I am most certainly feeling this heavy burden of loss today.
I just feel like my life is spiraling down a path that I had never ever felt I would go this way. Life certainly throws many punches our way. And sometimes we just can't seem to move fast enough to miss these punches.
I know God has blessed me many times over and over again. I have the 3 best kiddos on earth and the 5 best step kids, a wonderful husband and grandson. My life would not be complete without them in my life. But I hate where my life is at right now. My chronic health issues has me on a downward spiral and because of this people just don't even understand the pain. I always look at life usually as the glass is half full, but sometimes when we get pushed down multiple times that glass starts to look as half empty. I am there right now, my glass is half empty.
So why? Am I being punished for all of the bad things I have done and continue to do in life? Does God always have to give us so many trials and tribulations to prove our love for him?
So how do we dig ourselves out of the bottom of all of these losses and pick ourselves up and move on? That is a good question that I just don't have the answer to. I was always a strong person and I could always handle everything that was pretty much thrown at me, but now I am NOT that strong tower person. I am strong on the outside but on the inside I am crying over all of these losses.
So I guess the only way to get happy again is look at life differently. I guess it could be worse. But somehow I just don't know how it could be worse. I already have multiple Chronic Illnesses that God has chosen me to take on and live with. How do we live onward with these illnesses and yet thrive, learn, live and love?
I lost the house that I had bought for my 3 kiddos and I after we went thru a very dramatic divorce from their father. We lived in a tiny apartment for 6 months and my ex-husband and I sold the house that we had bought for our family when I was pregnant with our twins. And we totally redid the house and it was our home, however, he reached his midlife crisis and instead of buying a convertable he chose to have an affair and therefore after 2 years of agonizing pain I had to walk away with our 3 kids and start over. I was able to purchase a new home for the kids and I and it was my stable place for my kids. We had the most fun in this house. We laughed, we stayed up all night, we had friends over, we had way word friends spend nights, my home was an open home to whom ever needed a warm blanket, a warm loving hug from a Mother, a place to give everyone comfort. Then I was forced by my job to leave my home move clear across the state and start over without my kids. I lived alone for 6 years in an apartment until I met my new husband. During this time of being gone I lost my Daddy to cancer, I lost my Mom to bad health and she just simply mourned herself to death. I lost my good health and I have became extremely chronically ill with no return to good health in sight. But you know what I will never ever wear pajama pants and slippers to Wal-mart. I have dignity. I still (somehow) get up every day and go to work. I still thank God that I have my job. And I still thank God for my kids, my husband and my life now (even tho I hate it)...
So now what do I do? How do I put this loss behind me and move onward? The tears will always be there when I go home to visit my children and my parents grave. I cry driving to Quincy and I cry driving back to Champaign.
Yet each time I find myself leaning over the golden throne vomiting I cry, I shake, I hate it and yet somehow I breath deep and pull myself together because that's what everyone else wants me to do.
But what if it's not what I want to do? I am so very very exhausted to the point that no one understands unless you are right there with me. And until you walk in "my shoes" you have no right to judge me, or even understand my pain. All you can do is empathize.
So I guess since God wanted me to live on June 2nd when I survived my attempted suicide, I am supposed to pull myself together and live onward. Even tho it is not an easy task.
I have a little neighbor girl, who is so adorable, she is about 11, has very long black hair and walks with me every night as I take my dog Maggie out for her walk. This little girl just talks and talks and talks. I know she is looking for someone to help guide her. I feel her love and yet I feel her sadness at so many different levels. But yet, she has the most promising future if she is guided in the best possible way. She has been asking me about everything there is to do to take care of a bunny. Her parents told her on her birthday in April she could get a bunny. So we have talked about it a lot. I told her that having a pet is a big responsibility and that once you get a pet that they rely on you to keep them feed, watered, safe and loved. And I know that is what as a parent we do. So I know God brought this little girl into my life to help mentor her and show her God's love thru me.
I guess where there is loss, there is also love. Love for the past and pain from the past. But then as the old saying goes "it is better to love than to never have loved"...
Keep Smiling
Carla
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