Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Life: Being free...

Life: Being free...: "I only ask to be free; the butterflies are free." Have you ever given any thought about being free? Not the kind of free that ...

Being free...

"I only ask to be free; the butterflies are free."


Have you ever given any thought about being free? Not the kind of free that you are thinking about but being truly free from almost everything.

One of my biggest dreams is to be able to fly. Fly way above the ground into the skies (sort of like a bird or a butterfly) and just catch yourself in a crosswind and just soar. Soar about the trees, the flowers, houses, and just feel the breeze blow, feel the freedom of the winds with no true cares other than to be able to nest and eat. I have dreamt many different times about flying. Being way up into the clouds and feeling the mist on my face and knowing that earth is below me where all of the fighting, wars, migrations, hurt, pain, suffering, etc is down there and being able to soar above. (of course you can't be afraid of heights - and that I am not)...

But just being free would be so uplifting. I think we all feel like we want to be free of so many things that each of us face every single day, whether it is health issues, work issues, etc. But as we all know we can give our buckets full of problems to God to carry for us so that our shoulders are given a break but doing this is easier said than being done. But if we could just be a butterfly we would be beautiful and be able to fly. Fly and be free. Now I know that being a butterfly has a shortened life span, but that's ok with me. To just be able to enjoy the flight and to see many things that we can not see down here on earth.

Be free of our chronic illnesses, be free of our pain and suffering and just to be simply free.

What is your dreams or what is on your bucket list? I have many dreams and aspirations and some I most likely won't be able to accomplish, but I do know I have already accomplished many items on my bucket list and I am truly thankful for that. But we are always allowed to dream. This is one free willed items God has given us, our dreams.

So one of my many dreams is to fly and to be beautiful even if it is only for a short time.

Keep Smiling
Carla


Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Life: Roots of a tree...

Life: Roots of a tree...: "Without roots a tree no matter how tall, cannot stand!" How long do you think you can stand without your own roots? We may no...

Roots of a tree...

"Without roots a tree no matter how tall, cannot stand!"



How long do you think you can stand without your own roots? We may not be made with roots like a tree but we do have our own musculoskeletal system which allows us all to stand firm. But what if your skeletal system didn't even exist? Then I guess we would all be like jelly fish. We would swim in the sea and enjoy life in a different way.

Isn't that how we all are now? We all look and enjoy life in a different way with a different perspective. We "as humans" all look at people from the outside, where as the Lord looks at the heart.

Why do we all judge people from their outward appearance when our lives really count from who we are on the inside? From our own roots, our musculoskeletal system. Some of us have chronical illnesses that causes our own body systems to be incomplete, or how should we put it, short stack of the root system. Does this make us any less taller? Nope, we are all as tall as we feel we are.

I guess as the old saying goes "If a tree falls in the wood and no one is there, does it make a sound?"

So if we are all alone and we were to fall down do we make a sound? Most likely yes cause we would hear ourselves say "ouch" or even more descriptive words. I know as we get older the ground seems to be farther and farther away.

Did God make us with a skeletal system that keeps our human from in shape (what kind of shape) and some people like to state (round is a shape)... Yep, sounds good to me. So if we were to stand up or even sit up tall does that mean our roots are making us taller? I'd like to think so.

I have experienced the ability of cutting down trees for firewood. Have you ever counted the many rings on a tree trunk? This is stated as to indicate out old the tree was. I'd like to think that some trees have many rings because they bring character to the tree. Just think how much a tree endures, it is there to protect us from the sun, protect us from the rain, gives us green leaves, gives us autumn fall with beautiful colors that can bring about imagination that makes up gorgeous paintings. And I am sure trees are posts for Angels to sit among us and view our daily lives from. Or I like to think so.

So why is it that if the roots of a tree are sickly this brings about a sickly tree? The same as our human bodies, if our roots are sickly then we are sickly outwardly. But what if, we don't see the outward sickly form of a tree (or a person). What if this illness is deep inside our roots? Therefore our diseases are silent killers deep within our roots that no one from the outside can see. All they can do is believe. That is exactly the word "Believe". I have been told many different times "Well you don't look sick". As I am sure many people who have a inwardly chronical illness has heard. But yep, our roots are sick but you just cannot see that we are.

But I want to believe that if we can fix our roots then we can fix our bodies. But sometimes it just doesn't work that way. We cannot always fix our roots therefore our insides of our bodies cannot be fixed. We just have to endure the swaying of the winds, the fridged temperatures, the icy patches, the lightining, the rain and whatever else nature throws at our roots. It's just all in how we "stand tall" which gives us our ability to survive. To survive our silent illnesses.

My roots have chosen to be sickly and recently I had to have a feeding tube placed and therefore I now have an outward sign of my tree that shows that my roots are sickly. But you know once I am gone I wonder how many rings can be counted to show how many years I have lived. How many years I had endured the ravashing of life. Exactly that "believe" in "life" and believe that our roots help us to stand tall and to stand tall for what we believe in. No matter what it is that you truly believe in, no one can take that away from you. Your roots give you free will to think and believe. And all of our beliefs are different in some way.

So I say "stand tall" and let your roots stay planted until it is time for our tree to be cut down and then just then they can count your rings of life. I hope that my rings of life will show and expose many different sides of me. Because I chose to believe.

Keep Smiling
Carla



























Thursday, October 15, 2015

Life: Uniquely you...

Life: Uniquely you...: "Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else." As you all know we are all unique. How do you know? ...

Uniquely you...

"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."


As you all know we are all unique. How do you know? Well God (or if you don't believe) a greater being didn't make either one of us alike. Well except for identical twins. I have identical twins that are now 22 and for the most part they are exactly alike except for one is now a transgender, is Bipolar and his sister is none of those things.

So even though my son (born an identical twin) is different and is a transgender; does that mean I should turn my back on him? No, if you love unconditionally as a parent and you watch your identical twins born premature and all they have gone through then you should never ever turn your back on your child, family, friends, etc. Because until you actually walk in someone else's shoes you will never ever know what their unique story is.

I know I have written a lot about "why" and "why this" and "why that"? But I have came to realize we are all tested by God because we are unique and we are earning our stars and stripes into heaven. (At least I want to go to heaven)....We are not the true judge

My unique self has many different flaws, because I am human. Being a unique human is what makes this world revolve. We may not like many different things about this world, or a person or what ever floats your boat. But you know what, just think "if we were all just exactly alike wouldn't this world be boring"... I would love to have a clone to be me and deal with all of my chronic health issues so I could actually enjoy my life. But I have came to a realization after I sat with at my parents grave side with pretty flowers (as we wait for their gravestone to be set) and I talked, cried and listened. Yep listened to what they and God had to say to me. I suddenly had this eerie kind of calm flow over me and I felt this whisper from either God or my parents saying "You've got this"... for "I know the plans I have for you" and yep, even though we may not like these plans or maybe we are still sitting and waiting on these plans why do we have to conform?

There is so much in the news about racism, fighting, politics, etc. Sometimes listening to the news can be depressing. But I find that listening to the news helps me place into a perspective that my life is actually fairly normal. I may be chronically ill and have a feeding tube, Bipolar, COPD, and so forth but at least I have 3 wonderful kids, 5 great step kids, 3 sweet grandsons, a husband who is willing to put up with me throughout all of my issues. And so therefore I feel that I am blessed.

I certainly didn't feel this way back on June 2nd when I just wanted all of the pain to go away. And yet God must have felt I needed to continue to stay here on earth and do my part "be unique"...


Yep, I am awaiting the Zombie apocolypse, or reincarnation or fire and brim stone to happen. But you know I just really really hope that I will have passed on and be sitting at the right hand side of God among his many army on a white horse with my Angel wings and descend upon earth to take back with us into heaven all of those uniquely people.

So what makes you a "uniquely you"? I like to think I have many different qualities that make me unique. So why not allow everyone on earth be unique. Why do people seem to think that we all must be the same? We are all allowed our own way to think, our own way to treat. etc. But does that mean we all must "make" people be just like us? (I would never wish anyone to be just like me. I am no where near perfect and I would never ever wish upon anyone my chronic health issues).... All I ask is for people to understand.

People to understand that our world is different and unique.

So give yourself the ability to think uniquely.

Keep Smiling
Carla

































Thursday, October 8, 2015

Life: Vision of our lives...

Life: Vision of our lives...: "We all have some vision of ourselves and our future." We all feel a desire to leave a legacy. More than any other factor, visi...

Vision of our lives...

"We all have some vision of ourselves and our future."


We all feel a desire to leave a legacy. More than any other factor, vision affects the choices we make and the way we spend our time.

So have you ever decided what kind of legacy you want to leave behind you? Have you figured out what will be on your tombstone when you die? I know I have...

We all come into this world with a clean slate and we can make the most of our lives from the very beginning. We don't really ever get a clean slate again, we may get a chance to wipe off a few items as we go along, but that clean slate can become long depending on what we do or don't achieve. But then once we pass on and go to our heavenly father this slate is something that can be wiped clean once again as long as we have hit our knees in prayer many times and asked God for true forgiveness and been baptized in his faith.

So what all do you want on your slate?

As I sit and reflect on life (and I have done so many times), I have had a very rough life from the beginning that my slate was created when I was born. I really wish I could start over with this clean slate and some people say we can when we become a born again christian and that our slate's become clean each time we ask for true forgivness. And yes, God can do that, but as human's we still kick ourselves over and over again. We may forgive but we never forget.

Even when you lay your head down to sleep and you close your eyes, even the glimmers of hope dance around in your eyes and you see yourself in a whole different light. Even when you listen to music and you find yourself dancing to a song that brings back memories. These memories can be good, bad, ugly, sweet, kind, etc. But these are all because of our memories that we never forget.

So your slate has these memories written on it. But even though we ask for true forgivness and God wipes our slates away it doesn't mean we have erased them from our own slates. Because we never forget.

I know there have been so many times I have felt like God gives some people, more like myself, many and many and many more trials and tribulations to prove to him my true love simply because of the punishments for my life's choices. But as a wise friend told me God does not punish. But then why do we have to jump through all of these trials and tribulations like we do.

So I think maybe we should stop and take a look at out slate and follow our hearts and maybe just maybe take a look at our compass and follow our GUT instincts. (which I have not done so many times in my past)... Our gut instincts is our head telling us what we should really do but we let our hearts lead us down a path that isn't necessarily a good choice. So then this choice is added to our slate.

We all need to make our own personal statement as to what we want our lives and vision of our lives to be. It doesn't matter what age you are as to your vision. You and only you can make these choices.
Because following your visions and let your compass lead you, you will truly never be alone.

What is your visions?

Keep Smiling
Carla

Monday, October 5, 2015

Life: Fires burn slowly...

Life: Fires burn slowly...: " Now Autumn's fire burns slowly along the woods and day by day the dead leaves fall and melt. " As Maxine once stated &qu...

Fires burn slowly...

"Now Autumn's fire burns slowly along the woods and day by day the dead leaves fall and melt."


As Maxine once stated "Fall is here. Things dry up and fall off and I try not to see the coincidence."

Boy can I relate to that, I think things on me are drying up and falling off or at least heading south, and I would certainly love for the rest of me to head south also. But....

So why is it that birds, geese, and other animals head south, because they realize winter sucks the life out of you. Or maybe not so literaly, but let me just say "I HATE WINTER"...now I am ok if I could just sit at home, drink hot coffee with a good book and a blanket and watch the snow fall it is pretty. It is not so pretty when I have to leave the comfort of my warm home and attempt to venture out into it and go to work. Then it sux... (Of course I took a horrific fall back in 2008 and broke 3 ribs, cracked my pelvic bone, bruised my right butt cheek, and gave myself a concusion that I didn't wake up from until the next day)... so I am let just say not a fan of winter.

But absolutely love fall. I love the leaves turning colors and then falling from the trees. I love to watch the squirrels gather all of their nuts, seeds, etc. (My husband and I feed them and the birds)... so we love to watch them. My dog, Maggie Mae, just loves to run after the squirrels and they will run up the trees and chatter at her.

But fall is an amazing way of God, giving Earth a way of cleansing. Each season cleanses the earth and allows nature to be reborn after a blanket of snow covers and protects the precious ground. But most of us don't look at it all this way.

But I just never seem to allow God cleanse me. Have you given yourself time to be cleansed? I am not talking about a shower, or cleansing your palate. But have you really sat down and looked at your own life and decided it was time to clean up some stuff. (people, things, social media, books, music, etc). I have done so in the past and yet I let it all pile back up. So we should all take advantage of the seasons in our lives. Let the leaves fall outside from the trees but also allow fall to take place in our own lives. I sit (except its been cold) in the morning with my coffee while Maggie Mae runs around and smells and enjoys the outdoors and I watch the sunset. So this is just one little thing that I enjoy doing along with a great cup of coffee. But I have never let winter wash me clean or spring bring forth a new life in myself or summer to make me hot and sweaty so I can shower in the rain (or shower) to cleanse my body for the next day.

As I have always told my kids, people come into our lives for a reason & a season. So we all must learn from these people and take to heart what experiences you gain and move on in your life knowing the full experience has helped shape who you are.

So I think I have hardened like the leaves on the tree and I am drying up and falling. I am falling down into a pile that I just don't like. I keep looking at the glass as "half empty" but as a wise lady stated the glass can always be "re-filled". So I need to keep pushing forward on looking at the glass and hoping that is gets re-filled sooner than later.

So as the leaves fall and the season's change. Take heart and know you to can change and change with the seasons. (at least until I move South for ever in the warmth)... So we all must strive to not let our chronic illnesses define who we are. There are others out there that are worse than we are and yes our struggles are great and can make it hard for us to make it thru each day, but hey if you can go to bed at night and get up each morning, then it is a clean slate to re-write your next day. I have to just keep looking at life that way.

So are you gonna just let the leaves fall down and sweep them away? Or are you going to make a pile and be like a kid and jump into them? I think I will go leaf surfing... with my Maggie Mae of course

Keep Smiling
Carla
 

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Life: Losses...

Life: Losses...: "Some losses never heal you just learn to carry the burden and shed a tear every now and then!!! I am most certainly feeling this h...

Losses...

"Some losses never heal you just learn to carry the burden and shed a tear every now and then!!!



I am most certainly feeling this heavy burden of loss today.

I just feel like my life is spiraling down a path that I had never ever felt I would go this way. Life certainly throws many punches our way. And sometimes we just can't seem to move fast enough to miss these punches.

I know God has blessed me many times over and over again. I have the 3 best kiddos on earth and the 5 best step kids, a wonderful husband and grandson. My life would not be complete without them in my life. But I hate where my life is at right now. My chronic health issues has me on a downward spiral and because of this people just don't even understand the pain. I always look at life usually as the glass is half full, but sometimes when we get pushed down multiple times that glass starts to look as half empty. I am there right now, my glass is half empty.

So why? Am I being punished for all of the bad things I have done and continue to do in life? Does God always have to give us so many trials and tribulations to prove our love for him?

So how do we dig ourselves out of the bottom of all of these losses and pick ourselves up and move on? That is a good question that I just don't have the answer to. I was always a strong person and I could always handle everything that was pretty much thrown at me, but now I am NOT that strong tower person. I am strong on the outside but on the inside I am crying over all of these losses.

So I guess the only way to get happy again is look at life differently. I guess it could be worse. But somehow I just don't know how it could be worse. I already have multiple Chronic Illnesses that God has chosen me to take on and live with. How do we live onward with these illnesses and yet thrive, learn, live and love?

I lost the house that I had bought for my 3 kiddos and I after we went thru a very dramatic divorce from their father. We lived in a tiny apartment for 6 months and my ex-husband and I sold the house that we had bought for our family when I was pregnant with our twins. And we totally redid the house and it was our home, however, he reached his midlife crisis and instead of buying a convertable he chose to have an affair and therefore after 2 years of agonizing pain I had to walk away with our 3 kids and start over. I was able to purchase a new home for the kids and I and it was my stable place for my kids. We had the most fun in this house. We laughed, we stayed up all night, we had friends over, we had way word friends spend nights, my home was an open home to whom ever needed a warm blanket, a warm loving hug from a Mother, a place to give everyone comfort. Then I was forced by my job to leave my home move clear across the state and start over without my kids. I lived alone for 6 years in an apartment until I met my new husband. During this time of being gone I lost my Daddy to cancer, I lost my Mom to bad health and she just simply mourned herself to death. I lost my good health and I have became extremely chronically ill with no return to good health in sight. But you know what I will never ever wear pajama pants and slippers to Wal-mart. I have dignity. I still (somehow) get up every day and go to work. I still thank God that I have my job. And I still thank God for my kids, my husband and my life now (even tho I hate it)...

So now what do I do? How do I put this loss behind me and move onward? The tears will always be there when I go home to visit my children and my parents grave. I cry driving to Quincy and I cry driving back to Champaign.

Yet each time I find myself leaning over the golden throne vomiting I cry, I shake, I hate it and yet somehow I breath deep and pull myself together because that's what everyone else wants me to do.

But what if it's not what I want to do? I am so very very exhausted to the point that no one understands unless you are right there with me. And until you walk in "my shoes" you have no right to judge me, or even understand my pain. All you can do is empathize.

So I guess since God wanted me to live on June 2nd when I survived my attempted suicide, I am supposed to pull myself together and live onward. Even tho it is not an easy task.

I have a little neighbor girl, who is so adorable, she is about 11, has very long black hair and walks with me every night as I take my dog Maggie out for her walk. This little girl just talks and talks and talks. I know she is looking for someone to help guide her. I feel her love and yet I feel her sadness at so many different levels. But yet, she has the most promising future if she is guided in the best possible way. She has been asking me about everything there is to do to take care of a bunny. Her parents told her on her birthday in April she could get a bunny. So we have talked about it a lot. I told her that having a pet is a big responsibility and that once you get a pet that they rely on you to keep them feed, watered, safe and loved. And I know that is what as a parent we do. So I know God brought this little girl into my life to help mentor her and show her God's love thru me.

I guess where there is loss, there is also love. Love for the past and pain from the past. But then as the old saying goes "it is better to love than to never have loved"...

Keep Smiling
Carla