all change something in our lives but then their comes the what will be for our future. If we alter our past then our future may not be what our faith intends it to be. But boy I would love to go back and change so much stuff and then maybe, maybe my life now I could accept. I just refuse to accept that I am chronically sick and I can't seem to let it go as to what is my life now. I want to be healthy again. I want to be able to fight for my life, I want to be able to do so many things now that I could never do before. As little as eat and not get sick.
"Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be"
hmmmmm, what will be?
Keep Smiling
Carla
Thursday, September 22, 2016
Life: Everyday is a hustle...
Life: Everyday is a hustle...: "Everyday is a hustle. Do I get tired? Yes Do I give up? No" I do believe that this quote is for anyone to live by. We all face ...
Everyday is a hustle...
"Everyday is a hustle. Do I get tired? Yes Do I give up? No"
I do believe that this quote is for anyone to live by. We all face the hustle and bustle of everyday life. Life just seems to throw curves and turns each and every minute of our lives towards us and it all depends on our outlook at to how we survive. Do we get tired? Oh yeah Do we give up? No
I am tired every minute of my life, no matter how much I sleep. But that is due to all of my silent chronic illnesses. But I am not going to give up the fight. I push myself each day to work full time as long as I can. (As I pray that my early medical retirement will come through sooner than later). I don't know how I keep working full time, I believe it is sheer grit, willpower and some moxie in there. Each day of my life consists of feeding tube feeds, working away from home and then going home to walk my little dog, Maggie Mae, that is my quiet time with myself and an enjoyment she and I enjoy, and then I die (Well not really die, but physically pass out).
I do realize we all have different difficulties that we all deal with daily in our lives. But gosh it does appear on the outside that some people have it all together. The media paints the good and the bad and as I sit back and take it all in, I realize that sometimes I do have it better, even tho I am chronically ill on a feeding tube, there is always someone out there worse than me. And then the good that comes out from stories that makes your heart skip a beat knowing that their are good people still among the hustle and bustle.
I guess the perfect world would be love thy neighbor as we would wish to be loved ourselves. Yep, that is a perfect world. But we are given trials and tests to see if our faith waivers or if we stand up and not give up. I had given up on the world and was so extremely tired of my horrible health, the loss of my parents and one of my best friends that I didn't even think about it, I just attempted suicide. So I regret it everyday? Yes. Now as I sit back and reflect on my choices back then, I was misguided by not being faithful to myself. I lost sight of giving up. Do I want to give up now? NO
Trust me my depression is a true fight I deal with daily. I struggle praying cause I can't seem to keep my mind focused. So I talk to God constantly daily and he knows what is in my heart and soul. Thank goodness. But I am sure he smacks me upside my head sometimes just knowing every little thing about me. So I guess that is where my loss of words come from. But Bipolar is a real disease that many people seem to shrug off as "Oh you just need to get yourself together and live life". Everyday is a hustle and bustle. So anyone who doesn't have Bipolar stresses.
Do I get tired? Yes. Tired of being chronically sick all the time, tired of dealing with all the aspects of my feeding tube, not being able to eat anything by mouth (and if I do I regret it), fight to get ready for work, try to keep up with some light duty chores and just simply being alive. That is my fight. Yes I am humble.
Humble that God gives me a new day each time my feet hit the floor every morning. That means he wants me to keep up with the hustle and bustle each day. I question him all the time. Most people do question all the time why we face the hustle and bustle. Their are people who thrive at it. Hey my thoughts are "go for it". I used to live that way when I was younger and raising my 3 kiddos. Life was a challenge but I loved every minute of it. But I was healthy.
As the media is streaming everywhere that Brangelina is getting a divorce. Who really cares? Raise your hand!!!! Mine isn't. Do I feel bad for them? Yes. As a divorce' I can feel their pain and having it blow up in the media makes it even worse. I am sure they both wish the hustle and bustle of their individual lives where to be left to themselves. I am sure they are tired of it all. But I am sure they will both keep fighting for their kids.
The hustle and bustle. What does that mean to you? It can have so many meanings to so many people across the world. What if the world just stopped and held hands in unity to fight against whatever their demons are. The world could be a better place. Maybe?
Wishing that I was not chronically ill is something I hold my hands together and think why me? And I know most people who are chronically ill do the same thing. We will never get that answer until we pass away. However we do need to focus on what we can do to help others? It may just be a kind word, a hand written letter (not just a text or email), a phone call, any act of kindness. Because that is all we ask for.
Everyday is a hustle and bustle. Do I get tired? Yes. Do I give up? No.
What about you? Really take stock in your own life and decide what your answers would be to those two easy questions.
We do get tired and but we don't give up. Or at least most of us. Reach out, you never know, you may just save a life when you do. Because of the hustle and bustle and people being tired.
Keep Smiling
Carla
I do believe that this quote is for anyone to live by. We all face the hustle and bustle of everyday life. Life just seems to throw curves and turns each and every minute of our lives towards us and it all depends on our outlook at to how we survive. Do we get tired? Oh yeah Do we give up? No
I am tired every minute of my life, no matter how much I sleep. But that is due to all of my silent chronic illnesses. But I am not going to give up the fight. I push myself each day to work full time as long as I can. (As I pray that my early medical retirement will come through sooner than later). I don't know how I keep working full time, I believe it is sheer grit, willpower and some moxie in there. Each day of my life consists of feeding tube feeds, working away from home and then going home to walk my little dog, Maggie Mae, that is my quiet time with myself and an enjoyment she and I enjoy, and then I die (Well not really die, but physically pass out).
I do realize we all have different difficulties that we all deal with daily in our lives. But gosh it does appear on the outside that some people have it all together. The media paints the good and the bad and as I sit back and take it all in, I realize that sometimes I do have it better, even tho I am chronically ill on a feeding tube, there is always someone out there worse than me. And then the good that comes out from stories that makes your heart skip a beat knowing that their are good people still among the hustle and bustle.
I guess the perfect world would be love thy neighbor as we would wish to be loved ourselves. Yep, that is a perfect world. But we are given trials and tests to see if our faith waivers or if we stand up and not give up. I had given up on the world and was so extremely tired of my horrible health, the loss of my parents and one of my best friends that I didn't even think about it, I just attempted suicide. So I regret it everyday? Yes. Now as I sit back and reflect on my choices back then, I was misguided by not being faithful to myself. I lost sight of giving up. Do I want to give up now? NO
Trust me my depression is a true fight I deal with daily. I struggle praying cause I can't seem to keep my mind focused. So I talk to God constantly daily and he knows what is in my heart and soul. Thank goodness. But I am sure he smacks me upside my head sometimes just knowing every little thing about me. So I guess that is where my loss of words come from. But Bipolar is a real disease that many people seem to shrug off as "Oh you just need to get yourself together and live life". Everyday is a hustle and bustle. So anyone who doesn't have Bipolar stresses.
Do I get tired? Yes. Tired of being chronically sick all the time, tired of dealing with all the aspects of my feeding tube, not being able to eat anything by mouth (and if I do I regret it), fight to get ready for work, try to keep up with some light duty chores and just simply being alive. That is my fight. Yes I am humble.
Humble that God gives me a new day each time my feet hit the floor every morning. That means he wants me to keep up with the hustle and bustle each day. I question him all the time. Most people do question all the time why we face the hustle and bustle. Their are people who thrive at it. Hey my thoughts are "go for it". I used to live that way when I was younger and raising my 3 kiddos. Life was a challenge but I loved every minute of it. But I was healthy.
As the media is streaming everywhere that Brangelina is getting a divorce. Who really cares? Raise your hand!!!! Mine isn't. Do I feel bad for them? Yes. As a divorce' I can feel their pain and having it blow up in the media makes it even worse. I am sure they both wish the hustle and bustle of their individual lives where to be left to themselves. I am sure they are tired of it all. But I am sure they will both keep fighting for their kids.
The hustle and bustle. What does that mean to you? It can have so many meanings to so many people across the world. What if the world just stopped and held hands in unity to fight against whatever their demons are. The world could be a better place. Maybe?
Wishing that I was not chronically ill is something I hold my hands together and think why me? And I know most people who are chronically ill do the same thing. We will never get that answer until we pass away. However we do need to focus on what we can do to help others? It may just be a kind word, a hand written letter (not just a text or email), a phone call, any act of kindness. Because that is all we ask for.
Everyday is a hustle and bustle. Do I get tired? Yes. Do I give up? No.
What about you? Really take stock in your own life and decide what your answers would be to those two easy questions.
We do get tired and but we don't give up. Or at least most of us. Reach out, you never know, you may just save a life when you do. Because of the hustle and bustle and people being tired.
Keep Smiling
Carla
Monday, September 5, 2016
Life: "I'm grateful...
Life: "I'm grateful...: "I'm grateful for being here, for being able to think, for being able to see, for being able to taste..." I am so grateful f...
"I'm grateful...
"I'm grateful for being here, for being able to think, for being able to see, for being able to taste..."
I am so grateful for still being able to be here and to think, see and taste. Taste? Most of us cannot or do not want to taste. Why? Because if makes us nauseated, extreme pain and vomiting. Now that is not something to be grateful for other than we lay on the bathroom floor and wish to be grateful we are still alive and that God let us live another day. Why? Why does God make so many of us have Gastroparesis and live this miserable existence? Good question.
I don't know how to think anymore, I don't want to open my eyes to see and I simply don't want to taste.
I am numb. Numb. Numb. I don't cry anymore, I don't laugh anymore, I don't know how to think anymore. I am just Numb.
This has made me a person I never ever thought I'd become. I used to be bubbly, vibrant, fun loving, exciting, a great friend etc etc. Now I just want to hide and not talk to anyone. I am Numb!
Numb to think, Numb to see, Numb to smell and Numb to taste, taste...
I am going to let this over power me? No I am not, I at first wanted to just die and I even tried and when I saw the pain in my husbands and kids eyes I knew then I wanted to live. live.
One of my daughters sprung on me that she was getting married to her sweetheart any my heart swelled and I cried in happiness. I wanted to live. I want to think, smell, see and taste every part of her wedding day and cry...Not be Numb for even if it's for a short time. Laugh, smile and love.
Numb? I will always be numb and I don't think that will ever go away. Sorry. I just feel this way as I go thru life with sheer grit and will power. For any of my other kids to experience a life change of any kind and I will Laugh, Smile and Love.
And look into my husband's eyes and see them pretty blue and spry. Because he will be with me through these times and he will also Laugh, Smile and yes, Love.
Numb? One more numb is that my parent's are both up in heaven and gained their Angel Wings and I do truly believe that they are guarding me and my kids. Because they know we are Numb and they keep pushing us along knowing there is more in life to be thought about, smell about, open our eyes and see and taste. taste...
Numb? Always
I am so grateful for still being able to be here and to think, see and taste. Taste? Most of us cannot or do not want to taste. Why? Because if makes us nauseated, extreme pain and vomiting. Now that is not something to be grateful for other than we lay on the bathroom floor and wish to be grateful we are still alive and that God let us live another day. Why? Why does God make so many of us have Gastroparesis and live this miserable existence? Good question.
I don't know how to think anymore, I don't want to open my eyes to see and I simply don't want to taste.
I am numb. Numb. Numb. I don't cry anymore, I don't laugh anymore, I don't know how to think anymore. I am just Numb.
This has made me a person I never ever thought I'd become. I used to be bubbly, vibrant, fun loving, exciting, a great friend etc etc. Now I just want to hide and not talk to anyone. I am Numb!
Numb to think, Numb to see, Numb to smell and Numb to taste, taste...
I am going to let this over power me? No I am not, I at first wanted to just die and I even tried and when I saw the pain in my husbands and kids eyes I knew then I wanted to live. live.
One of my daughters sprung on me that she was getting married to her sweetheart any my heart swelled and I cried in happiness. I wanted to live. I want to think, smell, see and taste every part of her wedding day and cry...Not be Numb for even if it's for a short time. Laugh, smile and love.
Numb? I will always be numb and I don't think that will ever go away. Sorry. I just feel this way as I go thru life with sheer grit and will power. For any of my other kids to experience a life change of any kind and I will Laugh, Smile and Love.
And look into my husband's eyes and see them pretty blue and spry. Because he will be with me through these times and he will also Laugh, Smile and yes, Love.
Numb? One more numb is that my parent's are both up in heaven and gained their Angel Wings and I do truly believe that they are guarding me and my kids. Because they know we are Numb and they keep pushing us along knowing there is more in life to be thought about, smell about, open our eyes and see and taste. taste...
Numb? Always
Friday, September 2, 2016
Life: No matter what's happening...
Life: No matter what's happening...: "No matter what's happening...Take time each day to remember all that's good in your life" I believe that we all just ...
No matter what's happening...
"No matter what's happening...Take time each day to remember all that's good in your life"
I believe that we all just go day in and day out in our busy lives by working, raising children, or whatever your life takes you down the path. Do you ever stop and take the time each day to remember all that you have that is good in your life?
I am sure most state that they do and then other's could honestly say they don't. Of course those of us blessed with children truly look at them as the good part of our lives. And many other material things.
But stop and think, really think about what it is that you can remember all that is good in your life.
Once you become chronically sick you find yourself doing that more frequently. As I read the other night, "even when our bodies fail us, our minds can take us anywhere - Our freedom starts inside".
I will tell you when I read that last night over and over it hit me upside the head. My body has and is most certainly failing me, but my mind seems to think I am still young. And of course I feel young at heart and yep my body just sits back and laughs. But to think our minds can take us anywhere? So where is that? What does your mind help you to remember that is good in your life?
I have so many things I like to sit or lay and think about, great memories, good memories, decent memories, not so good memories, many regrets and so on and so on. But why dwell on thing's that don't make us happy? Why not think about all that is good to us in each day?
Even though I live the life of a sick person, my mind still keeps my busy in thought. I do think that I like to look at the good things in my life. I have my kids, my dog Maggie, my husband, etc etc. Those things I will never let go and along with them all I will never let go of those memories.
As one of my daughters is getting married in November and I sit taking pictures to continue with the Power Point for her reception it just makes me laugh, cry and snicker at some of the things that we all did in our past. My children when they were young makes me happy and I realize they are one great thing in my life. But beyond our children, family and friends. What truly makes you realize the good things in your life daily? Some may say football, pizza, motorcycle rides, etc. Unfortunately I can't do some of the things that people do truly look at daily as a good thing. So now my good things in life are a good book curl up in a chair and read and let my mind take me out to those wandering places of joy that physically I won't ever be able to do. So that is one good thing in my life daily. I could never ever live with out music. I am very much a music junky. The one thing that keeps me going daily is my music. So one of my good thing in my daily life (and my best investment) is my Bluetooth headset. It's a must have. For my husband his one good thing daily is the TV and of course Dallas Cowboys football.
I enjoy all of the sights, smells, butterflies, birds, sounds and a good bonfire of the earth that God gave each of us. Nothing is better than a smores (my daughter once ate 14 smores) along a warm bonfire on a cool evening. That is a good thing in life.
As our Gastroparesis family looses a warrior there is a circle of life. God takes and gives back. I like to look at these warriors, who have suffered for however long, gain peace and joy and become our Guardian Angels. Their is a great thing we can look for daily. They place things in our daily lives that everyone just walks around and never looks for. But I do look for them. Signs they give us, the extra twinkles in the stars, the pennies on the ground (my father always had change in his pocket and he would walk around jingling it), the other day I found a dime and two pennies. It was his way of telling me that the next 12 years of my life will be either full of life if I choose to look for the good things daily or my next 12 years could be the hardest I make it. Now what the 12 cents stands for I am yet to find out from my Dad, other than he passed on the 6th and maybe 6+6 makes his 12 cents.
Question I await to be answered. I love birds, and therefore I am always finding feathers. My Mom was a huge fan of Indians and I have a dream catcher tattoo and it has feathers. So I do think my Mom gives me these feathers daily to remind me of her and her loving touches.
So what do you see as daily gifts you get every day? Stop and think and look for them. Let your mind wander into those places that your bodies can't take you. Dream never give up the dreams you have because simply those dreams may just give you peace.
Keep Smiling
Carla
I believe that we all just go day in and day out in our busy lives by working, raising children, or whatever your life takes you down the path. Do you ever stop and take the time each day to remember all that you have that is good in your life?
I am sure most state that they do and then other's could honestly say they don't. Of course those of us blessed with children truly look at them as the good part of our lives. And many other material things.
But stop and think, really think about what it is that you can remember all that is good in your life.
Once you become chronically sick you find yourself doing that more frequently. As I read the other night, "even when our bodies fail us, our minds can take us anywhere - Our freedom starts inside".
I will tell you when I read that last night over and over it hit me upside the head. My body has and is most certainly failing me, but my mind seems to think I am still young. And of course I feel young at heart and yep my body just sits back and laughs. But to think our minds can take us anywhere? So where is that? What does your mind help you to remember that is good in your life?
I have so many things I like to sit or lay and think about, great memories, good memories, decent memories, not so good memories, many regrets and so on and so on. But why dwell on thing's that don't make us happy? Why not think about all that is good to us in each day?
Even though I live the life of a sick person, my mind still keeps my busy in thought. I do think that I like to look at the good things in my life. I have my kids, my dog Maggie, my husband, etc etc. Those things I will never let go and along with them all I will never let go of those memories.
As one of my daughters is getting married in November and I sit taking pictures to continue with the Power Point for her reception it just makes me laugh, cry and snicker at some of the things that we all did in our past. My children when they were young makes me happy and I realize they are one great thing in my life. But beyond our children, family and friends. What truly makes you realize the good things in your life daily? Some may say football, pizza, motorcycle rides, etc. Unfortunately I can't do some of the things that people do truly look at daily as a good thing. So now my good things in life are a good book curl up in a chair and read and let my mind take me out to those wandering places of joy that physically I won't ever be able to do. So that is one good thing in my life daily. I could never ever live with out music. I am very much a music junky. The one thing that keeps me going daily is my music. So one of my good thing in my daily life (and my best investment) is my Bluetooth headset. It's a must have. For my husband his one good thing daily is the TV and of course Dallas Cowboys football.
I enjoy all of the sights, smells, butterflies, birds, sounds and a good bonfire of the earth that God gave each of us. Nothing is better than a smores (my daughter once ate 14 smores) along a warm bonfire on a cool evening. That is a good thing in life.
As our Gastroparesis family looses a warrior there is a circle of life. God takes and gives back. I like to look at these warriors, who have suffered for however long, gain peace and joy and become our Guardian Angels. Their is a great thing we can look for daily. They place things in our daily lives that everyone just walks around and never looks for. But I do look for them. Signs they give us, the extra twinkles in the stars, the pennies on the ground (my father always had change in his pocket and he would walk around jingling it), the other day I found a dime and two pennies. It was his way of telling me that the next 12 years of my life will be either full of life if I choose to look for the good things daily or my next 12 years could be the hardest I make it. Now what the 12 cents stands for I am yet to find out from my Dad, other than he passed on the 6th and maybe 6+6 makes his 12 cents.
Question I await to be answered. I love birds, and therefore I am always finding feathers. My Mom was a huge fan of Indians and I have a dream catcher tattoo and it has feathers. So I do think my Mom gives me these feathers daily to remind me of her and her loving touches.
So what do you see as daily gifts you get every day? Stop and think and look for them. Let your mind wander into those places that your bodies can't take you. Dream never give up the dreams you have because simply those dreams may just give you peace.
Keep Smiling
Carla
Saturday, August 20, 2016
Life: Life gives you lemons...
Life: Life gives you lemons...: "When life gives you lemons instead of making lemonade; squirt someone in the eye" Gosh I sure wish I could do this. I am sure ...
Life gives you lemons...
"When life gives you lemons instead of making lemonade; squirt someone in the eye"
Gosh I sure wish I could do this. I am sure most people could say the same thing. I do believe we all have been in so many situations that you may feel this way. I just think Karma will squirt the lemon into some of the people's eyes that deserve it.
I know I feel like life has squirted lemons into my eyes. It hit me with a huge punch in the gut, totally and completely. I mean hey; I have severe digestive system disorder, complications from feeding tubes, Severe Gastroparesis, Adult Failure to Thrive, Bipolar, Attempted Suicide, COPD, Fibromyalgia, Restless leg syndrome, rotting teeth, poor eye sight and I don't know so many more health issues. So yep "Karma squirted me in the eye". But why?
What did I ever do to deserve this miserable existence? I just keep feeling like I am being punished, but God doesn't do that. He gives us only what we can handle. Well God "I am not such a bad ass anymore" at least not like I used to be.
I was handling all of my health issues to a point and the Gastric Bypass in 2011 gave me new life. I felt good about myself after carrying up alot of weight from having 3 kids. So I lost like 115 lbs and I was looking in the mirror and liking myself. "That lemon stopped squirting me". Little did I know that I would have so may health issues and multiple surgeries after my GB surgery. Two of those pretty much killed me. I have never been the same since. The older I get the harder these illnesses are on me. But this Gastroparesis is the sinker. Now it is "squirting lemon into my eye's". And it HURTS...
I thought I knew what hurt was, God knows I have been through way to much mental, emotional, physical and spiritual hurt. Heck, I even attempted suicide and survived. Sometimes I wonder has my life changed since then. Hmmmm, nope it has only gotten worse. (Disclaimer: No I am not suicidal - thank heavens)...But yep there is that "lemon".
This Gastroparesis will take a strong person down to their knees; litterally and in prayer. I can't count how many times I have hit my knees at the toilet, the sink, the trash can, the side of the road and yep knees on the floor talking to God. Asking each and every time "Please take this from me". I guess that won't happen (at least not right now; there is no cure).
Gastroparesis I do believe ranks right up there with cancer. I know the pain and the hurt a person goes thru with cancer and some are true survivors and then some families are lost after a loved one dies. Any death to a chronic illness just isn't fair. Of course nothing is fair. We are not going to get our of her alive. I pray I will go up to even and become a Angel.
Being chronically ill really makes one want to squirt some people in the eye. But most nurses, doctors, caretakers are a blessing. Trying to explain this illness to people who have no idea just look at us like we are lying and they are dumb founded. Squirt eye.
I know with my chronic illnesses I have been reflecting on regrets, memories and joys. I have went thru alot of the regrets and the memories are still flooding me. Just last night I was into a dream with real reality and it was so graphic that I was right then and there. Then it throws you awake and makes you cry and cry. Seems like dreams bring on many memories good or bad and then wakes you and you realize it was so real and you just cry. I am happy these memories come to me, because that's all I have to hold onto.
This last 3-4 weeks have been hard between financial, emotion and mentally. I have been so sick since my last tube change out and cannot eat or I vomit. So my moto is and I write it to condition myself is: "I cannot eat or I vomit". I will keep saying and writing this. Boy do I want to squirt the doctors in the eye (at least it would make me feel better)
Coming to an end, remember the best way to release stress and frustrations is a true adult "temper tantrum". Trust me it really helps and makes you squirt someone in the eye with a lemon.... (you will feel much better)
Keep Smiling
Carla
Gosh I sure wish I could do this. I am sure most people could say the same thing. I do believe we all have been in so many situations that you may feel this way. I just think Karma will squirt the lemon into some of the people's eyes that deserve it.
I know I feel like life has squirted lemons into my eyes. It hit me with a huge punch in the gut, totally and completely. I mean hey; I have severe digestive system disorder, complications from feeding tubes, Severe Gastroparesis, Adult Failure to Thrive, Bipolar, Attempted Suicide, COPD, Fibromyalgia, Restless leg syndrome, rotting teeth, poor eye sight and I don't know so many more health issues. So yep "Karma squirted me in the eye". But why?
What did I ever do to deserve this miserable existence? I just keep feeling like I am being punished, but God doesn't do that. He gives us only what we can handle. Well God "I am not such a bad ass anymore" at least not like I used to be.
I was handling all of my health issues to a point and the Gastric Bypass in 2011 gave me new life. I felt good about myself after carrying up alot of weight from having 3 kids. So I lost like 115 lbs and I was looking in the mirror and liking myself. "That lemon stopped squirting me". Little did I know that I would have so may health issues and multiple surgeries after my GB surgery. Two of those pretty much killed me. I have never been the same since. The older I get the harder these illnesses are on me. But this Gastroparesis is the sinker. Now it is "squirting lemon into my eye's". And it HURTS...
I thought I knew what hurt was, God knows I have been through way to much mental, emotional, physical and spiritual hurt. Heck, I even attempted suicide and survived. Sometimes I wonder has my life changed since then. Hmmmm, nope it has only gotten worse. (Disclaimer: No I am not suicidal - thank heavens)...But yep there is that "lemon".
This Gastroparesis will take a strong person down to their knees; litterally and in prayer. I can't count how many times I have hit my knees at the toilet, the sink, the trash can, the side of the road and yep knees on the floor talking to God. Asking each and every time "Please take this from me". I guess that won't happen (at least not right now; there is no cure).
Gastroparesis I do believe ranks right up there with cancer. I know the pain and the hurt a person goes thru with cancer and some are true survivors and then some families are lost after a loved one dies. Any death to a chronic illness just isn't fair. Of course nothing is fair. We are not going to get our of her alive. I pray I will go up to even and become a Angel.
Being chronically ill really makes one want to squirt some people in the eye. But most nurses, doctors, caretakers are a blessing. Trying to explain this illness to people who have no idea just look at us like we are lying and they are dumb founded. Squirt eye.
I know with my chronic illnesses I have been reflecting on regrets, memories and joys. I have went thru alot of the regrets and the memories are still flooding me. Just last night I was into a dream with real reality and it was so graphic that I was right then and there. Then it throws you awake and makes you cry and cry. Seems like dreams bring on many memories good or bad and then wakes you and you realize it was so real and you just cry. I am happy these memories come to me, because that's all I have to hold onto.
This last 3-4 weeks have been hard between financial, emotion and mentally. I have been so sick since my last tube change out and cannot eat or I vomit. So my moto is and I write it to condition myself is: "I cannot eat or I vomit". I will keep saying and writing this. Boy do I want to squirt the doctors in the eye (at least it would make me feel better)
Coming to an end, remember the best way to release stress and frustrations is a true adult "temper tantrum". Trust me it really helps and makes you squirt someone in the eye with a lemon.... (you will feel much better)
Keep Smiling
Carla
Saturday, May 28, 2016
Life: “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”...
Life: “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”...: "A day without sunshine is like, you know, night"... So how is it that a chronically ill person seems to be miserable the most a...
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night"...
So how is it that a chronically ill person seems to be miserable the most at night? Is it because we lay and notice the pain more, or that we talk to God and it just seems like he ever seems to answer our prayers (but of course all in God's time not ours) I don't know about you, my med's seem to let me sleep for about 4-5 hours and then my bladder and Maggie's bladder wakes us both up. Then I lay back down and I am in pain, but I hate to take my pain med's because I really need these when I am up and at work.
So the day gives us sunshine, we strive to look at the sunshine and look up and let the rays beam down on our face and just wish. Wish for what? We all have so many different wishes. But a chronically ill person looks for different wishes? I am always drinking my coffee and I sit on my patio on my days off from work and look to the skies and just stare at the sky and I feel befuddled. I don't know why, but I do. I think befuddled is a good way to describe my feelings.
My husband said that "I think way too much". Well if I don't who will. I need to think about so many different things because if I don't my mind would go nuts. I think about the things I can no longer do or the things I had wished for. So I had to rewrite my bucket list to easier things.
A day without sunshine is a day that a chronically ill person lives with.When all they can do is look out their hospital window and watch the world continue to pass by even tho they can no longer be a part of the big world God has created for us. (Or if you think the Big Ban Theory brought us all about). No matter what the shades will eventually be lowered and after family and friends that come to visit and cry and try to make you smile with gifts and loves and kisses. "no one can take your pain away"...So Why me?
Sometimes we lay in the dark of our beds whether at home or at a hospital or nursing home and realize that most likely sometime we may fly high about it all. And instead of the nights being hard on us chronically ill, the nights will be hard for our family & friends. Our once beds will be made and our items will become a shrine for our loved ones.
And then their sunshine will turn to nights and they will cry themselves to sleep as we touch their cheeks as their guardian Angels. And it gives them comfort. Comfort to know we are still alive within them.
It all takes time for our loved ones to learn to sleep at night again and it takes time for our loved one to move on. Will they ever forget? Nope, we will become a memory in their minds and they will struggle to live on and each year they will visit our grave side , even though that is just our shells. Our souls have descended into heaven to be in Gods army.
Not all chronically ill people suffer from cancer, lupus, loss of eyesight; limbs, etc. There so many of us who look good on the outside (we can do our hair, put on makeup and dress good) but we never show the pain our insides our screaming out that we are in such pain that we just don't even want to get up. I know each day I place my feet on the floor, I thank God (sometimes I wish God would have taken me) but I have a purpose and I place my hands on my heart and feel the heart beat and realize that we do have a purpose. Some people never know what their purpose is. Maybe we all need to look for our purpose in our lives no matter if we are sick.
It is so sad to me that families choose to hate and not love because all we have to share in our lives is our childhoods. I am always telling my 3 kids, "no one else will ever share the things that they did together as they grew up"? And since they have grown up they have came to that realization.
But some people are so bull headed, but "The sunshine turns into night" and you could be taken some night to join God's army.
"Do you have so many things left unsaid?
We all have a past and that is it; our past is just that a past. It does define us but "if the sunshine never comes out then can we look forward to the stars that come out at night?" because each star is our loved ones looking down on us. Some believe some don't. That is fine, we all have our own free will.
"So a day without sunshine is like, you know night"
So what kind of sunshine do you want so your nights are easier?
A chronically ill person; just like me, show doesn't look so sick on the outside (well except my feeding tube, my power port and the fact that I vomit a lot), I look ok on the outside. But my insides are all jacked up. I have gone from hell and back dealing with this horrific illness that no one seems to want to recognize or they look "befuddled" when you explain it to them.
For now I am able to get up each day, go to work and I just try. I come home exhausted but I keep trying because I know someday I won't be able to. Each time I do to the hospital and get my tube changed out, I swear it takes a month off of my life. Laying open in the OR given cocktails so they can change out your tube so you having some way to eat, is so extremely hard, but we do it each and every day for our family.
There will come a day that we all will have to make choices about our health and whatever our own choices are it is something that our friends and family need to understand because until you walk in our foot steps you will never ever know our daily struggles.
We all look for "A day with Sunshine, so our nights are full of stars" and not just sleepless nights in pain.
Keep Smiling
Carla
So how is it that a chronically ill person seems to be miserable the most at night? Is it because we lay and notice the pain more, or that we talk to God and it just seems like he ever seems to answer our prayers (but of course all in God's time not ours) I don't know about you, my med's seem to let me sleep for about 4-5 hours and then my bladder and Maggie's bladder wakes us both up. Then I lay back down and I am in pain, but I hate to take my pain med's because I really need these when I am up and at work.
So the day gives us sunshine, we strive to look at the sunshine and look up and let the rays beam down on our face and just wish. Wish for what? We all have so many different wishes. But a chronically ill person looks for different wishes? I am always drinking my coffee and I sit on my patio on my days off from work and look to the skies and just stare at the sky and I feel befuddled. I don't know why, but I do. I think befuddled is a good way to describe my feelings.
My husband said that "I think way too much". Well if I don't who will. I need to think about so many different things because if I don't my mind would go nuts. I think about the things I can no longer do or the things I had wished for. So I had to rewrite my bucket list to easier things.
A day without sunshine is a day that a chronically ill person lives with.When all they can do is look out their hospital window and watch the world continue to pass by even tho they can no longer be a part of the big world God has created for us. (Or if you think the Big Ban Theory brought us all about). No matter what the shades will eventually be lowered and after family and friends that come to visit and cry and try to make you smile with gifts and loves and kisses. "no one can take your pain away"...So Why me?
Sometimes we lay in the dark of our beds whether at home or at a hospital or nursing home and realize that most likely sometime we may fly high about it all. And instead of the nights being hard on us chronically ill, the nights will be hard for our family & friends. Our once beds will be made and our items will become a shrine for our loved ones.
And then their sunshine will turn to nights and they will cry themselves to sleep as we touch their cheeks as their guardian Angels. And it gives them comfort. Comfort to know we are still alive within them.
It all takes time for our loved ones to learn to sleep at night again and it takes time for our loved one to move on. Will they ever forget? Nope, we will become a memory in their minds and they will struggle to live on and each year they will visit our grave side , even though that is just our shells. Our souls have descended into heaven to be in Gods army.
Not all chronically ill people suffer from cancer, lupus, loss of eyesight; limbs, etc. There so many of us who look good on the outside (we can do our hair, put on makeup and dress good) but we never show the pain our insides our screaming out that we are in such pain that we just don't even want to get up. I know each day I place my feet on the floor, I thank God (sometimes I wish God would have taken me) but I have a purpose and I place my hands on my heart and feel the heart beat and realize that we do have a purpose. Some people never know what their purpose is. Maybe we all need to look for our purpose in our lives no matter if we are sick.
It is so sad to me that families choose to hate and not love because all we have to share in our lives is our childhoods. I am always telling my 3 kids, "no one else will ever share the things that they did together as they grew up"? And since they have grown up they have came to that realization.
But some people are so bull headed, but "The sunshine turns into night" and you could be taken some night to join God's army.
"Do you have so many things left unsaid?
We all have a past and that is it; our past is just that a past. It does define us but "if the sunshine never comes out then can we look forward to the stars that come out at night?" because each star is our loved ones looking down on us. Some believe some don't. That is fine, we all have our own free will.
"So a day without sunshine is like, you know night"
So what kind of sunshine do you want so your nights are easier?
A chronically ill person; just like me, show doesn't look so sick on the outside (well except my feeding tube, my power port and the fact that I vomit a lot), I look ok on the outside. But my insides are all jacked up. I have gone from hell and back dealing with this horrific illness that no one seems to want to recognize or they look "befuddled" when you explain it to them.
For now I am able to get up each day, go to work and I just try. I come home exhausted but I keep trying because I know someday I won't be able to. Each time I do to the hospital and get my tube changed out, I swear it takes a month off of my life. Laying open in the OR given cocktails so they can change out your tube so you having some way to eat, is so extremely hard, but we do it each and every day for our family.
There will come a day that we all will have to make choices about our health and whatever our own choices are it is something that our friends and family need to understand because until you walk in our foot steps you will never ever know our daily struggles.
We all look for "A day with Sunshine, so our nights are full of stars" and not just sleepless nights in pain.
Keep Smiling
Carla
Friday, April 22, 2016
Life: Nobody said it is easy...
Life: Nobody said it is easy...: "Nobody ever said it was going to be so easy" Ok, so what does everybody mean when it is stated that nothing was ever going to b...
Nobody said it is easy...
"Nobody ever said it was going to be so easy"
Ok, so what does everybody mean when it is stated that nothing was ever going to be easy?
Does that mean life?
I hate to think that life is always hard. I don't think anyone would want life to be so hard all the time. I do believe that most of us would like to at least be able to enjoy the things that we want. No matter what we consider is our favorite things, we at least wish to be able to do some of our wishes.
I know when you are young and healthy you look at life so differently. But once you get to be older and more wiser you look at like differently also.
But what is you become chronically ill? So what kind of life are you going to be living? No one ever wishes to be a burden, or to be handicapped, mentally ill, physically ill or what ever the chronic illness we are dealt in life. But just as stated about nothing in life is every easy. No matter what anyone's circumstances are life is never easy in different stages of our own individual lives.
But one thing is for sure, we never want to become chronically ill. That is when our mind set becomes different. A chronically ill person spends a lot of their time wishing they were healthy again. But instead we spend most of our times in the ER, in the hospitals, going to doctors, having surgeries, seeing counselors, finding ourselves fighting to survive whatever hand we are dealt. Nobody ever said it was going to be easy.
Our lives are turned up side down. We either have to learn to accept our lives being torn by a serious chronic illness, or we fight it off, or we just keep telling ourselves that we are going to get better if we just do this, or that or ask for a better healthier life. Then the reality starts to set in. We suddenly look in the mirror and what we see back is a chronically ill person. Sometimes we don't even recognize who it is that is looking back yourself. You begin to question "who am I"? "what did I go to deserve this"? Maybe if I had done things differently when I was young and then I wouldn't be sick. However we know that no matter what we did in our younger years of life it doesn't always impact us as to how our lives will be when we get older and we are diagnosed with a illness that makes your heart beat faster, you break out in a sweat and you just simply become numb.
When I was told that I had become chronically ill with a terminal outlook, I was in such shock that I had became numb. My life had came to an end in my own mind. And yes I looked in the mirror and saw a differently face looking back at me. I just couldn't understand yep that question once again "why me"?
So I have started to look for a purpose in my life. Even tho my life now consists of medicines, doctor and after doctor, hospital stays after another hospital stay, nausea and vomiting, and more vomiting and not being able to eat. Living with a feeding tube day in and day out. Feeding myself thru this feeding tube for what ever the rest of my life going to be. Surgery after surgery to replace my tube and put in a port because I had been stuck a kazillion times all of my life. I start to hate myself. And life had become a hard pill to swallow and had left a bitter taste in your mouth.
So now I have had to change my way of life. My families way of life and just wondering when the day will come that my family will be sitting with me as I take my last breath and knowing to myself that I caused all of their pain, and there is nothing I can do to make this pain in their lives go away.
Yes "nobody ever said it was going to be easy", we just never stop to think what in our lives was ever going to be easy. I look at myself in the mirror and now a different set of eyes look back at me and those eyes have pain, sorrow, hurt, denial, anger and yet will. The will to keep living for our spouses, significant others, our children our families and we keep fighting. Not always our will but their will. Yep we fight and someday's we fight to just tell our families each day that we hit our feet on the floor every morning that we love them. Because yep, one day we won't be able to.
"Nobody ever said it was going to be easy"
Keep Smiling
Carla
Ok, so what does everybody mean when it is stated that nothing was ever going to be easy?
Does that mean life?
I hate to think that life is always hard. I don't think anyone would want life to be so hard all the time. I do believe that most of us would like to at least be able to enjoy the things that we want. No matter what we consider is our favorite things, we at least wish to be able to do some of our wishes.
I know when you are young and healthy you look at life so differently. But once you get to be older and more wiser you look at like differently also.
But what is you become chronically ill? So what kind of life are you going to be living? No one ever wishes to be a burden, or to be handicapped, mentally ill, physically ill or what ever the chronic illness we are dealt in life. But just as stated about nothing in life is every easy. No matter what anyone's circumstances are life is never easy in different stages of our own individual lives.
But one thing is for sure, we never want to become chronically ill. That is when our mind set becomes different. A chronically ill person spends a lot of their time wishing they were healthy again. But instead we spend most of our times in the ER, in the hospitals, going to doctors, having surgeries, seeing counselors, finding ourselves fighting to survive whatever hand we are dealt. Nobody ever said it was going to be easy.
Our lives are turned up side down. We either have to learn to accept our lives being torn by a serious chronic illness, or we fight it off, or we just keep telling ourselves that we are going to get better if we just do this, or that or ask for a better healthier life. Then the reality starts to set in. We suddenly look in the mirror and what we see back is a chronically ill person. Sometimes we don't even recognize who it is that is looking back yourself. You begin to question "who am I"? "what did I go to deserve this"? Maybe if I had done things differently when I was young and then I wouldn't be sick. However we know that no matter what we did in our younger years of life it doesn't always impact us as to how our lives will be when we get older and we are diagnosed with a illness that makes your heart beat faster, you break out in a sweat and you just simply become numb.
When I was told that I had become chronically ill with a terminal outlook, I was in such shock that I had became numb. My life had came to an end in my own mind. And yes I looked in the mirror and saw a differently face looking back at me. I just couldn't understand yep that question once again "why me"?
So I have started to look for a purpose in my life. Even tho my life now consists of medicines, doctor and after doctor, hospital stays after another hospital stay, nausea and vomiting, and more vomiting and not being able to eat. Living with a feeding tube day in and day out. Feeding myself thru this feeding tube for what ever the rest of my life going to be. Surgery after surgery to replace my tube and put in a port because I had been stuck a kazillion times all of my life. I start to hate myself. And life had become a hard pill to swallow and had left a bitter taste in your mouth.
So now I have had to change my way of life. My families way of life and just wondering when the day will come that my family will be sitting with me as I take my last breath and knowing to myself that I caused all of their pain, and there is nothing I can do to make this pain in their lives go away.
Yes "nobody ever said it was going to be easy", we just never stop to think what in our lives was ever going to be easy. I look at myself in the mirror and now a different set of eyes look back at me and those eyes have pain, sorrow, hurt, denial, anger and yet will. The will to keep living for our spouses, significant others, our children our families and we keep fighting. Not always our will but their will. Yep we fight and someday's we fight to just tell our families each day that we hit our feet on the floor every morning that we love them. Because yep, one day we won't be able to.
"Nobody ever said it was going to be easy"
Keep Smiling
Carla
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
Life: Fine...
Life: Fine...: Something I learned awhile back: "Fine" stands for: "F" is for frustrated "I" is for insecure "N&quo...
Fine...
Something I learned awhile back:
"Fine" stands for:
"F" is for frustrated
"I" is for insecure
"N" is for neurotic
"E" is for exhausted
So I have learned that I don't answer people with the word "Fine" anymore when they ask me how I am. For the most part people don't really care how you feel so the polite customary way is to tell people you are fine.
After much thought I had heard someone say that when you are a person who lives with multiple health issues and if your feet hit the floor each morning and you thanked God for another day, is to say to people when they great you, that my response now is "I'm giving it a good ole try" and that is exactly what I am doing. Giving each day a good ole try.
Now for me to stay strong and positive is another question. I am just like any other people on this earth, that we all let stress take over our lives. But stress is not healthy for anyone. So what are we supposed to do? We can't always eliminate stress, but we can choose how to handle it. (Okay, I know I am being positive or optimistic) It truly is our choice as to how we handle stress and even our own lives.
I have a strong faith in God, and he gives me direction and hope. So what is the higher power that you truly believe in? Does it give you hope? So being a true Christian it's not always about attending church on Sunday's, it's about being a committed person of faith. I am not saying that I am always committed to my faith and yep, I am human so I do sin (probably most of the time), but I do repent and ask for forgiveness. But I am certainly not "Fine"... I am broken in so many ways.
I always question "why" do I have Gastroparesis, and Bipolar, and a severe digestive system disorder, an autoimmune disease, COPD, Fibromyalgia and so one? I guess because God thinks I am a bad ass and that I can handle it all. And for the most part I do, and yes there are days I don't. So does that make me just "fine"?
Nope, I am not just fine, but I do feel that my purpose since I have been diagnosed with a chronic debilitation terminal illness, is to be a good person, a good friend, a good neighbor, a good listener, a good motivator, and just simply be what I should be and that is giving each day a "good ole try".
So I have learned to smell the flowers, fresh cut grass, look at the sunrises, look at the sunsets, appreciate all that I have and just ride that roller coaster with my health and bipolar. Trust me that roller coaster has been busy here lately. As I am sure many people are the same way. So sit down, buckle up, and just give it a try.
Now I wish I could conjure up a cure for Gastroparesis, Bipolar or any other disorder/disease people have so that we could all live a harmonious life. But I am not God. So why does he allow people (like me and you) suffer physical, mental and emotional pain? I sure wish I knew why. So I have been taking a different look at it. God wants us to be compelled to understand that our physical being is fragile and yep, we do come to an expiration date. It's how we handle our lives as to when that expiration date comes. (mine will be sooner than later - and so many good people have expired sooner than what I have wanted them to)...So I do understand how we all can be numb, upset, angry and eventually accept what we are dealt. I think the cards for me are all stacked the wrong way.
I guess I am scared as to what will happen to me. I have worked all my life from the age of 14 on. I have been a dedicated, reliable employee. Now with my disabilities I am facing a early medical retirement. I think I will still develop a sense of purpose. I will need that purpose to continue to want to live on and fight. And so I have 3 purposes (my kids) and my husband, my step kids, my step grandson, and all of my many friends.
So I kind of thought, I give 2 ladies a ride to work almost every day, (it's on my way and they walk all the time)... I have made 2 new friends and I find that exciting. So what if after my retirement I start up a Uber service. That could give me a purpose still, make a little bit of cash and meet new people.
Are you really just "Fine"...? I know I am not. I am just giving each day a good ole try. Because my feet seem to keep hitting the floor every day after I wake up and so I guess even thru my pain I have to keep going because people rely on me in so many different ways.
So please keep giving your life a "good ole try" and just remember "Fine" is kind of a mind numbing answer to all of the passing question. So mix things up and startle a stranger, worker, friend or whomever with the words, giving it a good ole try.
Keep Smiling
Carla
"Fine" stands for:
"F" is for frustrated
"I" is for insecure
"N" is for neurotic
"E" is for exhausted
So I have learned that I don't answer people with the word "Fine" anymore when they ask me how I am. For the most part people don't really care how you feel so the polite customary way is to tell people you are fine.
After much thought I had heard someone say that when you are a person who lives with multiple health issues and if your feet hit the floor each morning and you thanked God for another day, is to say to people when they great you, that my response now is "I'm giving it a good ole try" and that is exactly what I am doing. Giving each day a good ole try.
Now for me to stay strong and positive is another question. I am just like any other people on this earth, that we all let stress take over our lives. But stress is not healthy for anyone. So what are we supposed to do? We can't always eliminate stress, but we can choose how to handle it. (Okay, I know I am being positive or optimistic) It truly is our choice as to how we handle stress and even our own lives.
I have a strong faith in God, and he gives me direction and hope. So what is the higher power that you truly believe in? Does it give you hope? So being a true Christian it's not always about attending church on Sunday's, it's about being a committed person of faith. I am not saying that I am always committed to my faith and yep, I am human so I do sin (probably most of the time), but I do repent and ask for forgiveness. But I am certainly not "Fine"... I am broken in so many ways.
I always question "why" do I have Gastroparesis, and Bipolar, and a severe digestive system disorder, an autoimmune disease, COPD, Fibromyalgia and so one? I guess because God thinks I am a bad ass and that I can handle it all. And for the most part I do, and yes there are days I don't. So does that make me just "fine"?
Nope, I am not just fine, but I do feel that my purpose since I have been diagnosed with a chronic debilitation terminal illness, is to be a good person, a good friend, a good neighbor, a good listener, a good motivator, and just simply be what I should be and that is giving each day a "good ole try".
So I have learned to smell the flowers, fresh cut grass, look at the sunrises, look at the sunsets, appreciate all that I have and just ride that roller coaster with my health and bipolar. Trust me that roller coaster has been busy here lately. As I am sure many people are the same way. So sit down, buckle up, and just give it a try.
Now I wish I could conjure up a cure for Gastroparesis, Bipolar or any other disorder/disease people have so that we could all live a harmonious life. But I am not God. So why does he allow people (like me and you) suffer physical, mental and emotional pain? I sure wish I knew why. So I have been taking a different look at it. God wants us to be compelled to understand that our physical being is fragile and yep, we do come to an expiration date. It's how we handle our lives as to when that expiration date comes. (mine will be sooner than later - and so many good people have expired sooner than what I have wanted them to)...So I do understand how we all can be numb, upset, angry and eventually accept what we are dealt. I think the cards for me are all stacked the wrong way.
I guess I am scared as to what will happen to me. I have worked all my life from the age of 14 on. I have been a dedicated, reliable employee. Now with my disabilities I am facing a early medical retirement. I think I will still develop a sense of purpose. I will need that purpose to continue to want to live on and fight. And so I have 3 purposes (my kids) and my husband, my step kids, my step grandson, and all of my many friends.
So I kind of thought, I give 2 ladies a ride to work almost every day, (it's on my way and they walk all the time)... I have made 2 new friends and I find that exciting. So what if after my retirement I start up a Uber service. That could give me a purpose still, make a little bit of cash and meet new people.
Are you really just "Fine"...? I know I am not. I am just giving each day a good ole try. Because my feet seem to keep hitting the floor every day after I wake up and so I guess even thru my pain I have to keep going because people rely on me in so many different ways.
So please keep giving your life a "good ole try" and just remember "Fine" is kind of a mind numbing answer to all of the passing question. So mix things up and startle a stranger, worker, friend or whomever with the words, giving it a good ole try.
Keep Smiling
Carla
No wrong turnings...
“There are no wrong turnings. Only paths we had not known we were meant to walk.”
Have you ever caught yourself going down the wrong turn and yet not know how to turn back?
I know I have done this so many different times. And I guess as this quote states there are no wrong turns. These are paths that we didn't know we were meant to walk down. We may not like the walk and we may be scared of what is at this end of the walk, but do we turn around and go back?
But what if you go back and face your past once again? I know I really don't want to face my past and relive it again, as long as I know how my future is all going to turn out (not so pleasant). But what if we could all turn around, go back and correct all of the regrets we have made in our lives? This is something I have been pondering each and every day, simply because my health has really gotten worse from some choices that I made, yep in my past, but if I could go back and make new choices, would my life today be any different?
Just as the "Doc" in "Back to the future" we can't cross paths with our former selves because it would change the time of our future. But let me tell you I really want to go back and make changes because I do really feel like if I could make some different choices in my past life then I wouldn't be sitting here now today with all of these regrets. I will never ever regret my 3 children, they are the absolute
best thing that God ever gave me, was to blessed to be their Momma. I don't know where I'd be without them. So I really don't want to go back so far as to not have my kiddos. I guess I don't really know where I'd want to go back to?
I know God has control of our former, present and future selves (that is if you believe). And I do know that I would not be where I am today without my ultimate faith in God. He is the reason I am still here today. Simply because I lost all sense of my life and I just wanted all of the mental and physical pain to stop and so God saved me from my suicide attempt. So I wonder to myself is this what God saved me for? To live my life in a miserable state and go forward down a different path and no turning back? So of course my human desire is to NOT live such a miserable existence. And trust me there are so many times I really wish God would just take me to heaven. But I know my kids and family would be so hurt and really miss me.
So I guess this path that I am supposed to walk down is way different than the path I would have chosen for myself. I struggle and fight myself constantly and I truly hate this point in my life as it is.
So why as human's do we hate our current state of life if this is truly what God chose for us? Because just that, we are human and that is what we do, fight the current path that we are supposed to walk down. So I guess their are no wrong turns, just a path we didn't know we were supposed to walk down.
Do you have any regrets? Then if so don't look back and take the wrong turn, try to take a path we didn't know we were supposed to follow. Because maybe, just maybe, this path just may be the right turn.
Keep Smiling
Carla
Have you ever caught yourself going down the wrong turn and yet not know how to turn back?
I know I have done this so many different times. And I guess as this quote states there are no wrong turns. These are paths that we didn't know we were meant to walk down. We may not like the walk and we may be scared of what is at this end of the walk, but do we turn around and go back?
But what if you go back and face your past once again? I know I really don't want to face my past and relive it again, as long as I know how my future is all going to turn out (not so pleasant). But what if we could all turn around, go back and correct all of the regrets we have made in our lives? This is something I have been pondering each and every day, simply because my health has really gotten worse from some choices that I made, yep in my past, but if I could go back and make new choices, would my life today be any different?
Just as the "Doc" in "Back to the future" we can't cross paths with our former selves because it would change the time of our future. But let me tell you I really want to go back and make changes because I do really feel like if I could make some different choices in my past life then I wouldn't be sitting here now today with all of these regrets. I will never ever regret my 3 children, they are the absolute
best thing that God ever gave me, was to blessed to be their Momma. I don't know where I'd be without them. So I really don't want to go back so far as to not have my kiddos. I guess I don't really know where I'd want to go back to?
I know God has control of our former, present and future selves (that is if you believe). And I do know that I would not be where I am today without my ultimate faith in God. He is the reason I am still here today. Simply because I lost all sense of my life and I just wanted all of the mental and physical pain to stop and so God saved me from my suicide attempt. So I wonder to myself is this what God saved me for? To live my life in a miserable state and go forward down a different path and no turning back? So of course my human desire is to NOT live such a miserable existence. And trust me there are so many times I really wish God would just take me to heaven. But I know my kids and family would be so hurt and really miss me.
So I guess this path that I am supposed to walk down is way different than the path I would have chosen for myself. I struggle and fight myself constantly and I truly hate this point in my life as it is.
So why as human's do we hate our current state of life if this is truly what God chose for us? Because just that, we are human and that is what we do, fight the current path that we are supposed to walk down. So I guess their are no wrong turns, just a path we didn't know we were supposed to walk down.
Do you have any regrets? Then if so don't look back and take the wrong turn, try to take a path we didn't know we were supposed to follow. Because maybe, just maybe, this path just may be the right turn.
Keep Smiling
Carla
Monday, February 8, 2016
Life: Confidently...
Life: Confidently...: "We all walk confidently knowing that with every ending something new begins!" What if we all walked confidently knowing that e...
Confidently...
"We all walk confidently knowing that with every ending something new begins!"
What if we all walked confidently knowing that every foot step we make on this earth does mean something? We were not put her to just exist.
Although sometimes I'd like to climb into a hole and hide when I really don't feel good at all. But then I always somehow pull my big girl panties on and make my way to work. Simply because it gives me purpose. (however I have initiated filing for a early medical retirement from work) not life though.
I posted that I was tired of going thru all of these feedings tubes (J/G tube) and I go thru these surgery replacements awake but loopy. Ok after 29 surgeries one does get tired. If these tubes were actually going to save my life and any of these other surgeries were going to make my life easier, better etc. I would still have them. But I sat back and soul searched and trying to decide what is "best" for me. And with much thought, I decided to just let this current tube come out once it clogs or whatever and I am not going to do the feeds anymore. (I mean why, I still get sick and vomit whether I am on it or not)... I know someone out here it going to poo poo me and that is ok. We all have our own ideas, our own desires and our own life to live. But have you stopped to realize that our quality of life is miserable.
So how do we stay confident during all of this? We have to realize that their is no "ending", because their is always something new that begins when we decide to take on a different approach to life. Confidence comes from within yourself. I know our health can place us all on a roller coaster ride. But I decided to sit back and throw my arms in the air, be a confident person, and ride that coaster downhill. Because the ride is thrilling.
A positive approach is tough sometimes when we find ourselves (no matter) what our chronic illnesses are, can be hard. But when you sit in bed or in a chair and feel "self pity" then you won't make it in this cold cruel world.
I have been playing the victim card for along time, and last weekend I sat in a recliner at my sister in laws and listened to every one snore and I went multiple times to the toilet to leave my lunch and dinner. And I decided then that you know, God made me this way, why am I fighting it? Why am I not walking confidently in my chronic illness? Because I've been allowing myself to be a victim. Now don't get me wrong, being a victim of these horrible chronic illnesses is very normal. I have went thru so many stages in my life when I was given the ultimate diagnosis of "chronic debilitating digestive terminal illness"...
So I became numb, angry, sad and now acceptance. (and very self protective). And that is ok.
I found myself sitting in the dark thinking to myself "why me?" How could God do this to me and possibly take me away from my kids. But then he touched my heart and told me "sister they are adults now" and that I have instilled so many great qualities in them and that I needed to cut the umbilical cord. Trust me that was so very extremely hard and therefore I did it. I have released them to be the adults they chose to be. I do know that my kids are extremely close to me and will never leave my side. And for that I am extremely blessed that God chose me to be their Mom.
Why do we have to walk confidently knowing that every ending something new begins? Why don't we begin to do something new? Have you made a bucket list? I have (and of course I have re-written it). So maybe riding a Unicorn could be out of reality for me. So I guess riding a horse again is more attainable. But why squelch our dreams. Maybe we could bye a Unicorn at Wal-Mart cause you can buy most everything there. (Oh remember I hate Wal-Mart = and I did have another horrible run in with that place a few weeks back and I swear on my last breath I will never ever go there again)...
So what do we all do each and every day? We attempt to walk confidently in our walk here on earth and know that with every ending something new begins. This is the cycle of life. I hope I can leave a legacy worth talking about and remembering because I sure don't want to bring myself down to earth with Angel Wings and attack some people with confidence so they stop thinking of themselves as victims. Because we aren't victims we are survivors from what ever life throws at us...
Keep Smiling
Carla
What if we all walked confidently knowing that every foot step we make on this earth does mean something? We were not put her to just exist.
Although sometimes I'd like to climb into a hole and hide when I really don't feel good at all. But then I always somehow pull my big girl panties on and make my way to work. Simply because it gives me purpose. (however I have initiated filing for a early medical retirement from work) not life though.
I posted that I was tired of going thru all of these feedings tubes (J/G tube) and I go thru these surgery replacements awake but loopy. Ok after 29 surgeries one does get tired. If these tubes were actually going to save my life and any of these other surgeries were going to make my life easier, better etc. I would still have them. But I sat back and soul searched and trying to decide what is "best" for me. And with much thought, I decided to just let this current tube come out once it clogs or whatever and I am not going to do the feeds anymore. (I mean why, I still get sick and vomit whether I am on it or not)... I know someone out here it going to poo poo me and that is ok. We all have our own ideas, our own desires and our own life to live. But have you stopped to realize that our quality of life is miserable.
So how do we stay confident during all of this? We have to realize that their is no "ending", because their is always something new that begins when we decide to take on a different approach to life. Confidence comes from within yourself. I know our health can place us all on a roller coaster ride. But I decided to sit back and throw my arms in the air, be a confident person, and ride that coaster downhill. Because the ride is thrilling.
A positive approach is tough sometimes when we find ourselves (no matter) what our chronic illnesses are, can be hard. But when you sit in bed or in a chair and feel "self pity" then you won't make it in this cold cruel world.
I have been playing the victim card for along time, and last weekend I sat in a recliner at my sister in laws and listened to every one snore and I went multiple times to the toilet to leave my lunch and dinner. And I decided then that you know, God made me this way, why am I fighting it? Why am I not walking confidently in my chronic illness? Because I've been allowing myself to be a victim. Now don't get me wrong, being a victim of these horrible chronic illnesses is very normal. I have went thru so many stages in my life when I was given the ultimate diagnosis of "chronic debilitating digestive terminal illness"...
So I became numb, angry, sad and now acceptance. (and very self protective). And that is ok.
I found myself sitting in the dark thinking to myself "why me?" How could God do this to me and possibly take me away from my kids. But then he touched my heart and told me "sister they are adults now" and that I have instilled so many great qualities in them and that I needed to cut the umbilical cord. Trust me that was so very extremely hard and therefore I did it. I have released them to be the adults they chose to be. I do know that my kids are extremely close to me and will never leave my side. And for that I am extremely blessed that God chose me to be their Mom.
Why do we have to walk confidently knowing that every ending something new begins? Why don't we begin to do something new? Have you made a bucket list? I have (and of course I have re-written it). So maybe riding a Unicorn could be out of reality for me. So I guess riding a horse again is more attainable. But why squelch our dreams. Maybe we could bye a Unicorn at Wal-Mart cause you can buy most everything there. (Oh remember I hate Wal-Mart = and I did have another horrible run in with that place a few weeks back and I swear on my last breath I will never ever go there again)...
So what do we all do each and every day? We attempt to walk confidently in our walk here on earth and know that with every ending something new begins. This is the cycle of life. I hope I can leave a legacy worth talking about and remembering because I sure don't want to bring myself down to earth with Angel Wings and attack some people with confidence so they stop thinking of themselves as victims. Because we aren't victims we are survivors from what ever life throws at us...
Keep Smiling
Carla
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