(sorry if this quote offends anyone - but it soooo hits home with me at this time)
I know all of us chronically ill peeps have a lot of self-doubt. Heck any normal healthy individual has self-doubt. We are brought up in a society that shows us that we are all less than perfect. Less than perfect when it comes to our finances, health, looks, memories, etc etc.
But what if this was not the case? Why should we doubt ourselves when we are all unique in our own finances, looks, health, work etc. What if we were all exactly alike? Kind of like robots roaming around the world. Now that would get boring. (or at least I kind of think so)... Although I would give anything for a robot to do my cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. so I can enjoy life a little bit more.
I have recently had my feeding tube removed due to multiple infections. I have had it out now for like 2 months. I have had a lot of ups and downs since I have had it removed. Then after my overdose on June 2nd, and reality kicked in and I have now been diagnosed with Bipolar and I am menopausal, this has brought on a lot of anxiety and self-doubt in my mind. I am trying to eat by mouth, with some success, and I am trying to work thru being sick and so I am screaming self-doubt at the top of my lungs. Some days my Bipolar and menopause just simply drags me down. But then there are other days I am high. I know I have been this way for years, just never really diagnosed with it. Now I know where my son gets it all from (except my Mom was bipolar)... and well he doesn't have menopause but he is Bipolar. So this roller coaster ride really does suck
I decided after a lot of soul searching and truly and sincerely apologizing to my children and husband,
that I must start more self care. So I have been attending Planet Fitness (almost daily) after work, and I know I am not the youngest, healthiest, skinniest, prettiest at PF, but that is just it. I really don't care. As long as I know that my husband, children, family, friends and whomever wishes to, Love me, then that's all that matters.
I truly think that self-doubt kicks in and fucks us all up when we stop and let society dictate how, when, where and why we live. Why should we let others dictate how we live our own lives? Ya I know for some of us, we must work to earn money, and we must comply with employers, and others. But I am talking about the self-doubt talk we all do to ourselves daily about not feeling like we are good enough. Well I say fuck it!!!!!
We are all GOOD enough. So I may not be skinny (like I was a year ago) and let me tell you after years of being heavy set, and then doing my bypass surgery and getting way down to the weight that I liked but with soooo many health issues I had to have it reversed a year ago and now due to the Gastroparesis and menopause I can not loose weight. I have put back on approx. 70lbs and let me tell you "I HATE IT"... I think because I had always been fat and picked on growing up and so forth being skinny made me feel better about myself. Now don't get me wrong, being heavy set is NOT the end of the world, but for me it kind of has been my end of the my world. Until I sat back and like I said did some soul searching and decided that I am who I am.
My moto had always been "If people don't like me that's ok, because they are truly missing out on a great person, and I still sleep at night"!!!
I don't care what other people think about me. All I care about is my husband, kids, family, and personal friends think about me. They don't necessarily put you down as much as help you. It's all in how you perceive it. And if your family, friends etc do put you down then maybe you need to evaluate if they should remain in your life.
So I have been trying really hard to be healthy (trust me exercising does help the GI digestive track work somewhat better)... and it has helped me feel better about myself when I go exercise and tan. I have always been a exercise nut, just not the skinny, athletic, muscle type lady. But never the less I do feel better after I exercise daily.
So why do you let your own self-doubt stop you from liking/loving yourself?
Stop and really do some soul searching and decide if you are going to simply say "fuck it" or if you are going to continue on with the self-doubt. You my friend are worth everything to this world and don't ever let anyone tell you other wise. Because we all have a life to live. Such as our pets, kids, friends, family, significant others. Yep even giving rats a bath. Or simply giving yourself a rats ass.
Keep Smiling
Carla
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