Tuesday, September 27, 2016
Life: Accept what is...
Life: Accept what is...: "Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be..." I know I have a lot of problems with this statement. I ...
Accept what is...
"Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be..."
I know I have a lot of problems with this statement. I just can't seem to let go of what I used to have. I don't know why, I guess I feel like it was the happy times in my life. My first husband and I living the American dream, raising our three kids and being with friends and of course God in the middle.
I guess God wasn't enough, just as all men and women do you have a mid life crisis and instead of buying a sports car, my first husband thought he should cheat. Well lets just say after 2 years of holding onto what I thought was going to be a good marriage if he dropped his mistress that we could continue on. Guess what I got divorced. My three kids and I had to start all over in life. I worked my butt off to give them all a good home, they finished high school and faced a lot of diversity but yet have conquered it and have become great kids. Don't get me wrong life is such a challenge. For us to accept what is now, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be. Is so very hard for me.
I have always had to be the bad ass in my family from the moment I was born up until now. Boy am I tired of being the bad ass. I'm not saying I am mean, I am just like my Daddy was, a soft hearted, warm, caring, loving, loyal yet independent woman. So why do I keep going on? My faith in what will be... Acceptance is not easy either. Who of us can raise our hands and honestly say they are able accept what is? I know I can't. I don't want to accept the way my life is right now. Even though I try to keep God revolving around me and in my world, he keeps throwing curve balls at me. I realize that I am most certainly NOT perfect and even though I keep revolving I have turned into a depressed pile of "what if". What if I done this or that right? Would I be here right now? What if I had done this or that right? Would I be facing my health and finances in bad shape right now? Let go and Let God.
But man my shoulders are tired of carrying these heavy burdens.
"Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be"
A profound statement. A statement many of us can relate to in so many different ways. All I ask is to be given a break. I am more than certain I have passed all the tests God has thrown at me or that the devil keeps dragging me down what ever path and I have to keep clawing and raising my hand up to God to survive. Survival? That used to be my theme song by Donna Summer, "I will survive"!!!
Yes, I will survive. Not the way I want to though. I guess we can't choose our survival, then their would be no faith in what will be.
I do question, why does God make our bodies fail us? Is it to give us even more strength to fight for or is it to tear us down by the devil. I like to think that God only gives us one body and we should respect it and 'accept what is'. There is that word again Accept.
Do we have to just sit and accept what is? No we can work hard to change the acceptance and then let go of what is so we can face the new what will be. I'd like to think my new what will be is not living a miserable existence for ever. I really hate this miserable existence that my life has me living now. That is the evil of being chronically ill. Do we have to sit and just accept? I don't like to think so. I would love to let it all go, so faith will let lead me to what will be. Human nature doesn't like to let go or even accept because it scares us all. What will faith do for us in what will be?
We can't go "back to the future" like Doc and Marty. If so I know we would all change something in our lives but then their comes the what will be for our future. If we alter our past then our future may not be what our faith intends it to be. But boy I would love to go back and change so much stuff and then maybe, maybe my life now I could accept. I just refuse to accept that I am chronically sick and I can't seem to let it go as to what is my life now. I want to be healthy again. I want to be able to fight for my life, I want to be able to do so many things now that I could never do before. As little as eat and not get sick.
"Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be"
hmmmmm, what will be?
Keep Smiling
Carla
I know I have a lot of problems with this statement. I just can't seem to let go of what I used to have. I don't know why, I guess I feel like it was the happy times in my life. My first husband and I living the American dream, raising our three kids and being with friends and of course God in the middle.
I guess God wasn't enough, just as all men and women do you have a mid life crisis and instead of buying a sports car, my first husband thought he should cheat. Well lets just say after 2 years of holding onto what I thought was going to be a good marriage if he dropped his mistress that we could continue on. Guess what I got divorced. My three kids and I had to start all over in life. I worked my butt off to give them all a good home, they finished high school and faced a lot of diversity but yet have conquered it and have become great kids. Don't get me wrong life is such a challenge. For us to accept what is now, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be. Is so very hard for me.
I have always had to be the bad ass in my family from the moment I was born up until now. Boy am I tired of being the bad ass. I'm not saying I am mean, I am just like my Daddy was, a soft hearted, warm, caring, loving, loyal yet independent woman. So why do I keep going on? My faith in what will be... Acceptance is not easy either. Who of us can raise our hands and honestly say they are able accept what is? I know I can't. I don't want to accept the way my life is right now. Even though I try to keep God revolving around me and in my world, he keeps throwing curve balls at me. I realize that I am most certainly NOT perfect and even though I keep revolving I have turned into a depressed pile of "what if". What if I done this or that right? Would I be here right now? What if I had done this or that right? Would I be facing my health and finances in bad shape right now? Let go and Let God.
But man my shoulders are tired of carrying these heavy burdens.
"Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be"
A profound statement. A statement many of us can relate to in so many different ways. All I ask is to be given a break. I am more than certain I have passed all the tests God has thrown at me or that the devil keeps dragging me down what ever path and I have to keep clawing and raising my hand up to God to survive. Survival? That used to be my theme song by Donna Summer, "I will survive"!!!
Yes, I will survive. Not the way I want to though. I guess we can't choose our survival, then their would be no faith in what will be.
I do question, why does God make our bodies fail us? Is it to give us even more strength to fight for or is it to tear us down by the devil. I like to think that God only gives us one body and we should respect it and 'accept what is'. There is that word again Accept.
Do we have to just sit and accept what is? No we can work hard to change the acceptance and then let go of what is so we can face the new what will be. I'd like to think my new what will be is not living a miserable existence for ever. I really hate this miserable existence that my life has me living now. That is the evil of being chronically ill. Do we have to sit and just accept? I don't like to think so. I would love to let it all go, so faith will let lead me to what will be. Human nature doesn't like to let go or even accept because it scares us all. What will faith do for us in what will be?
We can't go "back to the future" like Doc and Marty. If so I know we would all change something in our lives but then their comes the what will be for our future. If we alter our past then our future may not be what our faith intends it to be. But boy I would love to go back and change so much stuff and then maybe, maybe my life now I could accept. I just refuse to accept that I am chronically sick and I can't seem to let it go as to what is my life now. I want to be healthy again. I want to be able to fight for my life, I want to be able to do so many things now that I could never do before. As little as eat and not get sick.
"Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be"
hmmmmm, what will be?
Keep Smiling
Carla
Thursday, September 22, 2016
Life: Everyday is a hustle...
Life: Everyday is a hustle...: "Everyday is a hustle. Do I get tired? Yes Do I give up? No" I do believe that this quote is for anyone to live by. We all face ...
Everyday is a hustle...
"Everyday is a hustle. Do I get tired? Yes Do I give up? No"
I do believe that this quote is for anyone to live by. We all face the hustle and bustle of everyday life. Life just seems to throw curves and turns each and every minute of our lives towards us and it all depends on our outlook at to how we survive. Do we get tired? Oh yeah Do we give up? No
I am tired every minute of my life, no matter how much I sleep. But that is due to all of my silent chronic illnesses. But I am not going to give up the fight. I push myself each day to work full time as long as I can. (As I pray that my early medical retirement will come through sooner than later). I don't know how I keep working full time, I believe it is sheer grit, willpower and some moxie in there. Each day of my life consists of feeding tube feeds, working away from home and then going home to walk my little dog, Maggie Mae, that is my quiet time with myself and an enjoyment she and I enjoy, and then I die (Well not really die, but physically pass out).
I do realize we all have different difficulties that we all deal with daily in our lives. But gosh it does appear on the outside that some people have it all together. The media paints the good and the bad and as I sit back and take it all in, I realize that sometimes I do have it better, even tho I am chronically ill on a feeding tube, there is always someone out there worse than me. And then the good that comes out from stories that makes your heart skip a beat knowing that their are good people still among the hustle and bustle.
I guess the perfect world would be love thy neighbor as we would wish to be loved ourselves. Yep, that is a perfect world. But we are given trials and tests to see if our faith waivers or if we stand up and not give up. I had given up on the world and was so extremely tired of my horrible health, the loss of my parents and one of my best friends that I didn't even think about it, I just attempted suicide. So I regret it everyday? Yes. Now as I sit back and reflect on my choices back then, I was misguided by not being faithful to myself. I lost sight of giving up. Do I want to give up now? NO
Trust me my depression is a true fight I deal with daily. I struggle praying cause I can't seem to keep my mind focused. So I talk to God constantly daily and he knows what is in my heart and soul. Thank goodness. But I am sure he smacks me upside my head sometimes just knowing every little thing about me. So I guess that is where my loss of words come from. But Bipolar is a real disease that many people seem to shrug off as "Oh you just need to get yourself together and live life". Everyday is a hustle and bustle. So anyone who doesn't have Bipolar stresses.
Do I get tired? Yes. Tired of being chronically sick all the time, tired of dealing with all the aspects of my feeding tube, not being able to eat anything by mouth (and if I do I regret it), fight to get ready for work, try to keep up with some light duty chores and just simply being alive. That is my fight. Yes I am humble.
Humble that God gives me a new day each time my feet hit the floor every morning. That means he wants me to keep up with the hustle and bustle each day. I question him all the time. Most people do question all the time why we face the hustle and bustle. Their are people who thrive at it. Hey my thoughts are "go for it". I used to live that way when I was younger and raising my 3 kiddos. Life was a challenge but I loved every minute of it. But I was healthy.
As the media is streaming everywhere that Brangelina is getting a divorce. Who really cares? Raise your hand!!!! Mine isn't. Do I feel bad for them? Yes. As a divorce' I can feel their pain and having it blow up in the media makes it even worse. I am sure they both wish the hustle and bustle of their individual lives where to be left to themselves. I am sure they are tired of it all. But I am sure they will both keep fighting for their kids.
The hustle and bustle. What does that mean to you? It can have so many meanings to so many people across the world. What if the world just stopped and held hands in unity to fight against whatever their demons are. The world could be a better place. Maybe?
Wishing that I was not chronically ill is something I hold my hands together and think why me? And I know most people who are chronically ill do the same thing. We will never get that answer until we pass away. However we do need to focus on what we can do to help others? It may just be a kind word, a hand written letter (not just a text or email), a phone call, any act of kindness. Because that is all we ask for.
Everyday is a hustle and bustle. Do I get tired? Yes. Do I give up? No.
What about you? Really take stock in your own life and decide what your answers would be to those two easy questions.
We do get tired and but we don't give up. Or at least most of us. Reach out, you never know, you may just save a life when you do. Because of the hustle and bustle and people being tired.
Keep Smiling
Carla
I do believe that this quote is for anyone to live by. We all face the hustle and bustle of everyday life. Life just seems to throw curves and turns each and every minute of our lives towards us and it all depends on our outlook at to how we survive. Do we get tired? Oh yeah Do we give up? No
I am tired every minute of my life, no matter how much I sleep. But that is due to all of my silent chronic illnesses. But I am not going to give up the fight. I push myself each day to work full time as long as I can. (As I pray that my early medical retirement will come through sooner than later). I don't know how I keep working full time, I believe it is sheer grit, willpower and some moxie in there. Each day of my life consists of feeding tube feeds, working away from home and then going home to walk my little dog, Maggie Mae, that is my quiet time with myself and an enjoyment she and I enjoy, and then I die (Well not really die, but physically pass out).
I do realize we all have different difficulties that we all deal with daily in our lives. But gosh it does appear on the outside that some people have it all together. The media paints the good and the bad and as I sit back and take it all in, I realize that sometimes I do have it better, even tho I am chronically ill on a feeding tube, there is always someone out there worse than me. And then the good that comes out from stories that makes your heart skip a beat knowing that their are good people still among the hustle and bustle.
I guess the perfect world would be love thy neighbor as we would wish to be loved ourselves. Yep, that is a perfect world. But we are given trials and tests to see if our faith waivers or if we stand up and not give up. I had given up on the world and was so extremely tired of my horrible health, the loss of my parents and one of my best friends that I didn't even think about it, I just attempted suicide. So I regret it everyday? Yes. Now as I sit back and reflect on my choices back then, I was misguided by not being faithful to myself. I lost sight of giving up. Do I want to give up now? NO
Trust me my depression is a true fight I deal with daily. I struggle praying cause I can't seem to keep my mind focused. So I talk to God constantly daily and he knows what is in my heart and soul. Thank goodness. But I am sure he smacks me upside my head sometimes just knowing every little thing about me. So I guess that is where my loss of words come from. But Bipolar is a real disease that many people seem to shrug off as "Oh you just need to get yourself together and live life". Everyday is a hustle and bustle. So anyone who doesn't have Bipolar stresses.
Do I get tired? Yes. Tired of being chronically sick all the time, tired of dealing with all the aspects of my feeding tube, not being able to eat anything by mouth (and if I do I regret it), fight to get ready for work, try to keep up with some light duty chores and just simply being alive. That is my fight. Yes I am humble.
Humble that God gives me a new day each time my feet hit the floor every morning. That means he wants me to keep up with the hustle and bustle each day. I question him all the time. Most people do question all the time why we face the hustle and bustle. Their are people who thrive at it. Hey my thoughts are "go for it". I used to live that way when I was younger and raising my 3 kiddos. Life was a challenge but I loved every minute of it. But I was healthy.
As the media is streaming everywhere that Brangelina is getting a divorce. Who really cares? Raise your hand!!!! Mine isn't. Do I feel bad for them? Yes. As a divorce' I can feel their pain and having it blow up in the media makes it even worse. I am sure they both wish the hustle and bustle of their individual lives where to be left to themselves. I am sure they are tired of it all. But I am sure they will both keep fighting for their kids.
The hustle and bustle. What does that mean to you? It can have so many meanings to so many people across the world. What if the world just stopped and held hands in unity to fight against whatever their demons are. The world could be a better place. Maybe?
Wishing that I was not chronically ill is something I hold my hands together and think why me? And I know most people who are chronically ill do the same thing. We will never get that answer until we pass away. However we do need to focus on what we can do to help others? It may just be a kind word, a hand written letter (not just a text or email), a phone call, any act of kindness. Because that is all we ask for.
Everyday is a hustle and bustle. Do I get tired? Yes. Do I give up? No.
What about you? Really take stock in your own life and decide what your answers would be to those two easy questions.
We do get tired and but we don't give up. Or at least most of us. Reach out, you never know, you may just save a life when you do. Because of the hustle and bustle and people being tired.
Keep Smiling
Carla
Monday, September 5, 2016
Life: "I'm grateful...
Life: "I'm grateful...: "I'm grateful for being here, for being able to think, for being able to see, for being able to taste..." I am so grateful f...
"I'm grateful...
"I'm grateful for being here, for being able to think, for being able to see, for being able to taste..."
I am so grateful for still being able to be here and to think, see and taste. Taste? Most of us cannot or do not want to taste. Why? Because if makes us nauseated, extreme pain and vomiting. Now that is not something to be grateful for other than we lay on the bathroom floor and wish to be grateful we are still alive and that God let us live another day. Why? Why does God make so many of us have Gastroparesis and live this miserable existence? Good question.
I don't know how to think anymore, I don't want to open my eyes to see and I simply don't want to taste.
I am numb. Numb. Numb. I don't cry anymore, I don't laugh anymore, I don't know how to think anymore. I am just Numb.
This has made me a person I never ever thought I'd become. I used to be bubbly, vibrant, fun loving, exciting, a great friend etc etc. Now I just want to hide and not talk to anyone. I am Numb!
Numb to think, Numb to see, Numb to smell and Numb to taste, taste...
I am going to let this over power me? No I am not, I at first wanted to just die and I even tried and when I saw the pain in my husbands and kids eyes I knew then I wanted to live. live.
One of my daughters sprung on me that she was getting married to her sweetheart any my heart swelled and I cried in happiness. I wanted to live. I want to think, smell, see and taste every part of her wedding day and cry...Not be Numb for even if it's for a short time. Laugh, smile and love.
Numb? I will always be numb and I don't think that will ever go away. Sorry. I just feel this way as I go thru life with sheer grit and will power. For any of my other kids to experience a life change of any kind and I will Laugh, Smile and Love.
And look into my husband's eyes and see them pretty blue and spry. Because he will be with me through these times and he will also Laugh, Smile and yes, Love.
Numb? One more numb is that my parent's are both up in heaven and gained their Angel Wings and I do truly believe that they are guarding me and my kids. Because they know we are Numb and they keep pushing us along knowing there is more in life to be thought about, smell about, open our eyes and see and taste. taste...
Numb? Always
I am so grateful for still being able to be here and to think, see and taste. Taste? Most of us cannot or do not want to taste. Why? Because if makes us nauseated, extreme pain and vomiting. Now that is not something to be grateful for other than we lay on the bathroom floor and wish to be grateful we are still alive and that God let us live another day. Why? Why does God make so many of us have Gastroparesis and live this miserable existence? Good question.
I don't know how to think anymore, I don't want to open my eyes to see and I simply don't want to taste.
I am numb. Numb. Numb. I don't cry anymore, I don't laugh anymore, I don't know how to think anymore. I am just Numb.
This has made me a person I never ever thought I'd become. I used to be bubbly, vibrant, fun loving, exciting, a great friend etc etc. Now I just want to hide and not talk to anyone. I am Numb!
Numb to think, Numb to see, Numb to smell and Numb to taste, taste...
I am going to let this over power me? No I am not, I at first wanted to just die and I even tried and when I saw the pain in my husbands and kids eyes I knew then I wanted to live. live.
One of my daughters sprung on me that she was getting married to her sweetheart any my heart swelled and I cried in happiness. I wanted to live. I want to think, smell, see and taste every part of her wedding day and cry...Not be Numb for even if it's for a short time. Laugh, smile and love.
Numb? I will always be numb and I don't think that will ever go away. Sorry. I just feel this way as I go thru life with sheer grit and will power. For any of my other kids to experience a life change of any kind and I will Laugh, Smile and Love.
And look into my husband's eyes and see them pretty blue and spry. Because he will be with me through these times and he will also Laugh, Smile and yes, Love.
Numb? One more numb is that my parent's are both up in heaven and gained their Angel Wings and I do truly believe that they are guarding me and my kids. Because they know we are Numb and they keep pushing us along knowing there is more in life to be thought about, smell about, open our eyes and see and taste. taste...
Numb? Always
Friday, September 2, 2016
Life: No matter what's happening...
Life: No matter what's happening...: "No matter what's happening...Take time each day to remember all that's good in your life" I believe that we all just ...
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