"I'm grateful...

"I'm grateful for being here, for being able to think, for being able to see, for being able to taste..."

I am so grateful for still being able to be here and to think, see and taste. Taste? Most of us cannot or do not want to taste. Why? Because if makes us nauseated, extreme pain and vomiting. Now that is not something to be grateful for other than we lay on the bathroom floor and wish to be grateful we are still alive and that God let us live another day. Why? Why does God make so many of us have Gastroparesis and live this miserable existence? Good question.

I don't know how to think anymore, I don't want to open my eyes to see and I simply don't want to taste.

I am numb. Numb. Numb. I don't cry anymore, I don't laugh anymore, I don't know how to think anymore. I am just Numb.

This has made me a person I never ever thought I'd become. I used to be bubbly, vibrant, fun loving, exciting, a great friend etc etc. Now I just want to hide and not talk to anyone. I am Numb!

Numb to think, Numb to see, Numb to smell and Numb to taste, taste...

I am going to let this over power me? No I am not, I at first wanted to just die and I even tried and when I saw the pain in my husbands and kids eyes I knew then I wanted to live. live.

One of my daughters sprung on me that she was getting married to her sweetheart any my heart swelled and I cried in happiness. I wanted to live. I want to think, smell, see and taste every part of her wedding day and cry...Not be Numb for even if it's for a short time. Laugh, smile and love.

Numb? I will always be numb and I don't think that will ever go away. Sorry. I just feel this way as I go thru life with sheer grit and will power. For any of my other kids to experience a life change of any kind and I will Laugh, Smile and Love.

And look into my husband's eyes and see them pretty blue and spry. Because he will be with me through these times and he will also Laugh, Smile and yes, Love.

Numb? One more numb is that my parent's are both up in heaven and gained their Angel Wings and I do truly believe that they are guarding me and my kids. Because they know we are Numb and they keep pushing us along knowing there is more in life to be thought about, smell about, open our eyes and see and taste. taste...

Numb? Always