Losses...

"Some losses never heal you just learn to carry the burden and shed a tear every now and then!!!



I am most certainly feeling this heavy burden of loss today.

I just feel like my life is spiraling down a path that I had never ever felt I would go this way. Life certainly throws many punches our way. And sometimes we just can't seem to move fast enough to miss these punches.

I know God has blessed me many times over and over again. I have the 3 best kiddos on earth and the 5 best step kids, a wonderful husband and grandson. My life would not be complete without them in my life. But I hate where my life is at right now. My chronic health issues has me on a downward spiral and because of this people just don't even understand the pain. I always look at life usually as the glass is half full, but sometimes when we get pushed down multiple times that glass starts to look as half empty. I am there right now, my glass is half empty.

So why? Am I being punished for all of the bad things I have done and continue to do in life? Does God always have to give us so many trials and tribulations to prove our love for him?

So how do we dig ourselves out of the bottom of all of these losses and pick ourselves up and move on? That is a good question that I just don't have the answer to. I was always a strong person and I could always handle everything that was pretty much thrown at me, but now I am NOT that strong tower person. I am strong on the outside but on the inside I am crying over all of these losses.

So I guess the only way to get happy again is look at life differently. I guess it could be worse. But somehow I just don't know how it could be worse. I already have multiple Chronic Illnesses that God has chosen me to take on and live with. How do we live onward with these illnesses and yet thrive, learn, live and love?

I lost the house that I had bought for my 3 kiddos and I after we went thru a very dramatic divorce from their father. We lived in a tiny apartment for 6 months and my ex-husband and I sold the house that we had bought for our family when I was pregnant with our twins. And we totally redid the house and it was our home, however, he reached his midlife crisis and instead of buying a convertable he chose to have an affair and therefore after 2 years of agonizing pain I had to walk away with our 3 kids and start over. I was able to purchase a new home for the kids and I and it was my stable place for my kids. We had the most fun in this house. We laughed, we stayed up all night, we had friends over, we had way word friends spend nights, my home was an open home to whom ever needed a warm blanket, a warm loving hug from a Mother, a place to give everyone comfort. Then I was forced by my job to leave my home move clear across the state and start over without my kids. I lived alone for 6 years in an apartment until I met my new husband. During this time of being gone I lost my Daddy to cancer, I lost my Mom to bad health and she just simply mourned herself to death. I lost my good health and I have became extremely chronically ill with no return to good health in sight. But you know what I will never ever wear pajama pants and slippers to Wal-mart. I have dignity. I still (somehow) get up every day and go to work. I still thank God that I have my job. And I still thank God for my kids, my husband and my life now (even tho I hate it)...

So now what do I do? How do I put this loss behind me and move onward? The tears will always be there when I go home to visit my children and my parents grave. I cry driving to Quincy and I cry driving back to Champaign.

Yet each time I find myself leaning over the golden throne vomiting I cry, I shake, I hate it and yet somehow I breath deep and pull myself together because that's what everyone else wants me to do.

But what if it's not what I want to do? I am so very very exhausted to the point that no one understands unless you are right there with me. And until you walk in "my shoes" you have no right to judge me, or even understand my pain. All you can do is empathize.

So I guess since God wanted me to live on June 2nd when I survived my attempted suicide, I am supposed to pull myself together and live onward. Even tho it is not an easy task.

I have a little neighbor girl, who is so adorable, she is about 11, has very long black hair and walks with me every night as I take my dog Maggie out for her walk. This little girl just talks and talks and talks. I know she is looking for someone to help guide her. I feel her love and yet I feel her sadness at so many different levels. But yet, she has the most promising future if she is guided in the best possible way. She has been asking me about everything there is to do to take care of a bunny. Her parents told her on her birthday in April she could get a bunny. So we have talked about it a lot. I told her that having a pet is a big responsibility and that once you get a pet that they rely on you to keep them feed, watered, safe and loved. And I know that is what as a parent we do. So I know God brought this little girl into my life to help mentor her and show her God's love thru me.

I guess where there is loss, there is also love. Love for the past and pain from the past. But then as the old saying goes "it is better to love than to never have loved"...

Keep Smiling
Carla

Life: Introvert versus extrovert...

Life: Introvert versus extrovert...: "I stay to myself most of the time now!!!" I know that I have recently figured out, from talking with my counselor, that anymor...

Introvert versus extrovert...

"I stay to myself most of the time now!!!"


I know that I have recently figured out, from talking with my counselor, that anymore I stay to myself most of the time. I have always been a major people person and I am still not shy, but because of my past and all of my major health issues I have become very "introverted". This really does bother me tho. So I think that is why I have started up my blog once again, so I can express myself in many different ways.

I am a very diverse lady. I have many talents. I face many challenges daily. I look at life differently than others. I have a very strong faith. I am not afraid to talk to strangers. I am able to speak in a public type forum. And I personally really don't care what others think about me. But yet I have found myself becoming way more to myself and way more introverted. I don't know why but I am.

And not that "staying to yourself most of the time" or being "introverted" is a bad thing. It just means life have evolved around you to the point that you change. Change is a great thing. If we don't allow ourselves to change then we will all struggle ever day even harder than normal. Diversity and change are a positive thing in our own lives.

How do you perceive yourself in life as you sit now? Are you and extrovert or an introvert? Are you willing to change and go with the flow of life? Or are you a person who rebels against change? It doesn't matter who, what or where you are in life? This is simply your choice and your choice alone. No one should ever judge you for your own beliefs, your own ideas, your own views, etc because we are not the ones to make the judgements. Our day of final judgment is when we pass and leave this world.

So what would you like your legacy to be?

So I guess being a deep thinker, or an introvert means we are giving our minds a major work out. Since our bodies can't do it anymore, if you are chronically ill, like me. Our bodies seem to keep wearing out a little every day, so my mind is on overdrive. Sort of...lol

Do introverts and extroverts mix? I like to think so, my mom was an introvert, my dad was an extrovert. They just learned how to manuever life with each being a different person with their own diversity. So I guess that is what I am learning to do is accept my new "normal" what ever it may be (although normal is a setting on my dryer). I certainly hate my health issues, but I guess there is nothing I can do now other than to learn to accept it all.

So I guess all of us introverts who are deep thinkers need to stick together. Because this introvert does do some major over thinking anymore. And I look at life differently anymore. And yep as I always say "we are not going to get out of here alive" so lets use up all we have so when we pass on their is nothing left physically & mentally. I am signed up to be a organ and cadaver donor, but I am not sure what will be left for them to donate. (I kind of plan on using up every bit of me I have)... so then I guess what ever is left and they can't donate it then I can become a science project. Boy will they get a kick out of my "jacked up insides"....lol...and yep I have had 3 different doctors tell me my insides are completely "jacked up"... Good, that means I am "not normal" and boy my husband and kids would agree to that.

So let's just not place labels on anyone and learn to accept whatever the new normal is in this world, because we are not all going to get out of here alive.

Keep Smiling
Carla

Life: Just don't give up...

Life: Just don't give up...: "Never give up on something you really want. It's difficult to wait, but worse to regret!!!" I know I have been told to pl...

Just don't give up...

"Never give up on something you really want. It's difficult to wait, but worse to regret!!!"



I know I have been told to please "just don't give up"... especially since I have already attempted to give up back on June 2nd and wishing to just simply die and go to heaven or meet the devil. Because with my health I already feel like I am living in he*$ now.

But as I sit here an think about things sometimes we just simply see how our own lives go and it really affects our mental thoughts and our outward feelings. But you know there truly are others out there that are actually Yep, worse than us.

I have a sister in christ who struggled with multiple surgeries for years with blood clots in her legs and unfortunately she lost her battle and they had to amputate her leg this past week. It just simply breaks my heart and I have cried some tears over her situation. She has a very strong faith and I know God will carry her through even with all she will be facing. All I pray for is that she will no longer be in immense pain.

A co-worker of mine lost his 2 year old granddaughter this past week to a rare brain cancer. She fought like a little trouper for about year and went thru all the unspeakable cancer treatments and her parents were strong as rocks during everything. I just can not fathom loosing a child before I pass away and now these young parents have lost their first born baby girl to cancer. My heart breaks for them and I even cried several tears for them also.

Let's just say I love "unconditionally" and it can be a plague sometimes.

My husband had a much needed surgery this past week on his neck and thankfully the surgeon was able to repair his vertebrae in his neck and once he gets through the recovery process it should alleviate some of his pain and should be able to return back to work. I sat and cried after the surgeon talked to me and told me. This was great news.

So as I am hunched over the throne vomiting everything I have in my stomach from the last several days, I cry, my nose runs, I get shaky, I sweat and I just sometimes simply pray that I could just throw up my stomach (I so wish it was possible). And I ask God "why me?" and I think all of us ask this question to God sometimes, especially if you are dealing with any kind of a chronic illness.

All I can say is that we need to stop, think and realize: yes life sucks for us chronically ill people but at least we are alive. Even if our existence sucks. We are here to enjoy what parts of life we are given by God. I have been given many talents. I can sing (until my esophagus errodes), I can draw, I can play instruments, I love unconditionally, I give anytime I can, I enjoy all the little things in life that God gives us, I love to spoil others (esp. my husband, kids and pets), I love God and I have a strong faith. But most of all I am still here on this earth because God must not have wanted me yet, for some reason I have yet to figure out.

I guess we all need to just not give up. There is a cure out there, there is new help for our illnesses, there are specialist we can see eventually to help make our lives somewhat easier. There is simply our own minds to help us determine how we see life. Trust me this is very hard, even for me. I struggle so much daily with my Bipolar and Menopause. I have been extremely irritated. I HATE being irritated. I have decided that I have been through enough in my 48 years (29 surgeries, 3 wonderful kids, horrible pregnancies, premature babies, a divorce, loss of my home and all of my belongings, starting over, hitting rock bottom several times and then finding out there was a basement under that rock bottom, a new husband - which is great; new wonderful step kids; and of course my multiple health issues that have now made me chronically ill and disabled).... But I still get up everyday, even as hard as it is, and I go to work, and I some how simply survive and I take this survival on a daily basis. So as a suicide survivor I have decided to not give up.

So has a survivor I look at things daily and appreciate everything God has brought into my life. I may seem and be negative at times, and look at the glass as half empty instead of half full. Does that make me a bad person, NOPE. Because we all can't have good days, but on those days when we aren't good we need to not give up. We need to strive to get through these rough days and pray for a better day tomorrow.

So as you sit there and ponder "can I keep doing this?" and you question life and all that is has handed you or given you, just this simple phrase can get you through if you allow it to "JUST DON'T GIVE UP" because tomorrow can possibly bring you something bigger and better. And if tomorrow doesn't bring you anything bigger and better just keep hanging on and keep fighting towards the next day and then the next day and maybe just maybe it will "get better"...

Keep Smiling
Carla

Life: Miracles...

Life: Miracles...: “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” I don...

Miracles...

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”


I don't know about you but I really wish God would place a miracle in my life that would heal all of my chronic illnesses. But I also know that God gave me all of these chronic illnesses so that I can look at life and everything within this life as a miracle. (so it's a double edged sword)

I have learned from being extremely sick to look at life as though God has granted me another day to be open to any kind of new experiences. Such as the morning sunrise, the butterflies that flutter around me, my dog and her unconditional love, even the locusts who are singing a deafening song right now in the evenings when I take my dog for a walk. Life is full of so many different miracles and they may be small but they are there. You just need to open yourself up to seeing these miracles all around us daily.

How do you look at life? Do you look for the little miracles that God grants us? I know there are day's when we all hang our heads low because we are sick either mentally, physically or emotionally. I have had so many of these days. And I have some pressing health issues coming up with my husband and myself and it is so hard to stop and look at these little miracles. But you know what, God has given me a big miracle in bringing my new husband into my life 2 years ago. He granted me the miracle of being a mother to 3 wonderful kids. And so forth. So I guess there are two ways to live life. We can choose to look for these little miracles or we can choose to just hang our heads and go throughout life hating everything and everyone. But I really think that is a miserable way to live.

I will be having a permanent Jejostomy tube placed sometime within the next week or so. Trust me I have a love/hate relationship with these tubes and I really don't want to have another one, but my life without it is somewhat miserable so having it will help me to feel better. So I guess I can look at it as a miracle from God for me to continue to live on this earth and be here for my husband, kids and family.

I just got 2 new tattoos to represent the passing of my parents, and then to represent my fight with Gastroparesis, and to mark my 3 month anniversary of surviving an attempted suicide. The guy who did my ink was wonderful and they turned out great. This is a miracle/gift from God. I get to display the fact that life can have it's up and downs but we can survive if we choose survival.

I can barely remember much about my attempted suicide, but the one memory that keeps coming back into my mind is my husband, Jeff, screaming my name at me to try to get me to wake up. I hear it in my head now constantly him saying my name and you know I find it comforting to know that he came home early (a miracle from God) from work and he was able to get the ambulance there to save me. The hospital doctor told him if he had been even 30 minutes late I would have been dead. WOW a true miracle from God.

So question is?? What is you WOW in your life? And do you look for all the tiny miracles?

Keep Smiling
Carla