Life: Comfort Zone...

Life: Comfort Zone...: "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone" I guess I had not really thought about this quote. Does life really begin when we...

Comfort Zone...

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone"




I guess I had not really thought about this quote. Does life really begin when we step out of our comfort zone? I know when I was a youth leader in a church group back when my kids were teenagers we always taught them to "Think out of the box". So I guess this quote kind of states that, we all need to begin living our life now and not when we step out of our comfort zone.


How many of you have actually stopped (I mean really stopped), took a step back and looked at your life (really looked) and thought "WOW" is this the person that I really am? And maybe you like the person you are, and that is wonderful (don't stop), but I know I am one who has stopped and looked at my life (recently) and have came to the realization that my life has been wonderful, I have so many wonderful memories, I have 3 great kids and a amazing husband. But I just didn't feel complete. I hadn't stepped out of my comfort zone yet, I liked living daily knowing what or how I was going to do things because I have always been a neat freak and somewhat OCD. Always had to be with 3 tiny babies a full time job and bread winner and a husband who owned his own job. So lets just say life was chaotic, busy, I was the Mom who did everything, the basketball Mom, the softball Mom, the tooth fairy, the Santa clause, the tucked into bed every night, the Mom whom allowed every wayward kid into my home because I knew where my kids were then. We lived out in the country and so we chased fireflies, we trampled thru the garden, I even bottled up food out of the garden. Yep we lived in this century. But I wanted our kids to experience the life I did growing up, but with a little more pizazz. And that they did. I have so very many fond memories.


As I recently received grim news from a GI specialist (one of many) that stated I have a chronic terminal illness, this makes you stop dead in your tracks. I have been going thru the numb phase (how could this be happening to me, what did I ever do to deserve this? How could God put me thru this?)


Now I am going thru the sad phase. I just cry at every little thing that triggers these thoughts racing thru my mind. I have found myself being extremely quiet and I just think about all of my numerous memories of my life from the beginning to what my end will be like. I really want to leave a legacy for my kids, but "how?" I have started writing letters to my husband (to open once I pass), I am writing letters to each one of my kids (to open once I pass) and I have been going thru my very personal items and marking them as to which kid gets which item. Trust me this is so extremely hard, but I know I have to do it. I have even re-written my "living will" and "power of attorney".


So why is it that no one ever learns to live out of their comfort zone? Good question? But I don't think they realize that someday they will not get out of this world alive. They think they are indestructible. That nothing will ever happen to them. But we all need to stop and learn to think out of the box.


When I divorced I started a "bucket list" and some of the items on my list where easy and I accomplished several of them, but of course I had some grandiose ideas that really were never going to be attainable. So now that I know I have a terminal illness I have sat back down and I have been re-writing my new bucket list. Trust me these items are much easier to obtain and I pray to God that I can at least do some of these things on my list. I have started by watching the sunsets with coffee and watching the butterflies, birds, squirrels, my cat and my beloved dog, Maggie. And each time I think of Maggie, my kids and my husband it makes me cry to think I am not always going to be there. But I must be strong. Strong for them, strong for me and strong because God is holding me together and therefore I have been positive in helping others deal with their issues of their own. Because maybe just maybe they will be able to live out of their comfort zone and live for a long time.


So I am always telling my kids to look "outside of the box" and take chances. Because we all need to stop living in out comfort zone and look at life differently. I hope I can instill this in my kids and my husband because that is a legacy I want each one of them to remember me by. "Is that Mom or wife took chances, looked at life differently, loved so many different things and was always a blessing to others".


So stop take a look at your own life, and stop to think what if I was told I was going to die sooner than later. Would you step out of your comfort zone? Would you start to live a life you want? Write a "bucket list"? Just simply learn to love the small things in life.


I know I will because once I am gone I have asked God to allow me to fly like a bird, to simply soar over the earth and bask in the view of what God created. Because that is stepping out of my comfort zone.


Keep Smiling
Carla

Life: You have to...

Life: You have to...: "You have to go through the worst to get to the best!!!" I don't know if you can relate to this, but boy can I. I have gone...

You have to...

"You have to go through the worst to get to the best!!!"


I don't know if you can relate to this, but boy can I. I have gone through some very bad things in my life, but you know they have made me stronger and maybe just maybe I have gotten the best things in my life also.

My worst has been some very bad health issues, but then that makes you look at life differently. The worse things in life does bring the best things in life to you as long as you look for it.

If we don't keep our eyes, ears, taste, touch open and ready to learn we will never ever learn the best things we have in life. And I am not talking about family, kids, husbands etc. Those are a given as far as the best things in life (at least they are for me). The best things I can say that I have experienced was gifts God has given me. Just as I have stated before the sunrises, sunsets, beautiful skies, etc.

My biggest sense is my hearing, I am a complete and utterly music fan. I love all genres of music (except for rap and real deep blue grass) other than that I love all music. Depending on my mood will bring out the best music I can find.

My eyes, give me the ability to see so many things, like the little things along with the big things. Of course we can see all of what life gives us. I don't know if I could ever live without sight. It is a true blessing to be able to see all of Gods gifts.

Taste brings so many things into your life. As the holidays have came being able to sit down with family and friends is a great time of year. Unless you are dealing with a chronic illness like Gastroparesis or some other stomach issue. Then the sitting down at a dinner table is the hardest thing in life. We can not partake in all of the great things to taste. But there are other things we can learn to taste and that is up to you. Think about all the things in life that we can learn to taste. I can remember eating glue in grade school (maybe that's what brought about my stomach problems) but if you sit back and think about taste there are many things that we just don't realize what we taste. Kissing someone you love can really open up the sense of taste (why of course) and so many other things. (I will leave this to your imagination).

Touch is probably the biggest thing I crave. I crave being touched, loved, cuddled, hugged etc. This is so very important to me. I crave intimacy (and I am not talking the way others may think). I believe going through all of my chronic illnesses this brings on my need for touch. I am a very self protective person. I always have my arms crossed around my chest, I know this is because I spent years by myself and Ive had to protect myself. From being in and out of the hospital's and being poked and prodded and have gone thru so many different tests, these kinds of touches are not comfortable. So having a better sense of touch is what I desire.

So being so very deep (upon which I am)... I am very raw and I have so many things that run thru my head. My husband says I think way to much, but I think this is a gift from God for me. Because I have this ability to write, and bring out my meanings I have learned in life.

I attempted suicide because I wanted all of the pain to end. But does the pain really end when we do that? Maybe for ourselves but we don't think about all the pain we bring on to our loved ones. They are left behind wondering why? Why did your best friend, child, spouse, Mom or Dad , etc take their own life? How could we leave them behind? So the pain they feel is not the best thing to do.

So even tho we are chronically ill doesn't mean we should give up. I lean on my family, my husband and my faith. My God has led me and has carried me thru so many hard issues in my life. I have faced so many things in my life by myself and so self protection is not always a bad thing. But there are times that maybe we need to open ourselves up to our senses and our family and friends. Because they care and they are their to help us. Our senses that God has given us are gifts.

So dance in the rain (when it is of course a warm rain), catch fireflies with your children, have a bonfire to feel the warmth, taste the snow flakes as they come down (and each snow flake is different just like people), sit and read a great book (drift off into a different world that the writer has given you), find yourself breathing in the scent of a great cologne or perfume, listen to the most amazing music that maybe takes you back to a memory or is just simply amazing. Because it is not the biggest things in life that mean the most, it is the little things in life that brings memories to your family, friends etc.

I choose to do the little things (and actually I have danced in the rain with my kids, I have tasted snowflakes with my kids, I have watched them catch fireflies and tried to save them, I have read the most amazing books, I have of course listened to the most amazing songs and of course when I smell a cologne or perfume that brings back memories whether they are good or not is a gift.

What kind of worst things in your life has brought you the best things in your life? I know what mine are.

Keep  Smiling
Carla

Life: Thanksgiving...

Life: Thanksgiving...: "Thankful for?" I know November is the time of year to be thankful for many things in your life. And a lot of people post somet...

Thanksgiving...

"Thankful for?"


I know November is the time of year to be thankful for many things in your life. And a lot of people post something daily on facebook each day as to what they are thankful for.

I know it is difficult when you are dealing with several chronic illnesses. But we all must look to being thankful for the different things that healthy people are thankful for. I have been thinking about this some as the month goes by and as Thanksgiving gets closer. I have Gastroparesis along with many other multiple silent chronic illnesses. I am to the point I am not able to eat anything at all by mouth and so this upcoming Thanksgiving day with all the foods and trimmings is something I am going to have to face. This will not be easy. And I also feel very sad for my husband whom has had to change his way of life because of my GP.

So instead of sitting and being thankful for the bounty of food in front of us. We all must stop and think about what is it that we are truly thankful for? I have learned over the past several years to stop and look at life differently. Walking in our shoes, those of us with illnesses, is much different than if you walk in shoes of people whom are healthy. So as part of what we deal with daily if should be something that we strive to do on our part to make the people, friends and family aware of what our illnesses are.

So I have been giving thanks for the many little blessings that God has bestowed on me. Such as sunsets, sunrises, bonfires, butterflies, squirrels, my dog Maggie Mae, my kitty cat Ella, my husband (for being with me thru all of my health issues), my friends, my children, work (yep I am still able to work at this time), and many more little things we all must look for.

I know I have a set of guardian Angels whom watch over me daily, both of my parents have recently passed away. This has really sent my health into a downward spiral. I attempted suicide several days after my mother had passed away. I just simply wanted all the pain to stop. (Only people with chronic illnesses understand this). But God must not have wanted me up there yet, he must have a purpose for me here on earth. I feel like my purpose is to bring awareness to GP, COPD, Fibro, Bipolar, etc.

Because there are a lot of people that don't understand these different illnesses and so those of us dealing with these daily issues must help bring awareness to these issues. Of course everyone understands the big "C" word. And of course people who battle cancer don't always make it and some persevere and do. My father unfortunately was one who passed from cancer. So I am well aware of how hard it is to loose a loved one to cancer. But just as cancer is horrible so is all the other chronic illnesses that those of us have.

So what are you going to be thankful for this Thanksgiving? I am not going to be thankful for the food, but I am going to be thankful for my husband, my kids, my family and friends. I am going to look to God and my guardian Angels who carry me every day through all of my troubles. Even when at times I sit and craddle the toilet on bad days and the many ice packs I wear around my tube sight due to infections because at this time I am still alive. Yep, sometimes a very miserable life, but all of my loved ones want me to stick around.

So all of us chronic ill people, lets lift our glass of water, tea, vitamix drinks, smoothies, whatever it is you will partake of on Thanksgiving and give thanks to all of our loved ones for being by our sides during the good and the bad times because we are meant to still be here for some odd reason.

And my thoughts are is to stay out of Walmart, Kmart, Lowes, Menards and many more stores during Thanksgiving, because the holiday is not meant for shopping, it is meant for being thankful. And so if we stay with our loved ones then those that unfortunately have to work on Thanksgiving maybe, just maybe could spend time with their loved ones. And that is the most important thing. Our loved ones.

As a lyric comes to mind:

"It was just like a memory, It was just like a song, When we were young, and it makes us mad getting old."

I am hoping that these memories, songs and being young will help us from getting mad about getting old. Because we are not promised the ability to get older, it is a privledge to get older.

As always with love and thanks

Keep Smiling
Carla

Life: Always do right or wrong...

Life: Always do right or wrong...: "People will always tell you what you did wrong, but will hesitate to compliment you for what you did right." I know people ten...

Always do right or wrong...

"People will always tell you what you did wrong, but will hesitate to compliment you for what you did right."


I know people tend to want to tell you everything you are doing wrong when it comes to your chronic illnesses. Like you should do this, or do that or maybe if you do this you will get better. But it seems like they forget to commend you for doing some kind of great accomplishment when it comes to overcoming a hurdle of your health.

I have faced this so many times. I always get the comment "well you don't look sick"... do they not realize that all chronic illnesses are not noticeable on the outside (of course if they saw me without makeup they would realize my illnesses then). But now that I carry around a bag with the feeding tube connected to me, I seem to get a lot of stares but no one comes up to me to ask me if I need this or if I need that. But then I am a head strong person who is going to keep doing what I need to do to keep myself going. I am not willing to succumb to my illnesses until they just finally take me. Although I know I am progressively getting worse. What saddens me is each time I read about a loss of one of our GP warriors. It really hits home to each of us, and the not knowing.

But why do people tend to thing they know it all and seem to want to tell each of us just what we should or shouldn't do but they never ever acknowledge our accomplishments (no matter how small)?
I guess it is human nature to judge before we acknowledge. And maybe that comes somewhat from our growing up. It used to be in my day that you either won or lost, therefore you either got praise or a talking to about how you did wrong? But that is how we learned to deal with the real world. The real world isn't always about everyone gets a medal for just showing up, or good sportsmanship.

My kids learned the hard way from the hard knocks in life. Just as early young adults they keep learning from choices they make. Like I tell them so many times, it doesn't matter what age you are. You have to make choices as an adult and sometimes they may be good choices or they may be bad but you learn from them and move on. But that's just it, moving on can be hard. I know I have made many bad choices and the 2 biggest ones was what made my health bad. But you can't go back to fix it. (But I at least keep asking God for some help, but his ways of showing me help is not what I am always looking for).

So each and every day we all face trials and tribulations. And yep, people will always critic you for something you didn't do correct but they forget to let you know if you did a good job on something.

But these hard knocks of life is what has shaped me into the person I am today. I am a tough, strong, outgoing, fighter with a lot of gumption and willpower. I do waiver on some days, as we all do, we are not always perfect. But on those days I have to stop and think it could be worse. Yep, maybe I am carrying around a feeding tube bag and can't eat. And maybe my mind is in a brain fog because of my Bipolar (& menopause) and my body hurts from my fibro and the idiots always want to burn their leaves to make my COPD worse. But you know what, I got up today by the grace of God. So what if people tell me what I am doing wrong, for they don't know, they have never walked in my shoes to really know what my story and day to day life is like. And when I get compliments I accept them graciously because the other person really doesn't want to hear how bad your life is.

This is just life...

Keep Smiling
Carla

Life: Being free...

Life: Being free...: "I only ask to be free; the butterflies are free." Have you ever given any thought about being free? Not the kind of free that ...

Being free...

"I only ask to be free; the butterflies are free."


Have you ever given any thought about being free? Not the kind of free that you are thinking about but being truly free from almost everything.

One of my biggest dreams is to be able to fly. Fly way above the ground into the skies (sort of like a bird or a butterfly) and just catch yourself in a crosswind and just soar. Soar about the trees, the flowers, houses, and just feel the breeze blow, feel the freedom of the winds with no true cares other than to be able to nest and eat. I have dreamt many different times about flying. Being way up into the clouds and feeling the mist on my face and knowing that earth is below me where all of the fighting, wars, migrations, hurt, pain, suffering, etc is down there and being able to soar above. (of course you can't be afraid of heights - and that I am not)...

But just being free would be so uplifting. I think we all feel like we want to be free of so many things that each of us face every single day, whether it is health issues, work issues, etc. But as we all know we can give our buckets full of problems to God to carry for us so that our shoulders are given a break but doing this is easier said than being done. But if we could just be a butterfly we would be beautiful and be able to fly. Fly and be free. Now I know that being a butterfly has a shortened life span, but that's ok with me. To just be able to enjoy the flight and to see many things that we can not see down here on earth.

Be free of our chronic illnesses, be free of our pain and suffering and just to be simply free.

What is your dreams or what is on your bucket list? I have many dreams and aspirations and some I most likely won't be able to accomplish, but I do know I have already accomplished many items on my bucket list and I am truly thankful for that. But we are always allowed to dream. This is one free willed items God has given us, our dreams.

So one of my many dreams is to fly and to be beautiful even if it is only for a short time.

Keep Smiling
Carla

Life: Roots of a tree...

Life: Roots of a tree...: "Without roots a tree no matter how tall, cannot stand!" How long do you think you can stand without your own roots? We may no...

Roots of a tree...

"Without roots a tree no matter how tall, cannot stand!"



How long do you think you can stand without your own roots? We may not be made with roots like a tree but we do have our own musculoskeletal system which allows us all to stand firm. But what if your skeletal system didn't even exist? Then I guess we would all be like jelly fish. We would swim in the sea and enjoy life in a different way.

Isn't that how we all are now? We all look and enjoy life in a different way with a different perspective. We "as humans" all look at people from the outside, where as the Lord looks at the heart.

Why do we all judge people from their outward appearance when our lives really count from who we are on the inside? From our own roots, our musculoskeletal system. Some of us have chronical illnesses that causes our own body systems to be incomplete, or how should we put it, short stack of the root system. Does this make us any less taller? Nope, we are all as tall as we feel we are.

I guess as the old saying goes "If a tree falls in the wood and no one is there, does it make a sound?"

So if we are all alone and we were to fall down do we make a sound? Most likely yes cause we would hear ourselves say "ouch" or even more descriptive words. I know as we get older the ground seems to be farther and farther away.

Did God make us with a skeletal system that keeps our human from in shape (what kind of shape) and some people like to state (round is a shape)... Yep, sounds good to me. So if we were to stand up or even sit up tall does that mean our roots are making us taller? I'd like to think so.

I have experienced the ability of cutting down trees for firewood. Have you ever counted the many rings on a tree trunk? This is stated as to indicate out old the tree was. I'd like to think that some trees have many rings because they bring character to the tree. Just think how much a tree endures, it is there to protect us from the sun, protect us from the rain, gives us green leaves, gives us autumn fall with beautiful colors that can bring about imagination that makes up gorgeous paintings. And I am sure trees are posts for Angels to sit among us and view our daily lives from. Or I like to think so.

So why is it that if the roots of a tree are sickly this brings about a sickly tree? The same as our human bodies, if our roots are sickly then we are sickly outwardly. But what if, we don't see the outward sickly form of a tree (or a person). What if this illness is deep inside our roots? Therefore our diseases are silent killers deep within our roots that no one from the outside can see. All they can do is believe. That is exactly the word "Believe". I have been told many different times "Well you don't look sick". As I am sure many people who have a inwardly chronical illness has heard. But yep, our roots are sick but you just cannot see that we are.

But I want to believe that if we can fix our roots then we can fix our bodies. But sometimes it just doesn't work that way. We cannot always fix our roots therefore our insides of our bodies cannot be fixed. We just have to endure the swaying of the winds, the fridged temperatures, the icy patches, the lightining, the rain and whatever else nature throws at our roots. It's just all in how we "stand tall" which gives us our ability to survive. To survive our silent illnesses.

My roots have chosen to be sickly and recently I had to have a feeding tube placed and therefore I now have an outward sign of my tree that shows that my roots are sickly. But you know once I am gone I wonder how many rings can be counted to show how many years I have lived. How many years I had endured the ravashing of life. Exactly that "believe" in "life" and believe that our roots help us to stand tall and to stand tall for what we believe in. No matter what it is that you truly believe in, no one can take that away from you. Your roots give you free will to think and believe. And all of our beliefs are different in some way.

So I say "stand tall" and let your roots stay planted until it is time for our tree to be cut down and then just then they can count your rings of life. I hope that my rings of life will show and expose many different sides of me. Because I chose to believe.

Keep Smiling
Carla

Life: Uniquely you...

Life: Uniquely you...: "Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else." As you all know we are all unique. How do you know? ...

Uniquely you...

"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."


As you all know we are all unique. How do you know? Well God (or if you don't believe) a greater being didn't make either one of us alike. Well except for identical twins. I have identical twins that are now 22 and for the most part they are exactly alike except for one is now a transgender, is Bipolar and his sister is none of those things.

So even though my son (born an identical twin) is different and is a transgender; does that mean I should turn my back on him? No, if you love unconditionally as a parent and you watch your identical twins born premature and all they have gone through then you should never ever turn your back on your child, family, friends, etc. Because until you actually walk in someone else's shoes you will never ever know what their unique story is.

I know I have written a lot about "why" and "why this" and "why that"? But I have came to realize we are all tested by God because we are unique and we are earning our stars and stripes into heaven. (At least I want to go to heaven)....We are not the true judge

My unique self has many different flaws, because I am human. Being a unique human is what makes this world revolve. We may not like many different things about this world, or a person or what ever floats your boat. But you know what, just think "if we were all just exactly alike wouldn't this world be boring"... I would love to have a clone to be me and deal with all of my chronic health issues so I could actually enjoy my life. But I have came to a realization after I sat with at my parents grave side with pretty flowers (as we wait for their gravestone to be set) and I talked, cried and listened. Yep listened to what they and God had to say to me. I suddenly had this eerie kind of calm flow over me and I felt this whisper from either God or my parents saying "You've got this"... for "I know the plans I have for you" and yep, even though we may not like these plans or maybe we are still sitting and waiting on these plans why do we have to conform?

There is so much in the news about racism, fighting, politics, etc. Sometimes listening to the news can be depressing. But I find that listening to the news helps me place into a perspective that my life is actually fairly normal. I may be chronically ill and have a feeding tube, Bipolar, COPD, and so forth but at least I have 3 wonderful kids, 5 great step kids, 3 sweet grandsons, a husband who is willing to put up with me throughout all of my issues. And so therefore I feel that I am blessed.

I certainly didn't feel this way back on June 2nd when I just wanted all of the pain to go away. And yet God must have felt I needed to continue to stay here on earth and do my part "be unique"...


Yep, I am awaiting the Zombie apocolypse, or reincarnation or fire and brim stone to happen. But you know I just really really hope that I will have passed on and be sitting at the right hand side of God among his many army on a white horse with my Angel wings and descend upon earth to take back with us into heaven all of those uniquely people.

So what makes you a "uniquely you"? I like to think I have many different qualities that make me unique. So why not allow everyone on earth be unique. Why do people seem to think that we all must be the same? We are all allowed our own way to think, our own way to treat. etc. But does that mean we all must "make" people be just like us? (I would never wish anyone to be just like me. I am no where near perfect and I would never ever wish upon anyone my chronic health issues).... All I ask is for people to understand.

People to understand that our world is different and unique.

So give yourself the ability to think uniquely.

Keep Smiling
Carla

Life: Vision of our lives...

Life: Vision of our lives...: "We all have some vision of ourselves and our future." We all feel a desire to leave a legacy. More than any other factor, visi...

Vision of our lives...

"We all have some vision of ourselves and our future."


We all feel a desire to leave a legacy. More than any other factor, vision affects the choices we make and the way we spend our time.

So have you ever decided what kind of legacy you want to leave behind you? Have you figured out what will be on your tombstone when you die? I know I have...

We all come into this world with a clean slate and we can make the most of our lives from the very beginning. We don't really ever get a clean slate again, we may get a chance to wipe off a few items as we go along, but that clean slate can become long depending on what we do or don't achieve. But then once we pass on and go to our heavenly father this slate is something that can be wiped clean once again as long as we have hit our knees in prayer many times and asked God for true forgiveness and been baptized in his faith.

So what all do you want on your slate?

As I sit and reflect on life (and I have done so many times), I have had a very rough life from the beginning that my slate was created when I was born. I really wish I could start over with this clean slate and some people say we can when we become a born again christian and that our slate's become clean each time we ask for true forgivness. And yes, God can do that, but as human's we still kick ourselves over and over again. We may forgive but we never forget.

Even when you lay your head down to sleep and you close your eyes, even the glimmers of hope dance around in your eyes and you see yourself in a whole different light. Even when you listen to music and you find yourself dancing to a song that brings back memories. These memories can be good, bad, ugly, sweet, kind, etc. But these are all because of our memories that we never forget.

So your slate has these memories written on it. But even though we ask for true forgivness and God wipes our slates away it doesn't mean we have erased them from our own slates. Because we never forget.

I know there have been so many times I have felt like God gives some people, more like myself, many and many and many more trials and tribulations to prove to him my true love simply because of the punishments for my life's choices. But as a wise friend told me God does not punish. But then why do we have to jump through all of these trials and tribulations like we do.

So I think maybe we should stop and take a look at out slate and follow our hearts and maybe just maybe take a look at our compass and follow our GUT instincts. (which I have not done so many times in my past)... Our gut instincts is our head telling us what we should really do but we let our hearts lead us down a path that isn't necessarily a good choice. So then this choice is added to our slate.

We all need to make our own personal statement as to what we want our lives and vision of our lives to be. It doesn't matter what age you are as to your vision. You and only you can make these choices.
Because following your visions and let your compass lead you, you will truly never be alone.

What is your visions?

Keep Smiling
Carla

Life: Fires burn slowly...

Life: Fires burn slowly...: " Now Autumn's fire burns slowly along the woods and day by day the dead leaves fall and melt. " As Maxine once stated &qu...

Fires burn slowly...

"Now Autumn's fire burns slowly along the woods and day by day the dead leaves fall and melt."


As Maxine once stated "Fall is here. Things dry up and fall off and I try not to see the coincidence."

Boy can I relate to that, I think things on me are drying up and falling off or at least heading south, and I would certainly love for the rest of me to head south also. But....

So why is it that birds, geese, and other animals head south, because they realize winter sucks the life out of you. Or maybe not so literaly, but let me just say "I HATE WINTER"...now I am ok if I could just sit at home, drink hot coffee with a good book and a blanket and watch the snow fall it is pretty. It is not so pretty when I have to leave the comfort of my warm home and attempt to venture out into it and go to work. Then it sux... (Of course I took a horrific fall back in 2008 and broke 3 ribs, cracked my pelvic bone, bruised my right butt cheek, and gave myself a concusion that I didn't wake up from until the next day)... so I am let just say not a fan of winter.

But absolutely love fall. I love the leaves turning colors and then falling from the trees. I love to watch the squirrels gather all of their nuts, seeds, etc. (My husband and I feed them and the birds)... so we love to watch them. My dog, Maggie Mae, just loves to run after the squirrels and they will run up the trees and chatter at her.

But fall is an amazing way of God, giving Earth a way of cleansing. Each season cleanses the earth and allows nature to be reborn after a blanket of snow covers and protects the precious ground. But most of us don't look at it all this way.

But I just never seem to allow God cleanse me. Have you given yourself time to be cleansed? I am not talking about a shower, or cleansing your palate. But have you really sat down and looked at your own life and decided it was time to clean up some stuff. (people, things, social media, books, music, etc). I have done so in the past and yet I let it all pile back up. So we should all take advantage of the seasons in our lives. Let the leaves fall outside from the trees but also allow fall to take place in our own lives. I sit (except its been cold) in the morning with my coffee while Maggie Mae runs around and smells and enjoys the outdoors and I watch the sunset. So this is just one little thing that I enjoy doing along with a great cup of coffee. But I have never let winter wash me clean or spring bring forth a new life in myself or summer to make me hot and sweaty so I can shower in the rain (or shower) to cleanse my body for the next day.

As I have always told my kids, people come into our lives for a reason & a season. So we all must learn from these people and take to heart what experiences you gain and move on in your life knowing the full experience has helped shape who you are.

So I think I have hardened like the leaves on the tree and I am drying up and falling. I am falling down into a pile that I just don't like. I keep looking at the glass as "half empty" but as a wise lady stated the glass can always be "re-filled". So I need to keep pushing forward on looking at the glass and hoping that is gets re-filled sooner than later.

So as the leaves fall and the season's change. Take heart and know you to can change and change with the seasons. (at least until I move South for ever in the warmth)... So we all must strive to not let our chronic illnesses define who we are. There are others out there that are worse than we are and yes our struggles are great and can make it hard for us to make it thru each day, but hey if you can go to bed at night and get up each morning, then it is a clean slate to re-write your next day. I have to just keep looking at life that way.

So are you gonna just let the leaves fall down and sweep them away? Or are you going to make a pile and be like a kid and jump into them? I think I will go leaf surfing... with my Maggie Mae of course

Keep Smiling
Carla
 

Life: Losses...

Life: Losses...: "Some losses never heal you just learn to carry the burden and shed a tear every now and then!!! I am most certainly feeling this h...

Losses...

"Some losses never heal you just learn to carry the burden and shed a tear every now and then!!!



I am most certainly feeling this heavy burden of loss today.

I just feel like my life is spiraling down a path that I had never ever felt I would go this way. Life certainly throws many punches our way. And sometimes we just can't seem to move fast enough to miss these punches.

I know God has blessed me many times over and over again. I have the 3 best kiddos on earth and the 5 best step kids, a wonderful husband and grandson. My life would not be complete without them in my life. But I hate where my life is at right now. My chronic health issues has me on a downward spiral and because of this people just don't even understand the pain. I always look at life usually as the glass is half full, but sometimes when we get pushed down multiple times that glass starts to look as half empty. I am there right now, my glass is half empty.

So why? Am I being punished for all of the bad things I have done and continue to do in life? Does God always have to give us so many trials and tribulations to prove our love for him?

So how do we dig ourselves out of the bottom of all of these losses and pick ourselves up and move on? That is a good question that I just don't have the answer to. I was always a strong person and I could always handle everything that was pretty much thrown at me, but now I am NOT that strong tower person. I am strong on the outside but on the inside I am crying over all of these losses.

So I guess the only way to get happy again is look at life differently. I guess it could be worse. But somehow I just don't know how it could be worse. I already have multiple Chronic Illnesses that God has chosen me to take on and live with. How do we live onward with these illnesses and yet thrive, learn, live and love?

I lost the house that I had bought for my 3 kiddos and I after we went thru a very dramatic divorce from their father. We lived in a tiny apartment for 6 months and my ex-husband and I sold the house that we had bought for our family when I was pregnant with our twins. And we totally redid the house and it was our home, however, he reached his midlife crisis and instead of buying a convertable he chose to have an affair and therefore after 2 years of agonizing pain I had to walk away with our 3 kids and start over. I was able to purchase a new home for the kids and I and it was my stable place for my kids. We had the most fun in this house. We laughed, we stayed up all night, we had friends over, we had way word friends spend nights, my home was an open home to whom ever needed a warm blanket, a warm loving hug from a Mother, a place to give everyone comfort. Then I was forced by my job to leave my home move clear across the state and start over without my kids. I lived alone for 6 years in an apartment until I met my new husband. During this time of being gone I lost my Daddy to cancer, I lost my Mom to bad health and she just simply mourned herself to death. I lost my good health and I have became extremely chronically ill with no return to good health in sight. But you know what I will never ever wear pajama pants and slippers to Wal-mart. I have dignity. I still (somehow) get up every day and go to work. I still thank God that I have my job. And I still thank God for my kids, my husband and my life now (even tho I hate it)...

So now what do I do? How do I put this loss behind me and move onward? The tears will always be there when I go home to visit my children and my parents grave. I cry driving to Quincy and I cry driving back to Champaign.

Yet each time I find myself leaning over the golden throne vomiting I cry, I shake, I hate it and yet somehow I breath deep and pull myself together because that's what everyone else wants me to do.

But what if it's not what I want to do? I am so very very exhausted to the point that no one understands unless you are right there with me. And until you walk in "my shoes" you have no right to judge me, or even understand my pain. All you can do is empathize.

So I guess since God wanted me to live on June 2nd when I survived my attempted suicide, I am supposed to pull myself together and live onward. Even tho it is not an easy task.

I have a little neighbor girl, who is so adorable, she is about 11, has very long black hair and walks with me every night as I take my dog Maggie out for her walk. This little girl just talks and talks and talks. I know she is looking for someone to help guide her. I feel her love and yet I feel her sadness at so many different levels. But yet, she has the most promising future if she is guided in the best possible way. She has been asking me about everything there is to do to take care of a bunny. Her parents told her on her birthday in April she could get a bunny. So we have talked about it a lot. I told her that having a pet is a big responsibility and that once you get a pet that they rely on you to keep them feed, watered, safe and loved. And I know that is what as a parent we do. So I know God brought this little girl into my life to help mentor her and show her God's love thru me.

I guess where there is loss, there is also love. Love for the past and pain from the past. But then as the old saying goes "it is better to love than to never have loved"...

Keep Smiling
Carla

Life: Introvert versus extrovert...

Life: Introvert versus extrovert...: "I stay to myself most of the time now!!!" I know that I have recently figured out, from talking with my counselor, that anymor...

Introvert versus extrovert...

"I stay to myself most of the time now!!!"


I know that I have recently figured out, from talking with my counselor, that anymore I stay to myself most of the time. I have always been a major people person and I am still not shy, but because of my past and all of my major health issues I have become very "introverted". This really does bother me tho. So I think that is why I have started up my blog once again, so I can express myself in many different ways.

I am a very diverse lady. I have many talents. I face many challenges daily. I look at life differently than others. I have a very strong faith. I am not afraid to talk to strangers. I am able to speak in a public type forum. And I personally really don't care what others think about me. But yet I have found myself becoming way more to myself and way more introverted. I don't know why but I am.

And not that "staying to yourself most of the time" or being "introverted" is a bad thing. It just means life have evolved around you to the point that you change. Change is a great thing. If we don't allow ourselves to change then we will all struggle ever day even harder than normal. Diversity and change are a positive thing in our own lives.

How do you perceive yourself in life as you sit now? Are you and extrovert or an introvert? Are you willing to change and go with the flow of life? Or are you a person who rebels against change? It doesn't matter who, what or where you are in life? This is simply your choice and your choice alone. No one should ever judge you for your own beliefs, your own ideas, your own views, etc because we are not the ones to make the judgements. Our day of final judgment is when we pass and leave this world.

So what would you like your legacy to be?

So I guess being a deep thinker, or an introvert means we are giving our minds a major work out. Since our bodies can't do it anymore, if you are chronically ill, like me. Our bodies seem to keep wearing out a little every day, so my mind is on overdrive. Sort of...lol

Do introverts and extroverts mix? I like to think so, my mom was an introvert, my dad was an extrovert. They just learned how to manuever life with each being a different person with their own diversity. So I guess that is what I am learning to do is accept my new "normal" what ever it may be (although normal is a setting on my dryer). I certainly hate my health issues, but I guess there is nothing I can do now other than to learn to accept it all.

So I guess all of us introverts who are deep thinkers need to stick together. Because this introvert does do some major over thinking anymore. And I look at life differently anymore. And yep as I always say "we are not going to get out of here alive" so lets use up all we have so when we pass on their is nothing left physically & mentally. I am signed up to be a organ and cadaver donor, but I am not sure what will be left for them to donate. (I kind of plan on using up every bit of me I have)... so then I guess what ever is left and they can't donate it then I can become a science project. Boy will they get a kick out of my "jacked up insides"....lol...and yep I have had 3 different doctors tell me my insides are completely "jacked up"... Good, that means I am "not normal" and boy my husband and kids would agree to that.

So let's just not place labels on anyone and learn to accept whatever the new normal is in this world, because we are not all going to get out of here alive.

Keep Smiling
Carla

Life: Just don't give up...

Life: Just don't give up...: "Never give up on something you really want. It's difficult to wait, but worse to regret!!!" I know I have been told to pl...

Just don't give up...

"Never give up on something you really want. It's difficult to wait, but worse to regret!!!"



I know I have been told to please "just don't give up"... especially since I have already attempted to give up back on June 2nd and wishing to just simply die and go to heaven or meet the devil. Because with my health I already feel like I am living in he*$ now.

But as I sit here an think about things sometimes we just simply see how our own lives go and it really affects our mental thoughts and our outward feelings. But you know there truly are others out there that are actually Yep, worse than us.

I have a sister in christ who struggled with multiple surgeries for years with blood clots in her legs and unfortunately she lost her battle and they had to amputate her leg this past week. It just simply breaks my heart and I have cried some tears over her situation. She has a very strong faith and I know God will carry her through even with all she will be facing. All I pray for is that she will no longer be in immense pain.

A co-worker of mine lost his 2 year old granddaughter this past week to a rare brain cancer. She fought like a little trouper for about year and went thru all the unspeakable cancer treatments and her parents were strong as rocks during everything. I just can not fathom loosing a child before I pass away and now these young parents have lost their first born baby girl to cancer. My heart breaks for them and I even cried several tears for them also.

Let's just say I love "unconditionally" and it can be a plague sometimes.

My husband had a much needed surgery this past week on his neck and thankfully the surgeon was able to repair his vertebrae in his neck and once he gets through the recovery process it should alleviate some of his pain and should be able to return back to work. I sat and cried after the surgeon talked to me and told me. This was great news.

So as I am hunched over the throne vomiting everything I have in my stomach from the last several days, I cry, my nose runs, I get shaky, I sweat and I just sometimes simply pray that I could just throw up my stomach (I so wish it was possible). And I ask God "why me?" and I think all of us ask this question to God sometimes, especially if you are dealing with any kind of a chronic illness.

All I can say is that we need to stop, think and realize: yes life sucks for us chronically ill people but at least we are alive. Even if our existence sucks. We are here to enjoy what parts of life we are given by God. I have been given many talents. I can sing (until my esophagus errodes), I can draw, I can play instruments, I love unconditionally, I give anytime I can, I enjoy all the little things in life that God gives us, I love to spoil others (esp. my husband, kids and pets), I love God and I have a strong faith. But most of all I am still here on this earth because God must not have wanted me yet, for some reason I have yet to figure out.

I guess we all need to just not give up. There is a cure out there, there is new help for our illnesses, there are specialist we can see eventually to help make our lives somewhat easier. There is simply our own minds to help us determine how we see life. Trust me this is very hard, even for me. I struggle so much daily with my Bipolar and Menopause. I have been extremely irritated. I HATE being irritated. I have decided that I have been through enough in my 48 years (29 surgeries, 3 wonderful kids, horrible pregnancies, premature babies, a divorce, loss of my home and all of my belongings, starting over, hitting rock bottom several times and then finding out there was a basement under that rock bottom, a new husband - which is great; new wonderful step kids; and of course my multiple health issues that have now made me chronically ill and disabled).... But I still get up everyday, even as hard as it is, and I go to work, and I some how simply survive and I take this survival on a daily basis. So as a suicide survivor I have decided to not give up.

So has a survivor I look at things daily and appreciate everything God has brought into my life. I may seem and be negative at times, and look at the glass as half empty instead of half full. Does that make me a bad person, NOPE. Because we all can't have good days, but on those days when we aren't good we need to not give up. We need to strive to get through these rough days and pray for a better day tomorrow.

So as you sit there and ponder "can I keep doing this?" and you question life and all that is has handed you or given you, just this simple phrase can get you through if you allow it to "JUST DON'T GIVE UP" because tomorrow can possibly bring you something bigger and better. And if tomorrow doesn't bring you anything bigger and better just keep hanging on and keep fighting towards the next day and then the next day and maybe just maybe it will "get better"...

Keep Smiling
Carla

Life: Miracles...

Life: Miracles...: “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” I don...

Miracles...

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”


I don't know about you but I really wish God would place a miracle in my life that would heal all of my chronic illnesses. But I also know that God gave me all of these chronic illnesses so that I can look at life and everything within this life as a miracle. (so it's a double edged sword)

I have learned from being extremely sick to look at life as though God has granted me another day to be open to any kind of new experiences. Such as the morning sunrise, the butterflies that flutter around me, my dog and her unconditional love, even the locusts who are singing a deafening song right now in the evenings when I take my dog for a walk. Life is full of so many different miracles and they may be small but they are there. You just need to open yourself up to seeing these miracles all around us daily.

How do you look at life? Do you look for the little miracles that God grants us? I know there are day's when we all hang our heads low because we are sick either mentally, physically or emotionally. I have had so many of these days. And I have some pressing health issues coming up with my husband and myself and it is so hard to stop and look at these little miracles. But you know what, God has given me a big miracle in bringing my new husband into my life 2 years ago. He granted me the miracle of being a mother to 3 wonderful kids. And so forth. So I guess there are two ways to live life. We can choose to look for these little miracles or we can choose to just hang our heads and go throughout life hating everything and everyone. But I really think that is a miserable way to live.

I will be having a permanent Jejostomy tube placed sometime within the next week or so. Trust me I have a love/hate relationship with these tubes and I really don't want to have another one, but my life without it is somewhat miserable so having it will help me to feel better. So I guess I can look at it as a miracle from God for me to continue to live on this earth and be here for my husband, kids and family.

I just got 2 new tattoos to represent the passing of my parents, and then to represent my fight with Gastroparesis, and to mark my 3 month anniversary of surviving an attempted suicide. The guy who did my ink was wonderful and they turned out great. This is a miracle/gift from God. I get to display the fact that life can have it's up and downs but we can survive if we choose survival.

I can barely remember much about my attempted suicide, but the one memory that keeps coming back into my mind is my husband, Jeff, screaming my name at me to try to get me to wake up. I hear it in my head now constantly him saying my name and you know I find it comforting to know that he came home early (a miracle from God) from work and he was able to get the ambulance there to save me. The hospital doctor told him if he had been even 30 minutes late I would have been dead. WOW a true miracle from God.

So question is?? What is you WOW in your life? And do you look for all the tiny miracles?

Keep Smiling
Carla

Life: No escape...

Life: No escape...: "There is no escape from the prison of the mind!!!" I really don't know if I can relate to this quote. But let me tell you...

No escape...

"There is no escape from the prison of the mind!!!"



I really don't know if I can relate to this quote. But let me tell you this much, with being Bipolar, menopausal and multiple other health issues I do believe that my mind controls all parts of my body and health. Therefore I know that I need to work better towards making my mind more open to many different things in my life and just letting things go as they happen, and whatever happens just simply does.

I do think that a lot of people can relate to this quote a lot. My son has battled Bipolar and Schizophrenia for years and he has told me so many different times that his mind is like a prison to him. With the schizophrenia he has voices inside of his mind and they can be either nice or mean. This can lead a person to some real mania at times. I've been with him thru almost all of his horrible episodes and it is scary and troubling. But he is the most loving, kind and gentle spirit you'd ever want to know.

With my chronic illnesses, my mind can really make me feel like I am living in a prison of sheer madness. Your mind can help control different facets of your body to a degree. However there are so many times that my body just simply does what the body wishes to do. So I work hard every single day of my life to live as full of a life as I can, simply because we never know what the next day is going to bring.

I have been in the throws of a horrible flare up for the last 3 weeks with my Gastroparesis and when this happens it affects my Bipolar and makes me become extremely emotional, upset, and just simply exhausted. I have slept almost as much as I can when I am not at work. This makes it hard on my husband because it makes our marriage suffer. But yet we married knowing and going into our marriage that I was chronically ill and now he has been going thru a rough time with a auto accident that has left him with some residual physical effects.

So how do we unlock this prison in our minds so we can all lead productive lives? I wish I really knew that answer. And to be honest I don't think anyone really knows this answer. Of course there are so many different people out there that claims they have the magic cure to weight loss, physical well being, exercise, sleep (insomnia) cure, chiropractic cures, and so on and so on... But do they all really know what the magic cure is? Most likely not...

We are all very different and very unique individuals. We are not all robots and have the same bodies where all of these great fixes out there are going to make us better instantly. Nothing is instant in this world. The only instant thing we have is ourselves. We ourselves where born into this world and taught that life is just that, life.

So we all must hold on and try to escape the prison of our minds, so that we can lead a normal (or I supposed normal is just a setting on the dryer), so there is no normal, but there is a life to be lead by each and every one of us. And our lives are our own stories. So what is your story? What does your life represent? How do you want your tombstone to read once you pass on? I for one don't really want a tombstone but I supposed my children/family will place one for me and I am not really sure what it will say? I just hope my children will be nice.

So yes, there is really no escape from the prison of our mind. And we can not look to others to fix our minds. Only we can do that. So the next time you see that advertisement for the best cure to loose weight, or to help fix your aching bones, etc...stop and think do all of these things really work and are they really going to fix me or just take my money?

I have recently stopped reposting, liking, sharing everything on facebook that says if you don't you will have bad luck for the rest of your life, or this person will die, or you will get a million dollars if you do. These are all tricks to your mind and people seem to fall for every thing they read on social media. And if we all believed everything we read on social media, I would already be a millionaire, I would have a flat tummy, I would be living in my dream cottage on a remote island somewhere and all of the worlds health problems would be gone. (This would all be nice - for sure) but I don't have the magic cure and neither does social media. But social media is a great resource to meet, and find old friends and family. I love social media for those purposes. But social media has not cured the prison of my mind, or my body and I am still suffering from all of my chronic illnesses.

I guess what I am trying to say is that our minds are a wonderful & powerful part of our own well being. And I strive everyday to channel a good mindset so I can function every single day of my life. I continue to work every day even tho I am dealing with some horrific chronic illnesses and I use my mind set to be able to continue to do so until my body just simply poops out. So I don't think we will every escape the prison of our minds, all we can do is channel our minds to become loving, caring, beautiful, dependable, God thriving and so on individuals.

Keep Smiling
Carla

P.S. I do love to watch people I know and their kids grow up on social media. Its the best method to really be involved with people who live away from you. So I am not bashing social media at all.

Life: Yesterday, today & tomorrow....

Life: Yesterday, today & tomorrow....: "Learn from yesterday; Live for today; Hope for tomorrow!" I don't about you but I certainly have learned a lot of hard kno...

Life: Yesterday, today & tomorrow....

Life: Yesterday, today & tomorrow....: "Learn from yesterday; Live for today; Hope for tomorrow!" I don't about you but I certainly have learned a lot of hard kno...

Yesterday, today & tomorrow....

"Learn from yesterday; Live for today; Hope for tomorrow!"


I don't about you but I certainly have learned a lot of hard knock lessons not only from yesterday but from my past in general. And I can pretty much assume everyone has some kind of a past and this has brought us in to today and giving us hope for tomorrow.

I'd like to see my today and my hope for tomorrow is to be pain & nausea free. These chronic illnesses that I have are robbing me of my own life and my families lives. So all we can do is take everything one step at a time.

But what is it that you learned from yesterday that is making you live for today and giving you hope for tomorrow? This is a tough question, I know you are sitting there thinking back to all of what happened yesterday and your pondering "did I learn anything from yesterday?"

I know I did, I always seem to be learning something new every day. I choose to look at life differently from others now that I am chronically ill and have experienced many loses. Which all of these life's challenges is giving me a clear picture of today and hope towards tomorrow.

My life has never ever been easy. I wish I could just simpy say I was born, I grew up a great happy kid in the "Cleaver" family and then I married my dream man we had 3 wonderful kids (yep I do have 3 wonderful kids) but horrible pregnancies, then troublesome teens, a transgender son now, a divorce, yes I was once a mistress (trust me I have begged God for my wrong doing), life alone an moving across the state from my children my ailing parents and harboring so much guilt.

Who I am today comes from what I expereinced from my past and even yesterday. All I can do is look towards the future and have hope. Hope that God will show me his plans for me, or that God will give me only what I can handle. (He must think I am a strong woman because God has given me way more trials and tribulations that most people)... So yep, I am a strong woman.

But never underestimate a strong woman. Sometimes on the inside they are screaming and crying wanting to be let out, but the on the outside they walk proud and strong.

So learn from yesterday, live for today, and hope for tomorrow...

Keep Smiling
Carla

Life: True forgiveness...

Life: True forgiveness...: "True forgiveness is when you can say, "Thank you for that experience." I don't know about any of you, but achieving t...

True forgiveness...

"True forgiveness is when you can say, "Thank you for that experience."


I don't know about any of you, but achieving true forgiveness is amazing.

Many people come into our lives for a reason and/or a season. These people are meant to help us along our path in this world. Sometimes these people helps us and sometimes they are detrimental to us. But either way they helps us experience many different things in our lives.

I have had several different people come into my life at different times. Three close friends helped me through one of my worst times (my divorce) and without these three friends I don't know where or how I would have made it through. Being that I was a single mother of 3 teenagers. Let me tell you life was extremely hard for me during those years.

We all make choices and sometimes they are good choices and other times they are not. I made a choice back in 2011 to hopefully make myself healthier so I could be around longer for my kids, unfortunately my body decided it didn't like the fact that I had Gastric Bypass and rejected it. And after loosing 160 lbs and being totally sick I had it reversed praying for a better outcome. But however God must have decided he needed me sick for a purpose. A purpose I have not yet figured out. But you know my surgeon who did my gastric bypass surgery one day hugged me in his office and sat there and truly asked me to forgive him because he knew how much this had made my life worse and harder. That was a major experience.

And as I am sure, everyone has stories that has brought true forgiveness into their lives and because of these situations we can all be thank full for those experiences.

I think we all talk about "if we could go back and have a re-do" that we would make so many different choices with our lives. But would you? I know I would really miss the fact of not having my 3 kids if I went back and made different choices. Because my 3 kids are my life and always will be.

So how is true forgiveness a chance for you to say "thanks for the experience"?

I had one specific person in my life and he truly was in my life for a reason. Without him I would not be sitting here today writing this blog. I had hit rock bottom so many different times during the last 6 years of my life and he carried me through almost all of those until he could hand me off to my new husband. And for that I thank him for the experience of really knowing what a true friendship meant.

I attempted to take my life back on June 2nd, and I can now remember my husband screaming my name trying to get me awake. I can barely remember this memory. But it is a memory that will stick in my mind forever.

And now I have to back peddle and work everyday on asking for his forgiveness for what I did. Because I really hurt the people I loved. But you know what "even the strongest people you know in your life - is crying inside and struggles daily with many different demons" but that is exactly why and how they are so strong. Because we work hard to keep these demons from consuming our lives.

So I ask you, have you ever given someone true forgiveness? And if you have did that bring about the thoughts of Thanking them for the experience?

I don't know about you, but I forgive many people, for they do not always know what they do and how they hurt others. So I have chosen to forgive and learn from any of these experiences.
Simply because life is short and "We are not going to get out of here alive!!!"

Keep Smiling
Carla

Elevator out of order...

“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs . . . one step at a time.” 



I don't know about any of you, but my elevator has been out of order for years...

Of course there are many people whom their elevators have never and will never get to the top. So I guess we all must take the stairs!!

Taking it one step at a time is the best way to handle any kind of trials and tribulations we are handed.
I do live my life one step at a time. Especially when you are chronically ill. So actually sometimes I take it moment by moment.

Each and every day of my life has always brought me challenges of some kind; as it also does for everyone. So why do we have to face these challenges? Why do we have to be tested so much? Since I am a person of faith I truly believe it is God challenging me to show him that I give my all to God. And for those who don't have that strong faith. But whether you are a person of faith or not these tests we endure are what helps us to accept and feel blessed for all the good things we have in our lives.

So what are the good things/blessings you enjoy in your life?

My blessings are just way to many to count and put out here on this blog. But trust me I truly cherish every blessing I have been given. Of course we all cherish these blessings, but what and how do we handle each day when we are facing some crippling facts (such as chronic illnesses), death, loss of someone you love deeply, loosing your precious pet, etc etc???

I don't know about you but I mourn a lot over many things I have lost in my life. But yet I do know they were in my life for a reason or a season.

So the elevator is "out of order" and you must take each step. These steps can be harmful or joyful. But you will never know until you take the first step to either recovery, love, self esteem, health, family/friends issues etc etc.

Simply put "life is to short" and we are "not getting out of here alive" so take that first step and see how these steps help your life to become fulfilled.

I don't know about you, but I plan to and continue to take one step at a time. (Hey I even took a step and went to Wal-mart - even tho I hate that place). I like to look at each step I take and manage somehow to utilize these steps towards my bucket list.

Everyday we must move on with a few steps further.  Because if we don't we will actually take multiple steps backwards and that is not always a good thing. So don't let those inner demons talk you into something you may not be the best and just keep taking those steps further ahead of you.

So sorry that the elevator is "out of order"!!! (now we have to carry our sorry poor aching bodies up those steps one at a time) and guess what "We can do it!!!"

Keep Smiling
Carla

Life: Music - universal language...

Life: Music - universal language...: "Music is the universal language, because it is the language of the universe."                 I don't know about you, but...

Music - universal language...

"Music is the universal language, because it is the language of the universe."               


I don't know about you, but I truly believe music can heal your soul!!!

Music can calm you, smooth you, reach your soul, make you smile, make you want to dance, make you laugh, make you cry, and can be really good for your soul.

I am extremely musical. I am a vocalist, I can play piano and I am a very artistic. So music is most certainly a language for me. It helps me to explain how I feel or what I need at the moment. Especially since I am Bipolar and menopausal. I have a lot of days that are not the best mentally and then my chronic illnesses make me very physically sick. So I have a lot of demons to deal with daily.
I know I am not the easiest person to live with, I'm sure my wonderful husband can attest to that.

So you know what I do, I listen to music almost 80% of my day and depending on my mood and how I feel it helps me get thru.

I know music is a universal language because it can open up so many doors for so many people. My kids when they were little (all grown up now) had trouble learning things so I would try to put memory tests to music and teach them this method. It always worked. All 3 of my kids got my musical abilities and I know my son uses his music to touch his soul and others.

We should never be afraid to express our feelings (of course there are times and places)...but our feelings is who we are. When we rock out we are happy/spunky; when we slow dance we are melancholy; when we do alternative we are looking for a difference. So music is truly a universal language.

What music have you found yourself listening to when you are at your lowest point in your life? Or what kind of music do you find yourself expressing and singing the loudest to in the shower or car?
My Friday's are always "Shinedown" days at work or at home on Pandora. I love to rock out to some Shinedown. But Monday's always seem to be my "Ellie Goulding" days. So it truly is an art form to help one's feelings.

I have been struggling really bad with my Bipolar and Menopause. This has been making me extremely emotional and it seems all I want to do it cry. So music can help me by cheering me up and helping me to be a better person like I always had been.

Its really hard to listen to music when you are vomiting from GP. So I sing a lot to myself. Humming is a good medicine.

When you hear a person walk past you and they are whistling or humming to themselves you can usually tell what kind of mood they are in. Singing in the shower is another art form in itself. How many of you have used the shampoo bottle as a microphone and have developed a singing voice (whether it is in tune or not)? My kids used to sing loudly in the shower, so I always knew what kind of mood they were in.

So making music a universal language is a small statement with big advantages to one's physical and mental health.

Sing along... Sing along...

Keep Smiling

Carla

Life: Self-doubt...

Life: Self-doubt...: "Fuck this self-doubt bullshit..." (sorry if this quote offends anyone - but it soooo hits home with me at this time) I know...

Self-doubt...

"Fuck this self-doubt bullshit..."


(sorry if this quote offends anyone - but it soooo hits home with me at this time)


I know all of us chronically ill peeps have a lot of self-doubt. Heck any normal healthy individual has self-doubt. We are brought up in a society that shows us that we are all less than perfect. Less than perfect when it comes to our finances, health, looks, memories, etc etc.

But what if this was not the case? Why should we doubt ourselves when we are all unique in our own finances, looks, health, work etc. What if we were all exactly alike? Kind of like robots roaming around the world. Now that would get boring. (or at least I kind of think so)... Although I would give anything for a robot to do my cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. so I can enjoy life a little bit more.

I have recently had my feeding tube removed due to multiple infections. I have had it out now for like 2 months. I have had a lot of ups and downs since I have had it removed. Then after my overdose on June 2nd, and reality kicked in and I have now been diagnosed with Bipolar and I am menopausal, this has brought on a lot of anxiety and self-doubt in my mind. I am trying to eat by mouth, with some success, and I am trying to work thru being sick and so I am screaming self-doubt at the top of my lungs. Some days my Bipolar and menopause just simply drags me down. But then there are other days I am high. I know I have been this way for years, just never really diagnosed with it. Now I know where my son gets it all from (except my Mom was bipolar)... and well he doesn't have menopause but he is Bipolar. So this roller coaster ride really does suck

I decided after a lot of soul searching and truly and sincerely apologizing to my children and husband,
that I must start more self care. So I have been attending Planet Fitness (almost daily) after work, and I know I am not the youngest, healthiest, skinniest, prettiest at PF, but that is just it. I really don't care. As long as I know that my husband, children, family, friends and whomever wishes to, Love me, then that's all that matters.

I truly think that self-doubt kicks in and fucks us all up when we stop and let society dictate how, when, where and why we live. Why should we let others dictate how we live our own lives? Ya I know for some of us, we must work to earn money, and we must comply with employers, and others. But I am talking about the self-doubt talk we all do to ourselves daily about not feeling like we are good enough. Well I say fuck it!!!!!

We are all GOOD enough. So I may not be skinny (like I was a year ago) and let me tell you after years of being heavy set, and then doing my bypass surgery and getting way down to the weight that I liked but with soooo many health issues I had to have it reversed a year ago and now due to the Gastroparesis and menopause I can not loose weight. I have put back on approx. 70lbs and let me tell you "I HATE IT"... I think because I had always been fat and picked on growing up and so forth being skinny made me feel better about myself. Now don't get me wrong, being heavy set is NOT the end of the world, but for me it kind of has been my end of the my world. Until I sat back and like I said did some soul searching and decided that I am who I am.

My moto had always been "If people don't like me that's ok, because they are truly missing out on a great person, and I still sleep at night"!!!

I don't care what other people think about me. All I care about is my husband, kids, family, and personal friends think about me. They don't necessarily put you down as much as help you. It's all in how you perceive it. And if your family, friends etc do put you down then maybe you need to evaluate if they should remain in your life.

So I have been trying really hard to be healthy (trust me exercising does help the GI digestive track work somewhat better)... and it has helped me feel better about myself when I go exercise and tan. I have always been a exercise nut, just not the skinny, athletic, muscle type lady. But never the less I do feel better after I exercise daily.

So why do you let your own self-doubt stop you from liking/loving yourself?

Stop and really do some soul searching and decide if you are going to simply say "fuck it" or if you are going to continue on with the self-doubt. You my friend are worth everything to this world and don't ever let anyone tell you other wise. Because we all have a life to live. Such as our pets, kids, friends, family, significant others. Yep even giving rats a bath. Or simply giving yourself a rats ass.

Keep Smiling

Carla

Life: Fear...

Life: Fear...: "Fear is the first and last obstacle on your path to greatness!!!" I have never really given this quote a lot of thought. But a...

Fear...

"Fear is the first and last obstacle on your path to greatness!!!"


I have never really given this quote a lot of thought. But as I do it is so very true.

Of course it all boils down to what you feel is "your" greatness. My thoughts for myself to achieve my greatness would now be healthy. I am sure as we all live our lives and as we progress thru our own lives this fear of achieving our greatness would change and differ a lot.

So as you reflect on what exactly your fears are and how you can at first attack this fear and make it your last obstacle to move onto your greatness you need to decide what is it that you would like your greatness to be?

Like I said right at this point in my life my biggest fear is my health. I have mad some choices, some I thought would be good, and they turned out wrong simply because my own body didn't like the choices I made. So now I am chronically ill and the fear of these illnesses has pretty much crippled me mentally, physically, financially and emotionally. But why do we do this to ourselves?

Why do we let fear over take us? My mother was extremely afraid of "water" so much so she would never ever let herself get into the shower. She instilled this fear into my siblings and myself. I have over came this fear as a teenager (for the most part) and I made it most certain to NOT let this fear be my own children's and they all 3 swim like fish. So fears can be a first and last obstacle that we learn from our growing up, from society, from our inner selves, from just about anything. These fears can most certainly cripple a person to the point of never seeing the real true daylight. Daylight of greatness.

I had to work very hard on getting over my stage fright when I started singing at a young age. And today I am do not have stage fright, I can sing, speak, open up and just be in front of people of any kind at any time.

I know some people wish they could over come their fears. But the thing is "you can"...it's not easy and so it takes a lot of work. I never realized the fear that I had built up until recently when I went to my counselor and I have come to realize that I have built up a fear about my health. I am afraid to proceed on with my life simply because of my fear over being sick all the time. So now I need to somehow learn how to overcome this fear. I want to be able to participate in life again. And I guess I still do, I still go to work, I've started going to Planet Fitness, I got my feeding tube removed (temporarily tho), and I am trying to learn to "LOVE" myself again. Trust me this is not easy. I have been thru way much more than any human should be in my short 48 years of life. And not being afraid is a huge accomplishment. But I think I take comfort in knowing my Grandma was a strong faithful woman and I am a chip off of her.

So my strong will, my strong faith and my open personality has taught me to stop being afraid.

So today I am going to loose this fear I have with my health and I am going to become proactive in getting over it. What do I have to loose?

"Fear is the first and last obstacle on your path to greatness"...

What is your greatness?  And what is your fear that is stopping you?

Keep Smiling

Carla

"Once is enough..."

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough!!!!"


I know many of you are not all into reading about religion on here, so this is my disclaimer, I am going to bring up a few issues.

This quote is so extremely true. We all only live once, but what if we don't do it right? Who know's what the right way is?

It has been heard that even the healthiest person will die from a heart attack. Or the youngest person will get cancer. Or the middle aged person will get a bad GI illness. So we are all just human in a human physical form made by God. Some people are very fortunate and can live a long time and others aren't. But like I said only God know's. A lot of people like to say you are being punished for your illness because you didn't do something right in this life. But that is not the case.

I know that us chronically ill people live our lives daily trying to keep going. Some are luckier than other's. But I do believe it all boils down on our sheer determination and strong faith.

So is once enough? Only you know if your life if you do it the way you are supposed to that once is enough.

I know personally a bunch of very good people who are questioning things that all boils down on is it them or is it something else. I don't know the real answer. But God brings things into your life for a reason and a season. We are all different and unique in our own ways as we trudge thru this things called life. Some of us choose our ways of life that others may not agree with. But that's ok. WE are not the judge. WE will be judged when we reach Jesus in heaven and hopefully you will have hit your knees in prayer and asking for forgiveness of your sins during your life so that you may sit on the right hand side of God for eternity. If not well, we all know how that ends.

But if you only live once, and you do it right, once is enough!!! Who know's that real answer? No one. So many will say they do, but well they don't. Or at least I hope there is no bigger person dangling my body throughout this world. Because I don't like all that has happened to me during this life. But if you only live once, do it right your way, and once is enough. I have definitely done that and plan on doing way much more. I have just had to reinvent my way of looking at things and learning how to enjoy things differently because of my chronic illness.

I can give my thought's on this, but we all know that each of us has our own free will and we will all decide living this life once, if done the way we want, is enough.

I am just riding out this wave because we are NOT all going to get out of here alive.

Keep Smiling

Carla