Have you ever taken a look at death in the eyes? I have...
It is ever so humbling to know that I have defied the odds 3 times and God did not take me to heaven. I guess he has always felt that I am needed here on earth for a little longer. But why of why? He has plagued me with several chronic illnesses? So I guess this question will never be answered until I reach the gates of heaven; which will be long away instead of sooner.
As I sat on my spin cycle at Planet Fitness last night, I was becoming ever increasingly nauseous and had to go vomit and then I continued to work hard simply because I need to work harder to remain healthy as possible for myself, my husband, my kids, my family, my work, and etc etc. But I sat there wondering "Can I just run away?". I supposed I could but unfortunately it all would follow me, the sickness, the bills, etc and my husband and kids would most likely miss me. Although they know where they could find me.
I am striving to learn to live as if I could live forever, but boy if I could live forever I would most certainly want to be healthy. I don't know about any of you but living forever and being chronically ill would NOT be my idea of fun. But you know, I would still give my all to God, my family, my work etc. Because if we can not give our all to this cold cruel world then why should we live forever.
As I placed my Dad and Mom into their grave I grieved. But why do we grieve? They are the better, because they can sit at the right hand of God, as we are still here to carry on in the world. This world that God has given us. So why is it that some people go sooner than others? Simply because God must either be done with their journey on earth or he needs them as Angels. I like to think that God has saved me and left me on this earth simply because he needs Angels here on earth.
But why is it, that I can help others but I can not help myself? I think it is because I have learned so much in my short 48 years. My life has NOT been easy at all, and I have experienced way too many things (i.e. horrible pregnancies, beautiful preemie babies, cheating husband, divorce, being a mistress, living alone, having to leave my kids for work, moving across the state, becoming a mother to soo many unwanted unfortunate kids, being a Angel to those who have needed me, and just simply finding a new family)... and so much more. Nope I am not perfect by no means.
So I wish to live like I am going to die tomorrow (and I am well aware of the fact that my life has been shortened greatly due to my chronic illnesses - I guess we are all terminally ill, we just don't know when God will call us to heaven)... and yet I want to learn as if I could live forever.
Learning is a great gift. Our minds are a great computer that thrives for knowledge, so never ever shut it off. I have had to work hard to bring back my memories since I overdosed back on June 2nd. Trust me nothing is as scary as not being able to remember faces, remember where you live, remember how to drive to work, remember where you placed things, and simply looking in the mirror and wondering how can I continue on. But then I looked into my husbands eyes and my kids faces and then I remembered why I am here on earth. That is to live like I am going to die tomorrow, but learning to live forever.
Even if you don't believe in God, there is a higher power than what we are here on earth, and this higher power has entrusted each one of us with a great mind and if we chose not to use it that is our fault. We all need to realize that we have our own minds, hearts, & soul and so we must learn to achieve what we feel is happiness, love, friendship, companionship and unconditional love for others.
Then maybe the world would just simply be living like we would die tomorrow and yet learn to live forever.
Keep Smiling
Carla
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