Just don't give up...

"Never give up on something you really want. It's difficult to wait, but worse to regret!!!"



I know I have been told to please "just don't give up"... especially since I have already attempted to give up back on June 2nd and wishing to just simply die and go to heaven or meet the devil. Because with my health I already feel like I am living in he*$ now.

But as I sit here an think about things sometimes we just simply see how our own lives go and it really affects our mental thoughts and our outward feelings. But you know there truly are others out there that are actually Yep, worse than us.

I have a sister in christ who struggled with multiple surgeries for years with blood clots in her legs and unfortunately she lost her battle and they had to amputate her leg this past week. It just simply breaks my heart and I have cried some tears over her situation. She has a very strong faith and I know God will carry her through even with all she will be facing. All I pray for is that she will no longer be in immense pain.

A co-worker of mine lost his 2 year old granddaughter this past week to a rare brain cancer. She fought like a little trouper for about year and went thru all the unspeakable cancer treatments and her parents were strong as rocks during everything. I just can not fathom loosing a child before I pass away and now these young parents have lost their first born baby girl to cancer. My heart breaks for them and I even cried several tears for them also.

Let's just say I love "unconditionally" and it can be a plague sometimes.

My husband had a much needed surgery this past week on his neck and thankfully the surgeon was able to repair his vertebrae in his neck and once he gets through the recovery process it should alleviate some of his pain and should be able to return back to work. I sat and cried after the surgeon talked to me and told me. This was great news.

So as I am hunched over the throne vomiting everything I have in my stomach from the last several days, I cry, my nose runs, I get shaky, I sweat and I just sometimes simply pray that I could just throw up my stomach (I so wish it was possible). And I ask God "why me?" and I think all of us ask this question to God sometimes, especially if you are dealing with any kind of a chronic illness.

All I can say is that we need to stop, think and realize: yes life sucks for us chronically ill people but at least we are alive. Even if our existence sucks. We are here to enjoy what parts of life we are given by God. I have been given many talents. I can sing (until my esophagus errodes), I can draw, I can play instruments, I love unconditionally, I give anytime I can, I enjoy all the little things in life that God gives us, I love to spoil others (esp. my husband, kids and pets), I love God and I have a strong faith. But most of all I am still here on this earth because God must not have wanted me yet, for some reason I have yet to figure out.

I guess we all need to just not give up. There is a cure out there, there is new help for our illnesses, there are specialist we can see eventually to help make our lives somewhat easier. There is simply our own minds to help us determine how we see life. Trust me this is very hard, even for me. I struggle so much daily with my Bipolar and Menopause. I have been extremely irritated. I HATE being irritated. I have decided that I have been through enough in my 48 years (29 surgeries, 3 wonderful kids, horrible pregnancies, premature babies, a divorce, loss of my home and all of my belongings, starting over, hitting rock bottom several times and then finding out there was a basement under that rock bottom, a new husband - which is great; new wonderful step kids; and of course my multiple health issues that have now made me chronically ill and disabled).... But I still get up everyday, even as hard as it is, and I go to work, and I some how simply survive and I take this survival on a daily basis. So as a suicide survivor I have decided to not give up.

So has a survivor I look at things daily and appreciate everything God has brought into my life. I may seem and be negative at times, and look at the glass as half empty instead of half full. Does that make me a bad person, NOPE. Because we all can't have good days, but on those days when we aren't good we need to not give up. We need to strive to get through these rough days and pray for a better day tomorrow.

So as you sit there and ponder "can I keep doing this?" and you question life and all that is has handed you or given you, just this simple phrase can get you through if you allow it to "JUST DON'T GIVE UP" because tomorrow can possibly bring you something bigger and better. And if tomorrow doesn't bring you anything bigger and better just keep hanging on and keep fighting towards the next day and then the next day and maybe just maybe it will "get better"...

Keep Smiling
Carla