Monday, February 8, 2016

Life: Confidently...

Life: Confidently...: "We all walk confidently knowing that with every ending something new begins!" What if we all walked confidently knowing that e...

Confidently...

"We all walk confidently knowing that with every ending something new begins!"




What if we all walked confidently knowing that every foot step we make on this earth does mean something? We were not put her to just exist.


Although sometimes I'd like to climb into a hole and hide when I really don't feel good at all. But then I always somehow pull my big girl panties on and make my way to work. Simply because it gives me purpose. (however I have initiated filing for a early medical retirement from work) not life though.


I posted that I was tired of going thru all of these feedings tubes (J/G tube) and I go thru these surgery replacements awake but loopy. Ok after 29 surgeries one does get tired. If these tubes were actually going to save my life and any of these other surgeries were going to make my life easier, better etc. I would still have them. But I sat back and soul searched and trying to decide what is "best" for me. And with much thought, I decided to just let this current tube come out once it clogs or whatever and I am not going to do the feeds anymore. (I mean why, I still get sick and vomit whether I am on it or not)... I know someone out here it going to poo poo me and that is ok. We all have our own ideas, our own desires and our own life to live. But have you stopped to realize that our quality of life is miserable.


So how do we stay confident during all of this? We have to realize that their is no "ending", because their is always something new that begins when we decide to take on a different approach to life. Confidence comes from within yourself. I know our health can place us all on a roller coaster ride. But I decided to sit back and throw my arms in the air, be a confident person, and ride that coaster downhill. Because the ride is thrilling.


A positive approach is tough sometimes when we find ourselves (no matter) what our chronic illnesses are, can be hard. But when you sit in bed or in a chair and feel "self pity" then you won't make it in this cold cruel world.


I have been playing the victim card for along time, and last weekend I sat in a recliner at my sister in laws and listened to every one snore and I went multiple times to the toilet to leave my lunch and dinner. And I decided then that you know, God made me this way, why am I fighting it? Why am I not walking confidently in my chronic illness? Because I've been allowing myself to be a victim. Now don't get me wrong, being a victim of these horrible chronic illnesses is very normal. I have went thru so many stages in my life when I was given the ultimate diagnosis of "chronic debilitating digestive terminal illness"...


So I became numb, angry, sad and now acceptance. (and very self protective). And that is ok.
I found myself sitting in the dark thinking to myself "why me?" How could God do this to me and possibly take me away from my kids. But then he touched my heart and told me "sister they are adults now" and that I have instilled so many great qualities in them and that I needed to cut the umbilical cord. Trust me that was so very extremely hard and therefore I did it. I have released them to be the adults they chose to be. I do know that my kids are extremely close to me and will never leave my side. And for that I am extremely blessed that God chose me to be their Mom.


Why do we have to walk confidently knowing that every ending something new begins? Why don't we begin to do something new?  Have you made a bucket list? I have (and of course I have re-written it). So maybe riding a Unicorn could be out of reality for me. So I guess riding a horse again is more attainable. But why squelch our dreams. Maybe we could bye a Unicorn at Wal-Mart cause you can buy most everything there. (Oh remember I hate Wal-Mart = and I did have another horrible run in with that place a few weeks back and I swear on my last breath I will never ever go there again)...


So what do we all do each and every day? We attempt to walk confidently in our walk here on earth and know that with every ending something new begins. This is the cycle of life. I hope I can leave a legacy worth talking about and remembering because I sure don't want to bring myself down to earth with Angel Wings and attack some people with confidence so they stop thinking of themselves as victims. Because we aren't victims we are survivors from what ever life throws at us...




Keep Smiling
Carla