Rejoice

"Rejoice with those we are rejoicing, mourn with those who are mourning"  Roman 12:15 NIV

We lost our Mom on May 24th she went to be with our Daddy in heaven and is now our 2nd Angel.

How does one look at loosing a loved one and Rejoice? If you truly believe in God, and that there is a wonderful heaven as described in the Bible then you know you should Rejoice the loss of a loved one for they are in heaven.

But we as humans do need to mourn, and that process takes some time. Especially when you loose your parents. Our Dad has only been deceased for 15 months and now our Mom.

But as God has stated with those who keep their covenant and obey and ask for forgivness and have all of your sins washed away, then you will experience a heavenly ever after with God.

If I had to choose; I would choose death and be victorius and go to heaven with God, so when the day of judgement and God rides down on a white horse and all of those whom had already passed will be on their white horses as part of Gods army and of course take the souls to heaven and send those who have not believed in God they will perish to a ever after that is not so fun.

So if you sit back and come to realize life is short (way to short) to worry, to panic, to be bummed, to hate, etc... And we all need to look at everydays joys and gifts God gives us. Because it is thru him that I believe and I love all of the little miracles he does for me everyday.

But right now, I am in the numb phase of my grief, and there is truly a process in grieving and you are most certainly welcome to go through that process. Its all in how you handle the grieving is how your life will go.

Look to your here and now and the future, never look back into the past and all the bad memories, just remember all of the good memories and that is what will pull you thru this life on earth.

Love you always and forever Dad and Mom

Keep Smiling

Carla

Loss

"You will lose someone you can't live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you really never get completely over the loss of your beloved. But this is also good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn't seal back up. And you come through. It's like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly - that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp"

This statement is so very true, when we loss my Daddy it has been just like loosing a limb and it healed but you never really get over it all. You just have to learn to realize that your loved one is in heaven for eternity until God calls us home to be with them.

As I sit here with my Mom, and she is slowly fading and will hopefully soon be called to heaven with my Daddy and God, it makes you put what is important in your life a priority. Family should always be a priority first and foremost no matter you get along or agree with family members. We all have been given our own will to choose how we want our lives to go and you may never agree with the choices, but you must learn to accept the choices they make because they are your son, daughter, Mom, Dad, sister, brother, so on....

I took my Mom's hand today and told her it was okay for her to go to heaven and be with my
Daddy, and that she would be no longer in pain. So all I can do is pray to God to call her home soon.

It is all about the circle of life, when one leaves this earth a new life is born.

God in heaven has all the grace & mercy and will carry the family left behind and we heal from the badly broken heart just like a limb.

I choose to believe in God and I know that Mom will be much more at peace when she enters her heavenly home.

Carla

Growing Up

"Growing up is not going nearly as efficiently as I had hoped"

I'm sure all of us can agree that this quote is so very true for us in our daily lives. But we all know
we can't go back and grow up differently, but then we don't know what kind of plans God has for us.

I know my life has not been very efficient, in fact quite the opposite. And it just seems like I am always getting myself into situations that I cannot control, or that I cannot get out of. So we must
call that growing pains... So yes I am suffering the consequences of my actions. Consequences teach us more than anybody else can.

I had to learn when I was raising my 3 teenagers that I had to bit my lip alot and let them make the mistakes I knew weren't right (as long as it wasn't hurting them or hurting anybody else), because the consequences was going to teach them the lesson learned.

But what do we do, when we are truly unhappy? This is a question I have been mulling around in my head constantly. I know I keep looking to others to make me happy when really we all must look deep inside of ourselves and find that one true happiness. That happiness that makes us feel that we love ourselves. This can always be extremely hard when we face a Chronic Illness day in and day out. So how do we get our own self esteem back when you look in the mirror and all you see is a chronically ill person looking back at you?

So I sure wish I could have grown up better and that my grown up life had been much more efficient. But all I can figure out is that God has a great sense of humor and loves me enough to make me prove it to him every day.

So has you growing up been efficient?

Keep Smiling

Carla

Broken Pieces

Quote:   "Man is broken. He lives by mending. The grace of God is the glue!"

This is something that is hitting home with me right now. I am most certainly broken and I really don't know how I am going to mend it all. I keep looking up to God and praising him and thanking him every day for the blessing I have in my life. I just really need God to be my glue and to help me get through.

I am simply just not strong enough anymore, I am a emotional, physical, mentally & spiritually a train wreck. And I am simply waiting for everything to crash around me.

It seems like just when I think I have it all together I find out there is a frikkin basement and therefore I hit rock bottom again. (I have been at rock bottom for way to long).

I just don't know how somebody you love and trust could hurt you. Why do they tell you all the time that they love you, but then hurt you.

Lying and being decietful is just not acceptable.

I went through so much pain for the last 7 years and with my health deteriorating I am just becoming a pile of crumbled rocks and I really don't know how to get back up. So being positive for me it completely gone now.

All I keep asking for is someone to help me, love me, be my companion, be my friend, and just over all be honest with me. Why is it that God doesn't bring that person around? Unless he already did and I let him slip out of my hands.

So mending the broken pieces by using God as the glue is really the best way to go.

Keep Smiling

Carla

 

 

 

Words

"These are the words I want on my gravestone: that I was a helper, I loved unconditionally and I actually did dance in the rain"

I guess none of us want to think about our gravestone and what we want on it. Because we all feel like our lives are long and death is hopefully not going to happen until we turn a ripe old age. The truth is we never will ever know when God will finally call us to our eternal home in heaven. And I really don't want to know when God is going to take me home. But let me tell you, I sure wish that my life here on earth had not been such a struggle with all of the trials and tribulations that I have been dealt. All I can think of is that God knows I am generally a strong person (I said generally not every day) I face my demons just like everyone else.

So what do I want on my gravestone and the memories I leave behind my legacy is that: I was loving, caring, kind, funny, witty, brave, musical, warm and unconditionally loving to my kids & family, a great and loyal friend, loved my fur babies (esp. Maggie Mae), loved all animals, loved all people no matter what, and that I looked at life with different eyes.

But I guess we can't get all of these and maybe more on my gravestone. So the words I want on my gravestone hopefully will say that:  "Read my bio, it describes me thourougly."

So I have started my Blog to help, entertain, and show my love for others. I'm sure there are haters out there that may not look at life and my bio as I do, but who cares what the haters think. I have always kept a model of never hating someone. It doesn't mean I may not like someone therefore I just don't talk to some people. But God has motivated me to be loving to all others in every way that I can.

My health issues have certainly made me look at life much differently and knowing that my death may come upon me sooner than later. So this quote really makes you stop and think. Who am I really? How do others look at me? What do others think of me? (Although I really don't care honestly what others think about me), all I know is that I have lived the life that I was dealth with and I have no regrets (Just some mistakes) and I have suffered through many consequences. So nobody is perfect. (Sure wish I could be) but only God is perfect. And we are all loved by God in an imperfect way because yep we are human. I appreciate all that I have been given and I am very hunbled for the gifts in my life (i.e. my kids, my spouse, friends, work, etc).

I know for certain I don't want my gravestone to say that I was a victim of bad health... So I guess I better not let my health issues define who I truly am.

So what would your gravestone say on it?

Keep Smiling

Carla

Rest and Laughter

"Rest and laughter are the most spiritual and subversive acts of all. Laugh, rest, slow down."

How often do you stop, slow down and laugh and rest? I know for myself I didn't do any of these things for many many years. During my first marriage, my 3 kids, full time job, my ex-husbands ownership of his own business, basketball, softball, and on and on and on...

What basically made me stop, slow down and rest was when I got divorced and became extremely ill. That is when your whole life comes to a stop and you look at yourself and think "holy crap" how has this all happened.

I believe that we all run our lives on auto-pilot. We just cruise along and do what we need to do daily to work, take care of families, etc. But we never stop to take care of ourselves until its to late. So
when you finally slow down and rest it is because of a illness or a death of a loved one, etc. So why does it take something tragic in our lives to make us stop in our tracks and say "Whoa"... and realize you have been on auto-pilot your whole life?

Now I sit back and reflect on my life and realize though I do not regret anything that I have done, well not everything, but for the most part my life was good. And if I could do it all over again, I would choose not to, because I have 3 wonderful kids that I wouldn't trade for anything in this whole world.

So on this National Fibromyalgia Day.... stop, slow down, rest and laugh. Because then we take a look at our inner selves and realize we never slow down, rest and laugh and this is the best medicine anyone can do for themselves.

Keep Smiling

Carla

Feelings

"God said to go ahead and feel your feelings. So I did. They felt like shit."

I am pretty much "NUMB" anymore. I have soo many different issues going on between my own horrible health, my husband's issues and pain, worrying about my kids (as any mother should), having financial problems (due to hospital stays and alot of missed work), my brother taking care of my Mom and his job is wearing him down, my sister is going through some major health issues of her own along with her daughter graduating from college this month and her son graduating from High School and going off to the service, And now my Mom is back in the hospital and this time she won't be going back to her cottage, she will be moving into the nursing home, and now we have the issues of getting her old house sold, and selling the new house that her & Dad bought from me, and work, my feeding tube with issues, etc etc etc.

It just seems like nothing ever gets better, it is just spiraling downward and not stopping anywhere along the way to let me see that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I really don't want to become conscious of myself because I am alive and I look deep into myself I feel like shit.

I am always (constantly) worshipping & praying to God for my family, my health, my husbands health, my kids, our finances etc etc etc. He is an amazing God and has blessed me with sooo many things. But it just seems like he isn't working in my time, he is working on his time and that is why I am just simply a frikkin mess. The debt collectors continue to hound me, we are always going to some kind of doctor or ER at least once a week, if not twice a week.

So I just don't know how we are supposed to cling to life and keep fighting if we never get any miracles to happen in our lives, so if God does have a plan for me, I wish he would either strick me down with lightening or at least lighten me about his plans.

So I guess I will just keep taking my life minute by minute and keep my attitude positive although I just don't know how to do that anymore.

So Keep Smiling

Carla

             

Neighborhood

"My mind is a neighborhood I try not to go into alone."

Today my post is going to be alot shorter. I am just having a hard day today, it all started last night with a Hypoglycemia attack (nope I don't have diabetes). And then my tummy has been sick all night and to be gross I had everything that was in my tummy come up and out and also by diarreha. But I had to pick myself up after these explosions this morning and put on my big girl panties and come to work. Gosh I hate being at work when I am so sick, but I have no choice for now, I have to work to carry the health insurance. It sux

Like my quote said "my mind is like a neighborhood" and it is always screaming at me for one thing or another. It just plain and simply wears me out. Just as part of being physically healthy our minds also need to be healthy.

I have lost my mind so many different times, but I seem to always find it...

So we all need to strive to be in a more friendly neighborhood in our minds, body and soul. And we can get that from being as physically healthy as we can be, mentally healthy, emotionally healthy and Spriritually healthy.

So who's in your neighborhood in your mind?

Keep Smiling

Carla

Own everything

"You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better."      

I don't know about you but I have experienced alot in my 48 years. I have had serious and continue to have serious health issues. I experienced a divorce after 25 years, I raised 3 teenagers on my own without assistance from their father. Having one of my kids being Bi-polar and Schizophrenic along with being a transgender person. I may not totally agree with his choices but I do accept him and all his issues and I will love him til eternity. He is my child I gave birth to him no matter whether I had a girl and he is changing his gender to a male. This is truly the unconditional love of a mother. I would never ever turn my back on my children. Not like others have, or how others have refused to accept his choices, it just saddens me.

We do make choices in life about everything that happens to us, some are good choices and some are not so good and then we suffer the consequences. In my life all of the above is so very true. I wish to tell my story by Blogging, Facebook, and Inspire website. Because I hope to help other people out who are experiencing some of the same issues as I, or that I can keep people from making a bad choice.

All of my health issues (some by choice others not by choice) in a small summery is as follows:

Twins pregnancy born by C-section extremely premature 1993
Gallblader removed 1994
2nd Pregnancy born by C-Section 1995
Partial Hysterectomy 1995
Glasses and bad eyesight since I was a child
Asthma turned into COPD 1993 and continues today
2008 Seperation and Divorce - started up my Depression & Anxiety
Full Gastric Bypass 2011
Problems from the Gastric Bypass such as EDG's with ballooning the opening to pouch 2011
Internal Hernia repair and correction of Peterson Syndrome 2012
Fibromyalgia 2011
A second Internal Hernia repair 2012
Perforated Ulcer in pouch caused me 11 day stay in hospital 2013
Complete sickness every since I had the Gastric Bypass so went to Mayo Clinic finally in 2013 and had several tests run, and decided to have a surgeon up there do a partial removal of the Gastric Bypass in 2013

I was feeling so very hopeful that this would correct all or some of my issues and that I could start to lead a normal life, but NOPE

After recovery started throwing up again, admitted to hospital for 7 days and ran multiple tests and doctors figured out I had Severe Gastroparesis, IBS and inflamed Pancreas 2013

Everysince all of these health issues, I have been not good and have been in and out of the ER...

So I had the Gastric Bypass and it didn't help, other than I did loose a ton of weight...
And then having the gastric bypass reveresed was not successful, since my stomach is paralyzed. I am not able to get a neurostimulator, and I couldn't do the meds (too many horrible side effects) so now I have a J/G tube and I have had it changed out and moved like 9 different times since it was placed in Oct. 2014

So those choices gave me very serious complications... And now I live with multiple debilitating diseases that have and will shorten my life. And one consequence from the GP I have gained back about 50 lbs of the weight I had lost.

So I have had so many missed days from work, I have missed so many different events in my kid's life, I have missed alot of fun because I am to sick to go out and do much and when I do to much I pay for it for days.

So what kind of life do I have to deal with daily? Nothing that is simple or easy and I do realize everyone has issues in their lives and some of these issues are complicated and/or easy. I keep asking God for a sign as always "Why me?"

Why do I have to go through so many trials and tribulations? Only God knows these answers and if it wasn't for my strong faith, my husband (yes I got remarried a year ago), and my kids, so I have continued to fight and stay here on this earth. Luckily I have a strong faith and that is what binds me and holds me together. Not that I haven't thought about suicide multiple times...

So I am simply at that point in my life where I have learned to own everything that I have chosen and write about my issues. Do I wish to write about people who should have behaved better so I could warmly write about them?  Nope, I just plain and simple don't want to go there.

So to sum it all up I am most certainly "EXHAUSTED"...

Keep Smiling

Carla

     

Insides to Outsides

"Never compare your insides to everyone else's outsides."   

I never compare myself to others. We all have certain things that just simply doesn't help.

My insides are all "jacked up", according to my doctor, but by looking at me no one can really tell I have some horrible chronic illnesses because of good makeup, etc.

My question has always been "why me?"

But no one knows that answer, except for God. There for awhile, I kind of thought that I am still living is to help my husband and his family out, by stopping all the hatred and not talking. But I just don't know if that is why I am still here. I do believe that God has me still here to be here for my 3 kids. I can't even begin to imagine life without them and I will never give up on them.

Do I look at others and try to compare "NOPE".... I stopped worrying about what others think of me for the last 6 -7 years. I think that attitude has came when I got divorced and got really sick.     

So "Coping" with chronic illnesses is a struggle daily for me. Since my insides are all jacked up, I am constantly sick (nausea, vomiting, diarreha, and pain). So some days it is extremely hard on me physically since I still have to work because I carry the health insurance on all of my kids and husband. And Lord knows we can't go without health insurance.

So therefore, since I still work and my husband is giving his all and trying to work, we don't qualify for any kind of assistance, and we are drowing in major medical debt and other debt. This has both of us upset and depressed.

I'm just simply am "Exhausted" and really don't know how much more I can take.

So I just tell myself to Keep Smiling

Carla  

Unconditional Love (with a Chronic Illness)

"... everyone has come to understand that unconditional love is a reality, but with as shelf life of about eight to ten seconds.

Learning to love unconditionally is given to us by God for our children, our spouse (or significant other) etc.

But the one real true question is do you unconditionally love yourself? It is so hard to love yourself (or even like yourself) when we all have some form of a chronic illness. I understand this completely, I had to learn early on in life that no one is going to love you unconditionally except for God and yourself. So even when we are in our darkest moments we must stop and realize that we are who we are because we cared enough at one point or another during our lives to learn to love ourselves unconditionally or that we haven't and need to. The best way to achieve unconditional about ourselves is to stop. Stop comparing our lives to everyone else's, stop living the life that others want you to do, stop being someone you are not, etc etc etc. But never ever let your chronic illness overcome you to the point of where you never love yourself unconditionally.

I struggle every day with so many issues (to many to name here)...but the one thing I learned from an early age and then resurrected again after my divorce is to love my unconditionally and if someone doesn't like me then that is their problem not mine.

So face your struggles head on loving yourself and giving it all to God.

Keep Smiling
Carla

Places in the Heart

"I don't remember who said this, but there really are places in the heart you don't even know exist until you love a child." 

With my 3 kids having birthdays right now, this quote really hits home to me... My baby turned 20 on April 4th and my twins turn 22 tomorrow May 2nd... I sit back and think wow where did the time go, I can remember very vividly their births and them growing up and it seems like a life time ago yet it seems like just yesterday.

Being a mother/father really does open up your heart more and they hold a very special place in my heart and the love for you child is endless.

I sometimes sit back and remember sitting and holding my premie twins when they came home and I'd rock them and hold them and sing to them. And singing to my kids every night when they went to bed. Now that they are grown up and living on their own I don't get to do that anymore, and sometimes it saddens me. I would almost love to go back to when they were little, but that was so long ago.

My children unfortunately have had to grow up fast due to my divorce from their Dad, and the me being their soul care taker. Life was hard for us for several years financially, physically, mentally and spiritually. I have struggled every since 2008 and boy does that place alot of stress on a person.

I hate the fact that I have a very debilitating disease and that my life span is now shortened. Between having Gastroparesis, Fibromyalgia, COPD, J/G feeding tube and I have had numerous surgeries and hospital stays. My kids have really had to learn that their Mom is very sick and I know it worries them a lot. And I don't want to ever leave this earth and leave them. I know my kids will be extremely upset when I do pass on and go to heaven with my Daddy. And when you think about it, it is a very painful thought.

Life can be a positive place if we all learn to pay it forward. So since I am ill with chronic illnesses it makes me look at life differently. Possibly next year my daughter Colleen may be getting married and I want to be here to help her plan, shop for her dress, etc. I can not image being gone and not being there for her special day.

So that is why I keep fighting my illness and fighting to stay here on earth with them and my husband. Life is to short and to not live and hold people you care so deeply for in a special place in your heart is not an option. Once a parent always a parent (and they don't come with an instruction manual) you just have to strive to do the best you can as a parent and hope you do things the right way. And lord knows I have made alot of decisions in my life and all of them have not been easy or the right way and I had to learn from the consequences. Just as they are now doing since they are 22, 22, and 20.

So cherish your children and keep them locked in that special place in your heart. Simply because it can all be taken away from you in a heartbeat, so always tell them you love them every day.

I praise God for blessing me with 3 great kids, a wonderful second husband and his 5 kids.

Keep Smiling

Carla