I am pretty much "NUMB" anymore. I have soo many different issues going on between my own horrible health, my husband's issues and pain, worrying about my kids (as any mother should), having financial problems (due to hospital stays and alot of missed work), my brother taking care of my Mom and his job is wearing him down, my sister is going through some major health issues of her own along with her daughter graduating from college this month and her son graduating from High School and going off to the service, And now my Mom is back in the hospital and this time she won't be going back to her cottage, she will be moving into the nursing home, and now we have the issues of getting her old house sold, and selling the new house that her & Dad bought from me, and work, my feeding tube with issues, etc etc etc.
It just seems like nothing ever gets better, it is just spiraling downward and not stopping anywhere along the way to let me see that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
I really don't want to become conscious of myself because I am alive and I look deep into myself I feel like shit.
I am always (constantly) worshipping & praying to God for my family, my health, my husbands health, my kids, our finances etc etc etc. He is an amazing God and has blessed me with sooo many things. But it just seems like he isn't working in my time, he is working on his time and that is why I am just simply a frikkin mess. The debt collectors continue to hound me, we are always going to some kind of doctor or ER at least once a week, if not twice a week.
So I just don't know how we are supposed to cling to life and keep fighting if we never get any miracles to happen in our lives, so if God does have a plan for me, I wish he would either strick me down with lightening or at least lighten me about his plans.
So I guess I will just keep taking my life minute by minute and keep my attitude positive although I just don't know how to do that anymore.
So Keep Smiling
Carla
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