"It’s not like you don’t have a choice, because you do—you can either type or kill yourself."
Every since I posted lately that I had tried to commit Suicide (or my intentions was to truly stop all of my pain) I have gotten alot of comments from people all of over the country whom have commented
that they completey understand because they are all living the same battle (of some sorts) in life with a major chronic illness.
So I know we always question "why me" every single day? And we question this either to God and or to someone of a higher power. Sometimes it just doesn't feel like God is answering us in a way that we want to. Because we are all human beings with wants, likes and dislikes, and just NOT patient enough. Self gratification it seems is a large part of the world today. The "I want it Now" or it's life is "All about Me".... I don't know about you, but my generation was more like "What can we do to help others".
We didn't have school shootings, or drive by shootings, we didn't have people abusing animals at the level they do today (which just simply makes me sick), misbehaving in schools; jobs; etc. And just plain disrespectful to everyone. I know that I worked hard to teach my 3 kids that this generation is an all about me generation and I am not saying that it is most certainly wrong. We all at some times in our own lives have to be a little selfish and take of ourselves so we have the ability to help others. And I now I have taught my kids well, because none of them are selfish and that all 3 of them have a wonderful heart.
So I have told them time and time again that our lives are all about "Choices". Choices we make about our lives that affect us positively, physically, mentally and Godly. No one on this earth has to answer to anyone when it comes to our free choices, however we do have to respect others because of jobs, family, people, assitants, all the way down the list (to many to list out)... So the respect thing is a large part of the choices we make. I always told me kids when they were in highschool that they should be polite and nice to everyone because that is the best way, but also to as long as they made eye contact with everyone and at least knodded or said Hi everyday then just maybe this kids that is going thru a very hard time in his life just may spare their life if this kid decides to come to school someday and start shooting and because my kids was at least kind and smiled and knodded to the shooter every day it just may spare their lives.
I have a child that is Biploar/Schizophrenic and this child of mine has been since 11 years old. I have now been diagnosed with Bipolar (especially since my grandman and mother had it)... So I have alway protected my 3 kids so very much, I never wanted them to get hurt.
But one day I realized I can't be their protector for ever (even tho as a parent we fight to keep trying to), but that all we can do is instill competency, good morales and give them the chance to hopefully make the right choices when they need to.
So I am here today because God sent my husband home on June 2nd right after I had attempted suicide and I was saved. So I assume it was God's choice to not let me die just then because he has plans for me. Can I always tell what those plans are? Nope, but I can tell you this much when you open your eyes up the most simply amazing husband, kids etc, it humbles a person to realize that the choice we made was NOT a good choice and the choice that my husband made to come home that day was a great decision.
Am I out of the woods from this over does to stop all the pain? NOPE
I now have to fight every day to keep my head in the right direction, I have been talking with my husband more, I have been working and striving to realize God has carried me for the last 6 years through all of my trials and tribulations, and YES God has shown many of his wonderful daily graces.
So we all must make a "Choice" to look for these graces (tiny miracles) in life and to enjoy them.
So I have always been able to preach to people about how the Choices we make not only affect ourselves but how it affects others?
So sit down and look at your life and determine "What do I have to live for" What can I do to make my life better? What kind of choices can I make to help me cope? (and eventually after a long time of praying, counseling, and coping you will get your answers)
My choice now and today forward is to "LIVE" and show God's grace though me to everyone else.
Keep Smiling
Carla
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